I'm not sure where to go from here

[Noa80]

Hello All,

I've never been on this type of site, but I need more help than I have been getting. I grew up with an older sister (5 years older) who has BPD. She was diagnosed in her late teens/ early twenties with a personality disorder, but I don't think they ever specified which one at the time - this type of thing was kept from me as my parents tried to protect me from it. I studied psychology in university and had an internship in a psych hospital working with BPDs. It is very clear to me that she has BPD. She fits every single one of the diagnostic criteria and every therapist I've had has confirmed (as far as they can) that her behaviour sounds like classic BPD.

It has been hell, and I was alone with it for most of my life. While my parents tried to protect me, it was by keeping me 'out of the loop', and engaged in extra-curricular activities.  When my sister would have one of her freak outs, I was sent to my room so as to not see it, but of course they weren't always there and she (admittedly) took pleasure in tormenting me and seeing my distress. She was older, so that was easy for her to do. My parents are very loving, intelligent people, but I think they were so consumed by trying to figure my sister out, that my emotional needs were neglected.

As a child I would often sit in my room, alone with my cat (thank God for her!), crying and rocking by myself, trying to understand the hell that was going on outside my bedroom door, that would sometimes make its way into my room at night. I wished I was dead. I often slept with a kitchen knife under my pillow so that if I woke in the night and the pain was too much, I could take myself out of it all. I told myself that I was on a mission from God, that if I survived I’d be granted special powers. As a teenager, my despair partly turned into rage. I started to regularly take drugs, almost daily, to block out my experience. I started starving myself to feel some sense of control, and would drink alcohol so that it was easier to vomit up any morsel of food that I did ingest. I was cutting myself regularly. I had panic attacks daily. I started breaking into cars and shoplifting. I barely attended school, when I was previously an A student. I was lost, scared, hurt, alone. And my parents had no idea. Because I felt I had to be perfect to make up for my sister's chaos. When I was upset, I'd be scolded.  I learned to suppress my needs and be compliant and "good".

I took myself to my school counsellor at the age of 14 when I felt it was all too much. I have been seeing a therapist on and off since then. I am now 35. I have come to certain terms with my childhood abuse but still feel like there is so much I unconsciously learned that I have to unlearn without being aware of it, like that I'm helpless in life. I (if I may say so myself) am actually quite intelligent, went to one of the top universities in the world and feel that this lingering depression is something that I just can't seem to shift. I'm not where I know my potential could have taken me in life. I take responsibility for it, but know that my choices in life are that of someone who has been abused by the head games of a BPD from early childhood. My relationship with my parents is generally ok, but recently I sent them a letter asking that they actually educate themselves about BPD so that we can get help as a family. They have not replied. My sister has never been told that she has a personality disorder. She has never really had any significant therapy. She was in hospital in a coma (from one of her suicide attempts) at which point we thought she'd get help, but the psychiatrist said that as she had called 911 herself, she was not actually a risk so would be discharged. That was 20 years ago, and she has not seen anyone since until very recently.

I am frustrated because I feel that my parents are in denial and not actually informing themselves or getting real help, thereby not really helping her. Our family has become so dysfunctional. We all do walk on eggshells because she is so antagonistic most of the time. When she lashes out, there are no consequences. As much as she's been the bane of my life, I don't feel it is fair that she not be given a chance to get real help. Recently she has finally started to see a counsellor, but she has told this person that she grew up in an abusive household with an alcoholic father, which couldn't be farther from the truth. It's not helpful that she be seeking help for a delusional belief.

I suppose I am struggling with two things: (1) I am tired of feeling invisible with my parents because my sister's needs always come first, and (2) I want my parents to inform themselves so that my sister can get some appropriate help.

My therapist has suggested that perhaps I should leave them to make their own decision of how to deal with her on their own and I focus on trying to fix my relationship with them. But I feel that their decision of how to deal with her affects my relationship with her (and our relationship as a family), as I can't address her behaviour with any context.

So, I'm not sure where to go from here... .

[GreenGlit]

Hi Noa,

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties you had as a kid, and the emotional consequences it had on your life. It's a hard pill to swallow and easily builds a lot of resentment towards you parents, who are supposed to protect and nurture you.

