How to handle distortion campaigns

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My currently estranged uBPD wife, during our 3000 mile road trip vacation to Utah from Vermont, had an intervention with most of her family members, about 10 of them. The intervention was how she was not happy because I was abusive to her and they all wanted me to let her stay there. I said NO, and I told them all about what was really going on. Wife ran out of intervention and hid kids away. They didn't believe me.

My wife is claiming I sexually abused her. I asked what she meant. She said I pressured her for sex when she didnt' want to and that's abuse. Then I asked for more details and she claimed she couldn't because she had suppressed it because it was soo traumatic. There has NEVER been sexual abuse. Then she accuses me of emotional abuse, which is not true either, and her description is just slander.

She's the abuser.

All of her family thinks i did these things to her, and they are saving her. I only told them my side of the story during the intervention(LOOSELY called such, i say it more sarcastic than anything) and none of them believed me. I documented her behavior and how it lined up with BPD to them. They just glazed over told me to never mention BPD again. i replied, it's my experience

I then ran into a mutual friend in the grocery store, now that I'm back in Vermont, and this person obviously just avoided talking to me, made eye contact, quickly turned around and almost ran. when in the past it's been great, we used to be coworkers and talked all the time. I assume her friends are now spreading around the lies.

i did NOTHING to my ex that amounts to abuse. I was not perfect and I had my issues, but none of these abuse accusations are true.

The only things that I can prove are the 3 times the police came to our house because my wife was acting up. I never pressed charges, i almost did the 3rd time when she kicked me in a rage in front of the kids. She ran out of the house, i called the police(i had a boundary that if she attacked me again, cops were called with no excuse). The officer had her come in , and I declined to press charges. I actually felt bad, and did not want the mother of our kids locked up. The cop told me he would arrest her on the spot if I came in.  The 2nd time, she attacked me and I knocked her over and restrained her, she had a hammer in her hand, to destroy the computer I was on because I would not give her the time of day while she was raging. She tells her friends that she agreed to leave the house because she was the only one with friends(true, because I had to give up mine to deal with her). She knows how to lie to get attention.

my problem is that i cannot stand all these lies and ppl thinking i do this stuff. I have always thought the truth would prevail, and it did with past situations and her friends just exiting the scene. I want to tell all these ppl the truth, like an email, and cc my ex, giving her the courtesy i never got of speaking about the truth in the light.

i did NOT do any of this abuse. My wife did, and now she ran away with the kids and i'm STUCK, i'm the bad guy and only get to skype with my kids 3 times a week, and it's not the same, in fact they dont even want to do it sometimes, they just want me to come there. I went out there one time, and it was great, she let me see them for Halloween.  During that time, she came up to me and asks visibility shaken if i was gonna steal the kids away, I told her "oh like you did, how does that feel". She seemed to grasp that for a few seconds then fogged it away. her 2 sisters and mom heard that too, and they just walked away pretending to not have heard. I know her mom is BPD, and i'm kind of certain her sisters might be.

I am packing up our entire house, by myself , doing a few hours a night. It's been 4 months of me alone here. I have no friends , it's a rural area. i do meetup.com for

social and i work. but i'm quickly becoming depressed.

I have no desire to fight her for custody. She's ok with the kids, and it would only make it worse to drag them back here. So I suck it up and take the brunt. My goal is to move out there and be near them, but it's a very slow road, as where she lives has no job sector for me. If she agrees to get DBT help , i'll be with her again. But she says i only try to control her by talking about BPD and it just triggers her worse.

what can i do to counter all the distortion campaigns? I want to just tell all these ppl the truth and let the cards fall where they may. this is my major concern.

argggggggg.

[ttomsen]

My currently estranged uBPD wife, during our 3000 mile road trip vacation to Utah from Vermont, had an intervention with most of her family members, about 10 of them. The intervention was how she was not happy because I was abusive to her and they all wanted me to let her stay there. I said NO, and I told them all about what was really going on. Wife ran out of intervention and hid kids away. They didn't believe me.

My wife is claiming I sexually abused her. I asked what she meant. She said I pressured her for sex when she didnt' want to and that's abuse. Then I asked for more details and she claimed she couldn't because she had suppressed it because it was soo traumatic. There has NEVER been sexual abuse. Then she accuses me of emotional abuse, which is not true either, and her description is just slander.

She's the abuser.

All of her family thinks i did these things to her, and they are saving her. I only told them my side of the story during the intervention(LOOSELY called such, i say it more sarcastic than anything) and none of them believed me. I documented her behavior and how it lined up with BPD to them. They just glazed over told me to never mention BPD again. i replied, it's my experience

I then ran into a mutual friend in the grocery store, now that I'm back in Vermont, and this person obviously just avoided talking to me, made eye contact, quickly turned around and almost ran. when in the past it's been great, we used to be coworkers and talked all the time. I assume her friends are now spreading around the lies.

i did NOTHING to my ex that amounts to abuse. I was not perfect and I had my issues, but none of these abuse accusations are true.

