Winning the battles in the war

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Thanks to those who have given me great advice. I'm starting to win the battles.

It's been impossible to settle with someone who is competely unreasonable so I've ended up in court. On custody and on maintenance.

For those in similar battles of contemplating a high conflict divorce, I cannot begin to tell you the importance of documenting everything. Every abusive conversation, every nasty message, every self destructive  behaviour. They can switch from Mr Hyde to Dr Jekkyl in front if the judge , but the evidence is there in black and white.

Also remember to stand your ground. My soon to be ex BPD/NPD wife is beginning to realise that there is a rock which is immovable, doesn't bend to her demands and isn't interested at all in her contortions/ manipulations/ dramas.

[Moselle]

Thanks to those who have given me great advice. I'm starting to win the battles.

It's been impossible to settle with someone who is competely unreasonable so I've ended up in court. On custody and on maintenance.

For those in similar battles of contemplating a high conflict divorce, I cannot begin to tell you the importance of documenting everything. Every abusive conversation, every nasty message, every self destructive  behaviour. They can switch from Mr Hyde to Dr Jekkyl in front if the judge , but the evidence is there in black and white.

Also remember to stand your ground. My soon to be ex BPD/NPD wife is beginning to realise that there is a rock which is immovable, doesn't bend to her demands and isn't interested at all in her contortions/ manipulations/ dramas.

[livednlearned]

My court experience was awful, long-drawn out, exhausting, expensive. It did teach me how to be assertive, in between passive (my old approach) and aggressive (my ex's approach). If there is a silver lining to all of this suffering, maybe this is it.

I'm glad you're making headway and have found it helpful to document everything.

How are your kids doing?

[maxen]

Also remember to stand your ground.

this was the lesson i learned in negotiation. i watched my L as, in the face of their flailing and aggression, she did ... .nothing. she didn't move. she patiently asserted our position, and we won the battles. it's a lesson i'm trying to inculcate in my own dealings with others. it takes the proper emotional disposition though; at the time i might have caved if i'd been dealing in mediation. good work, Moselle, stay strong.

[Moselle]

Thanks maxen and L&L for your comments. It's beyond bizarre to witness this person I once called my wife.

Like all bullies, they wilt at the end of the day.

My heart goes out to my children. I am away from her so I can see her effect on the girls.  My eldest shows traits of borderline. The youngest two are traumatised but seem to be able to function ok.

This disease is a horrible thing. I look at a family in total collapse and after two years of extracting myself, I hope I can make a difference  for my girls

[livednlearned]

I look at a family in total collapse and after two years of extracting myself, I hope I can make a difference  for my girls

I've been really focused on this too for my own son. He has some additional burdens to carry (anxiety/depression, OCD, etc.) I did read some compelling research about EMDR and kids following what they call a Type 2 Trauma (divorce, "interpersonal stressors" that can include high-conflict homes). It's heartening research because you realize that kids, with the support of adults and therapy, can process or re-process trauma, and go on to be emotionally resilient.

We're not there yet, although we're doing a lot better now that S14 is seeing a good T. I do look back and wonder why so few kids of divorce do family therapy. That would've been good for S14. He hung on to a lot of misconceptions and felt more alone than he needed to feel, and I was still learning, meanwhile seeing my own T.

What a mess it was back then 

[Harri]

Hi Moselle.  I am glad that things are starting to take a turn in your favor and to see you still in wise mind.  Well done my friend.  I think of you and your girls often so I am always glad to get an update and I am thrilled when it is good news.

Take good care.   

[Moselle]

Thanks Harri.

I left my wisemind behind somewhere. Every now and again it makes an appearance but for the most part I'm just in warriormind.

[sanemom]

I think no matter what, when you are in battle with the BPDs, you have to keep your mind on the big picture... .even if you lose some battles... .you have to kind of go up in the clouds and look at what this will do in 10, 20 years.  I think that is the only way I keep sane sometimes is just realizing that one day, the kids will realize that they were manipulated, and they will not be happy about that, and they will be able to take steps to prevent that in the future.