I also have a uBPD sister who is 5 years older than me. My life at home was also difficult. My sister would frequently have tantrums over nothing, over tests, over practicing piano, and basically whenever things didn't turn out exactly how she wanted them. I was the appeaser, and so I was quiet, obedient, and for most of my life set aside my emotional needs because I believed that my sister's needs superseded mine.

My life growing up was very frustrating, also dealing with a uBPD mother. While I didn't cut myself, sometimes I would get so incredibly frustrated that I would hit my head against a wall. The pain helped, and sometimes I wished I would pass out and then my family could see that I needed help and love too, not just my sister. I also think I'm intelligent, went to a respectable college, and am graduating medical school in may. I struggled so much during college and medical school largely because of my tumultuous relationships with my mother and sister, who always had critiques and opinions. It was really destructive, and looking back, I'm pretty impressed with myself that I turned out ok - mostly despite them.

Your parents probably are in denial. Or, they don't know how to appropriately help her. It sounds like she should have been in therapy from childhood. I feel that way about my sister, and I resent my parents for not helping the family stay united, because now I have gone non-contact with my sister after a certain series of events that led me to conclude she added nothing positive to my adult life. My parents never saw it the way I see it, and they believe I just abandoned the family. Clearly they don't understand how much I have suffered and how much pain and scars I carry with me.

I'm going to be honest here. I do agree with your therapist. You are not your sister's mother or father, and the years that parental interventions may have been critically helpful have passed. At this point she's an adult. There is not a realistic world in which your parents would come out of denial, intervene on your sister, she would get appropriate therapy, and you could be a happy functional family again. Moreover, the hope you have that your parents will step up and protect you is, a this point, also unrealistic, just based on their past behavior. I am sorry to be brutally honest, but this was a reality that took me a long time to accept. I am telling you because I feel like I wasted a LOT of time and tears trying to get my family to understand me and my needs, and understand my sister was ill. Really what I wanted was validation that I am worthwhile enough, because being put second for my whole life took a big toll on my self-esteem. I sought to retrieve it outwardly from the people that took it away from me - my own family.

There's no other way to say it - the situation totally sucks. But you can take control by understanding that you have control over your life, your emotions, and your choices. You can choose to be happy. If your sister can't be a constructive part of your life, then you have to carefully consider when you want to include her. Your sister may not have consequences with your parents, but you can teach her through your actions that she does not get a free pass with you. You don't need to sit and listen to her rage - you can hang up the phone, leave the room, or end the conversation. You can teach her that you will not interact with her when she is behaving inappropriately. And if those things don't work, then I think you need to look out for yourself and cut your losses. As for your parents - obviously their denial has had negative affects on you. I don't have great advice here. Frankly I talk to and see my parents hardly ever because of the tumultuous family dynamics my mother and sister have created. I long for a loving relationship with my sister, which I accept that I will never have. But I have chosen to build a life for myself and protect my interests, and at the end of the day I'm a stable and happy person, even though I will always have a hole in my heart for her.

I hope you can find peace and find a good balance with your family. If you have any comments I'm glad to read them

Greenglit

[Noa80]

Dear GreenGlit,

Thank you for your reply. It was very helpful to have another perspective, an 'experienced' perspective. My current partner had BPD ex for a short (8 months), traumatising period of time so she kind of understands it, but I have never actually heard from anyone else who has grown up with BPD in their family. I'm not sure why. Perhaps I've been trying to wrap myself in my parents' fog as well. Despite all my years of therapy, I think I am finally starting to take some real steps to un-do the unhealthy habits I've been stuck in, rather than going around in circles. I have a lot of acceptance and a lot of letting go to do.

Thank you again, really.

Noa

[Turkish]

Hi Noa80,

It's sad that you were neglected so while your parents focused so much on your sister (wrongly). It sounds like a lot of your behaviors might have been mirroring your sisters so your parents would pay attention to you as well.

You got past this, and became successful, differentiating yourself from the three of them. Desiring a real connection, however, is understandable. The three of them sound like they are trapped in dysfunctional amber.

I can see why your T said that, but it might be invalidating also, not acknowledging your desire to be loved by your parents in a way which is fulfilling to you. Many of us here have wishes that our parents would be whom we want, instead of what we got.

It's hard enough to deal with a single person with BPD, but harder when that person may be surrounded by enablers, especially those in denial.

It sounds like you talk to your sister, based upon the "alcoholic father" story right, or did you hear about that from your parents?