The only things that I can prove are the 3 times the police came to our house because my wife was acting up. I never pressed charges, i almost did the 3rd time when she kicked me in a rage in front of the kids. She ran out of the house, i called the police(i had a boundary that if she attacked me again, cops were called with no excuse). The officer had her come in , and I declined to press charges. I actually felt bad, and did not want the mother of our kids locked up. The cop told me he would arrest her on the spot if I came in.  The 2nd time, she attacked me and I knocked her over and restrained her, she had a hammer in her hand, to destroy the computer I was on because I would not give her the time of day while she was raging. She tells her friends that she agreed to leave the house because she was the only one with friends(true, because I had to give up mine to deal with her). She knows how to lie to get attention.

my problem is that i cannot stand all these lies and ppl thinking i do this stuff. I have always thought the truth would prevail, and it did with past situations and her friends just exiting the scene. I want to tell all these ppl the truth, like an email, and cc my ex, giving her the courtesy i never got of speaking about the truth in the light.

i did NOT do any of this abuse. My wife did, and now she ran away with the kids and i'm STUCK, i'm the bad guy and only get to skype with my kids 3 times a week, and it's not the same, in fact they dont even want to do it sometimes, they just want me to come there. I went out there one time, and it was great, she let me see them for Halloween.  During that time, she came up to me and asks visibility shaken if i was gonna steal the kids away, I told her "oh like you did, how does that feel". She seemed to grasp that for a few seconds then fogged it away. her 2 sisters and mom heard that too, and they just walked away pretending to not have heard. I know her mom is BPD, and i'm kind of certain her sisters might be.

I am packing up our entire house, by myself , doing a few hours a night. It's been 4 months of me alone here. I have no friends , it's a rural area. i do meetup.com for

social and i work. but i'm quickly becoming depressed.

I have no desire to fight her for custody. She's ok with the kids, and it would only make it worse to drag them back here. So I suck it up and take the brunt. My goal is to move out there and be near them, but it's a very slow road, as where she lives has no job sector for me. If she agrees to get DBT help , i'll be with her again. But she says i only try to control her by talking about BPD and it just triggers her worse.

what can i do to counter all the distortion campaigns? I want to just tell all these ppl the truth and let the cards fall where they may. this is my major concern.

argggggggg.

[swimjim]

Hi TTom. I am sorry you are going through all this. I have been there. My suggestion is to only state your side of the story once in a calm manner to common friends who may ask and who are on the fence as to which side to believe. After that, quietly let it go. If they chose to believe her, let them. All in all, you will be best served to not fight fire with fire. You will appear to be  more stable if you stand up straight with your integrity and walk away from people who will believe her. it just is not worth convincing them otherwise. There is no justice in smear campaigns. I know you need to stay close to the picture for the kids sake. However, she sounds dangerous. I would suggest NEVER to be left alone with her at this point. Smear campaigns can turn into false allegations. Then you will need an attorney. Be careful and good luck.   

[david]

In my state whenever the police are called they are required to write a report. If that is the case you need to get those reports. It's best to tell them when the incident occurs that you want a report.

I had a friend that started to distance himself from me. A few months went by and he called me up to get together like we did in the past. He apologized because he couldn't believe the things I was telling him about my then wife and figured I must be the one with the problem. It just happened that his dentist was talking to him about his divorce and that his ex had BPD. He said the stories were so similar he realized I was indeed telling the truth. I realized then that no one can understand these things except those that have experienced it first hand.

My ex accused me many times of physical, verbal, emotional, and spiritual abuse. We went to a court ordered co parent counselor and he asked me what spiritual abuse was. I replied that I really didn't know and that I figured he could tell me since he was the expert. He said he didn't know either.

Over the course of a few years I have bumped into quite a few people that know me and my ex. They still have contact with her in some degree. Some work with her. Others see her in the course of their lives. Every one has come up to me and basically said that getting away from her was the best thing I could have done.

I was put in jail for two weeks because of a false allegation. When I got out I purchased a video recorder and an audio recorder. My ex knows I have them with me at all times. That was 5 year ago and I haven't been accused of any wrongdoing since that time. Prior to that I was accused of physically hurting our son, another time of assaulting her (which I went to jail for). I've had three protection orders filed against me. That was from 2007 until 2010 when I purchased the recording devices. From 2010 til present day I haven't had a single allegation against me. Protect yourself.

[formflier]

 If kids have been away for 4 months then you only have a couple more months to use the state you live in now to work on custody issues.  Please have a consultation with a lawyer so you understand what the differences in state laws are. Obviously your choice to not fight her on this, but, you are setting a precedent here that a disordered person controls your access to the kids. Please think that through.                                  

FF