How to deal with BPDh not answering me?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Yesterday was one doozie of a day. I tried talking things out with him, and he just shut down. He either can't or won't communicate, and when he does, he goes for blood. Even when I've been staying calm. I even left for a while, because he was making it clear he was just going to keep being rude to me, and keep sniping at me, so I gave myself a break.

He texted an apology while I was gone, I asked him what he was going to do all day(thinking he wanted space, and I'd do my own thing), but he said he was waiting for me to get home. When I got home, he very pointedly ignored me, after grilling me about where I'd been(he often suspects me of stuff I'm not doing).

I tried to talk to him later, but it became clear he was just going to keep not communicating, and he just wouldn't respond. I've sort of always known that this is about power and control, and him trying to show me he is superior to me. He gets a very arrogant look on his face like he's totally enjoying me trying to work things out, and him refusing. Sort of like when a three year old kid plugs their ears and won't respond.

He doesn't just do this when he's dysregulated though, he does this quite often when things seem fine. I'll ask him something, and he just refuses to respond for whatever reason. I HATE this. Why does he do this, and what does he get out of it, other than me starting to hate him? This is the hardest thing to take, perhaps. I was raised where, no matter how shy you were, you were made to answer.

I've tried talking to him about this, and he just denies he does it. He does it so often, that denying he does it is yet another mind game. He KNOWS he does it. It's clearly passive aggressive, and it's clearly his way of showing me he's in control.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? I find this very abusive, and very hard to deal with. This gets under my skin so badly, and I'm sick of acting like it doesn't bother me. It does bother me greatly, and I don't want to be in a marriage where I'm just not responded to. He does it in person, he does it via text(sending me a much longer text, where a short "yes" or "no" only was required(then he'll pretend he answered). It's maddening.

How do I deal with this? I'm so hurt and upset over this right now. He spent all day doing this yesterday(the short times I tried to engage... .I mostly gave him his space), and he's doing it again today. How do I make an impact on this, or let him know it needs to stop. He IS able to modify his behaviors some, because the divorce threats have stopped, and I thought he'd never give that up.

How to deal with this, in a healthy way? Please help, because I'm afraid if he does it when he comes home tonight, I'm going to blow a gasket after five years of this!

[Ceruleanblue]

Yesterday was one doozie of a day. I tried talking things out with him, and he just shut down. He either can't or won't communicate, and when he does, he goes for blood. Even when I've been staying calm. I even left for a while, because he was making it clear he was just going to keep being rude to me, and keep sniping at me, so I gave myself a break.

He texted an apology while I was gone, I asked him what he was going to do all day(thinking he wanted space, and I'd do my own thing), but he said he was waiting for me to get home. When I got home, he very pointedly ignored me, after grilling me about where I'd been(he often suspects me of stuff I'm not doing).

I tried to talk to him later, but it became clear he was just going to keep not communicating, and he just wouldn't respond. I've sort of always known that this is about power and control, and him trying to show me he is superior to me. He gets a very arrogant look on his face like he's totally enjoying me trying to work things out, and him refusing. Sort of like when a three year old kid plugs their ears and won't respond.

He doesn't just do this when he's dysregulated though, he does this quite often when things seem fine. I'll ask him something, and he just refuses to respond for whatever reason. I HATE this. Why does he do this, and what does he get out of it, other than me starting to hate him? This is the hardest thing to take, perhaps. I was raised where, no matter how shy you were, you were made to answer.

I've tried talking to him about this, and he just denies he does it. He does it so often, that denying he does it is yet another mind game. He KNOWS he does it. It's clearly passive aggressive, and it's clearly his way of showing me he's in control.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? I find this very abusive, and very hard to deal with. This gets under my skin so badly, and I'm sick of acting like it doesn't bother me. It does bother me greatly, and I don't want to be in a marriage where I'm just not responded to. He does it in person, he does it via text(sending me a much longer text, where a short "yes" or "no" only was required(then he'll pretend he answered). It's maddening.

How do I deal with this? I'm so hurt and upset over this right now. He spent all day doing this yesterday(the short times I tried to engage... .I mostly gave him his space), and he's doing it again today. How do I make an impact on this, or let him know it needs to stop. He IS able to modify his behaviors some, because the divorce threats have stopped, and I thought he'd never give that up.

How to deal with this, in a healthy way? Please help, because I'm afraid if he does it when he comes home tonight, I'm going to blow a gasket after five years of this!

[sweetheart]

Hi CB,

Have a read of this link see what you think www.hubpages.com/relationships/How-to-cope-with-Silent-Treatment-Abuse and I really like the following :-

What Is The Best Way To Respond To The Silent Treatment?


Focus on yourself! It someone is not speaking to you as a passive aggressive way of hurting you, the best thing for you to do is to take really good care of yourself. Do things that are good for you, and keep your focus off of the other person and their behavior.

I also recommend you do the following things when someone is giving you the silent treatment:

Move ahead with your own life. Do the things that are important to you, especially the things that make you feel good.