[david]

My Pearl Harbor started in 2007. The first three years were the toughest since ex had already been through a divorce and used the courts to her advantage. I was accused of physically hurting our youngest, had three protection orders files against me, accused of assaulting her, blah, blah, blah. Once I decided to go on the offensive, after documenting everything I could think of, things changed. I protected myself by having a video and an audio recorder that I let ex know I had. That stopped a lot of the accusations since ex believed, rightly so, that I had proof against her false allegations. 

I no longer tried to negotiate "fairly" with ex and just focused on what I thought was in our kids best interest. I stood my ground and would not budge on what I thought was important. I was challenged in court by the judge, by our second custody evaluator (the first one I let ex do whatever she wanted because I believed trying to appease her was the best course of action/ I avoid confrontation and that is part of the reason I got myself into this mess ), by our court ordered parent co ordinator, and even my atty. When I was given the time to explain my reasoning things went in my direction.

My ex still challenges me and our court order. I don't take the bait and follow through with what I think is best.

[Moselle]

I've realised that is the only way too. I play very, very hard. And I don't give her an inch, nothing. she will learn over time that it is pointless to resist. Each stupid thing she has done eg DV claim, I have hit with shock an awe. After her third one, the court is beginning to tire of her nonsense.

I've also been able to use the wealth of evidence at my fingertips as a lever. She knows its there. So does her family, and I think her family desperately don't want it out in the public domain. It would shatter the façade they project at church. After some emails, they know what I have on her. I fantasize about unleashing the evidence of fraud, violence, lies, and debauchery on facebook. 

She's agreed to a 2 year no contact agreement. Only email for two years - for my sanity, Whew!. She tried to call me 5 times the other day because she "wanted to hear my voice". Best she finds another circus, and another monkey.

[david]

I stopped answering my cell unless the number is in my phone book. I have five numbers and counting in which she calls and leaves a voicemail about something I don't need to know. I put them in my phone book in case she calls from that number again and also to document.

[Moselle]

She also keeps repeating "please can we be friends?"

My reply. "I have lots of friends and none of them are abusive, betray me, scream at me, lie and commit fraud. I'd like to keep it that way".

[formflier]

She also keeps repeating "please can we be friends?"

My reply. "I have lots of friends and none of them are abusive, betray me, scream at me, lie and commit fraud. I'd like to keep it that way".

Does she have a reply to this?

Moselle... .you are the man!

FF

[Moselle]

Of course she had a reply.

She calls me "future friend"

Apparently since we separated she has completely changed her behaviour, counts to 10 when she's upset and has generally become the perfect person. Of course this explains the issues she had for 15 years - it was all my fault .

And of course her swearing and screaming at me at court  four weeks ago wasn't really her. It was her imaginary twin.

Now that I'm winning all the battles in court, her family has decided that it's not a good idea to keep the girls from me and that it's time to be really nice to me. Either they are afraid of the truth being revealed in court or perhaps the while family has miraculously recovered from all their mental issues.

I'm guessing the first

[david]

The courts are an outsider and my ex always "looks" her best to outsiders. Bpd is a problem with close/intimate relationships.

My ex literally emptied our house when she left. She removed everything. The house had 47 electrical outlet covers. I know because I had to buy new ones since she removed them all. She took the toilet paper holders ? I mean everything  except  in our attic she left an empty box. On top of the box was a journal of hers. It was around two years before we met until about 6 months afterwards. She acknowledges that she has lots of anger and takes it out on people close to her. It helped me realize she has awareness and control of her behaviors.

I only communicate through email. The anger ebbs and flows. A few weeks ago I had several nasty emails for about a week. It stopped and then I got a kind email a few days later. The longest stretch of nice emails was about two months.

