Smothering/Leave Me Alone/Im Sad

[LoveAndConfusion]

Hello again,

My BPD girlfriend, a few months ago during a time of regular medication usage, told me that when she is experiencing the emotional lows that all she wants is to be held and shown affection. Fast forward to a week ago today and she is off her medication (her choice - b/c she wanted to enjoy the high of being with me that she receives when she isn't taking her meds, while neglecting the possible (eventual) drop in emotion and the hellish low that results) and she is experiencing the lowest low I have yet to witness. So I do what she had told me to do, hold her, assure her I'm not going anywhere, show extra affection. Her mood slowly starts to improve over the course of the weekend.

Tuesday this week comes along and she informs me that I am too sensitive, that I know how much of a highly sensitive person she is and that by my actions of late she has felt like the man of the relationship. To which I am oddly shocked with, as I acted how she told me to when experiencing a low. I had taken time away during the weekend for myself as well. I make the choice to tell her that I acted as she asked me to when she is experiencing a low and assure her that I am her man and all of my qualities that she had fallen for are still there.

Yesterday, I am myself, confident, silly, charming, empathetic... .and she mentioned how I was acting at that moment is the person she knows and the person she fell for. All good, right? Well, I had been speaking with her friend about coming Christmas/New Year's plans and the positives of my girlfriend and I's latest vacation. My girlfriend then goes on to ask if I remember what she told me about smothering her and went on to say that I am now smothering her friend. I say I was only trying to figure out a plan for the Christmas/New Years holiday for all of us to get together. She replied by saying I am pushing her away by smothering her and that she can't make plans and that she wants me to leave her alone. So I walk away. A few hours later, I receive a message from her while she is at work, with a sad face :'( so I ask what the sad face is for and she says because she is sad. I don't want to get into it while she is at work so I told her, I understand you are upset and I realize the error of my action over the weekend. Let's not talk about this while you're at work though, why don't you call me after.

She has yet to reply or call, and though I realize it hasn't been that long since the last contact I am afraid of losing this girl. I am an independent man, I am a confident man, I am an empathetic man. But, I truly do not want to lose this girl and the partnership we have. This girl has honestly been everything I had always seen in a woman to become my life partner. I understand that the disorder comes with extreme mood instability and a lot of the condition is fueled by self-hatred causing low self-worth and empty feelings leading to self-harm(which she has done in the past) to both feel and stop-feeling. With each low she has had prior to this, I had been myself while being more sensitive and affectionate towards her at the same time, same thing I had done this previous weekend.

I have read that people experience times, days-weeks-months, of no contact with their borderline significant other. As independent as I have been my entire life, this terrifies me.

It is really starting to take an emotional toll on me and three of my best friends have noticed this as they have all said it's weird to see me so glum.  I had dated a non a few years ago that told me to leave her alone after a fight (a fight over me being too independent) and I left the relationship a few weeks later. The current (I hope still current) girlfriend is my first BPD and I hope the person I spend my life with. I've been reading more and more regarding BPD and I can say with confidence that I want to be with this girl despite her disorder. I know I am unable to "save her" and that is not my game. As much as I do not want to lose this woman and partnership, I am unsure of what to do for us. I know for myself, I have to focus on me, just as I have my whole life.

Does anyone have any insight or words for me? Please - a man in need of advice.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.