[Moselle]

David, I recognise this email switching from nice to angry and back.i'm just glad it's by email now. I'm I'm control of when I read them.

There are no sms's  no f2f visits and no phone calls.  It's heavenly. Her anger has to be channelled into her email and I just don't respond to the crazy ones.

My stb  ex cleaned out my house too and moved 1 600 km away in April while I was away on business. Our stories are simliar :-)

When I was with her the triggers for a rage were not clear  to me. Now by email i'm beginning to understand them. She'll ask for something ridiculous. The last one was to have the children next year from 15 December to 15 Jan because her sister is coming to visit. My response is just "No". Then she rages trying to get me to change my mind.

Then she switches tactic and says something like "I'm begging on bended knee". My repeated "No" helps her realise it won't happen and she eventually gives up.

I wonder if I will ever become part of the general public who she is mostly kind to. . She has begun to split me white a few times.

[david]

A few months after the house was emptied I received a rejection letter from our homeowners insurance. Ex apparently made a claim saying I emptied the house and made it look like she did it. Since we were both on the homeowners insurance the letter basically said you can't rob from yourself and then make a claim. I had to read it three times before it really sunk in. I couldn't believe someone would even think that was possible to do. I had a really good laugh.

During equitable distribution she claimed again that I stole everything. She had four pages hand written of items she claimed I stole. She valued it at 1.2 million dollars. I told my atty I would write the response. I agreed with her valuation even though it was way off. It was only five figures. I had a bunch of photos from online in her new apartment. They contained the majority of the things she claimed I stole. I said she could keep all the things and just give me my half in cash. My atty liked the approach I took. During the conference my atty showed ex's atty two or three of the photos from the pile. Her atty took her out of the conference room and we settled minutes after they returned. It was a 70/30 split in my favor. My atty said we could have gone to court and I would probably have gotten an 85/15 split. I said no because the majority of that additional money would have just been given to my atty and I would still be married for at least 6 months. The conference officer chimed in and said he thought I made the right decision.

When ex is real mad she will capitalize when she is yelling in her emails. It's much easier on the ears through email.

The emails helped me to see the triggers too. It's pretty much anytime I say no.

About two weeks ago ex sent an email saying she would have the boys the entire Thanksgiving holiday. Our court order splits it 50/50 and this year the boys are with me on Thanksgiving. I simply replied stating the court order exactly as written. She went off attacking me. A day later she sent an email to her atty and cc'd it to me. She told her atty that if I didn't stop being so rigid she was going to go back to court to take my custodial time away.

[formflier]

She valued it at 1.2 million dollars. I told my atty I would write the response. I agreed with her valuation even though it was way off. It was only five figures. I had a bunch of photos from online in her new apartment. They contained the majority of the things she claimed I stole. I said she could keep all the things and just give me my half in cash. My atty liked the approach I took. During the conference my atty showed ex's atty two or three of the photos from the pile. Her atty took her out of the conference room and we settled minutes after they returned. It was a 70/30 split in my favor. My atty said we could have gone to court and I would probably have gotten an 85/15 split. 

David,

You are the man!  I love it when people have examples of "agreeing" with BPD crazyness... .and turning that agreement against them.



FF

[Moselle]

What is it with these people? Well done for turning it to your advantage. My fight about money is still coming. I'm going to try a variation of your tactic, thanks for sharing.

Mine tried to fake a house robbery in a highly secure estate and claim for ridiculous things like 3 Nikon cameras. I think she took all the stuff, pawned it (including my wedding ring - I think that was a sign ☺) and put an insurance claim in. When she couldn't produce the serial numbers of the 3 Nikon cameras they smelled a rat. And investigated.

I knew nothing of this until my household and car insurance was cancelled citing "insurance fraud".

The only positive to come from this is that I went to her psychiatrist and got a written diagnosis of impulse control disorder and eating disorder. That was unfortunately the tip of the iceberg.