Do not give the same "treatment" back to them. That's right, I do not suggest that you ignore them just because they're ignoring you. While your attention to them will certainly be less than usual, just be kind and courteous to them.

Think kind thoughts of them in your mind. Every time you think of the person who has shut you out, send them love and appreciation, focusing on their very best qualities.

Remember that they wouldn't be doing this if they didn't feel hurt or afraid in some way. Be kind in your mind.

Get more helpful ideas in this article entitled, How To Confront Someone Who's Giving You the Silent Treatment.

I realize that this is a tall order. However, I happen to know that you are a brilliant, good person, and that's why I know you can do this if you set your mind to it.

If you have anger issues, then decide to become your own best anger management resource!

I hope these might be of some help.

[OnceConfused]

dealing with BPD and their silent treatments is like having a tooth ache that won't go away.

My xbdfpgf gave me so many silent treatments as her way of saying > she is better and more important than I > . ONe time, she slipped and told me that she enjoyed seeing me struggling in how to deal with her silent treatments. what the heck ! I felt so humiliated as I was taking her seriously but she treated me like a game with her silent treatments.

I feel for you as I dont' have any effective strategy to deal with them. I guess you can try the strategy of using venom to treat venom, by ignoring him TOTALLY for a while. Just see who blinks first.

[Creativum]

Yesterday was one doozie of a day. I tried talking things out with him, and he just shut down. He either can't or won't communicate, and when he does, he goes for blood. Even when I've been staying calm. I even left for a while, because he was making it clear he was just going to keep being rude to me, and keep sniping at me, so I gave myself a break.

He texted an apology while I was gone, I asked him what he was going to do all day(thinking he wanted space, and I'd do my own thing), but he said he was waiting for me to get home. When I got home, he very pointedly ignored me, after grilling me about where I'd been(he often suspects me of stuff I'm not doing).

I tried to talk to him later, but it became clear he was just going to keep not communicating, and he just wouldn't respond. I've sort of always known that this is about power and control, and him trying to show me he is superior to me. He gets a very arrogant look on his face like he's totally enjoying me trying to work things out, and him refusing. Sort of like when a three year old kid plugs their ears and won't respond.

He doesn't just do this when he's dysregulated though, he does this quite often when things seem fine. I'll ask him something, and he just refuses to respond for whatever reason. I HATE this. Why does he do this, and what does he get out of it, other than me starting to hate him? This is the hardest thing to take, perhaps. I was raised where, no matter how shy you were, you were made to answer.

I've tried talking to him about this, and he just denies he does it. He does it so often, that denying he does it is yet another mind game. He KNOWS he does it. It's clearly passive aggressive, and it's clearly his way of showing me he's in control.

HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? I find this very abusive, and very hard to deal with. This gets under my skin so badly, and I'm sick of acting like it doesn't bother me. It does bother me greatly, and I don't want to be in a marriage where I'm just not responded to. He does it in person, he does it via text(sending me a much longer text, where a short "yes" or "no" only was required(then he'll pretend he answered). It's maddening.

How do I deal with this? I'm so hurt and upset over this right now. He spent all day doing this yesterday(the short times I tried to engage... .I mostly gave him his space), and he's doing it again today. How do I make an impact on this, or let him know it needs to stop. He IS able to modify his behaviors some, because the divorce threats have stopped, and I thought he'd never give that up.

How to deal with this, in a healthy way? Please help, because I'm afraid if he does it when he comes home tonight, I'm going to blow a gasket after five years of this!

Makes you insane, don't it?  Especially when it's not pure silent treatment, but rather withholding-of-information treatment, a type of ST.  I honestly find the latter even worse than the former because it's like someone is intentionally giving you a "gift" -- a model train, say -- without all the parts to put it together to make it work.  They like watching us struggle and try to extract more information.  They have something we want, and they won't give it.

There's really no way to deal with the silent treatment.  They either do it because they WANT you to talk to them, or they do it because they actually want no contact at all ... .or they're getting some sick, childish pleasure out of controlling you and doing it for no real reason at all.  You can't/won't ever know, and if you don't intuit the meaning of their silent rage, you'll be in the doghouse (more likely over and over again for that time you didn't correctly interpret the silent treatment!).  So here you just have to rely on your instincts and hope for the best.

[Ceruleanblue]

I haven't read the posted link yet, but I will after BPDh goes to bed. I really, really get the feeling he really enjoys this in a sick, twisted, powerful feeling way. It must make him feel powerful, or like he's "getting even with me", for who knows what.

Yesterday, after he'd apologized(another sad sack, half hearted apology), he asked me if I was miserable with him. I immediately answered "no, if I was, I wouldn't be with you, and that I'm thankful for the progress we've made". He seemed REALLY disappointed, and sort of let down, and shocked. I think he wanted me to say I was miserable!

I think he might actually want me to be miserable, and that is why he acts out, and also with the silent treatment. The outright verbal abuse, he sort of can't deny, but this silent treatment, and things he does that are super passive aggressive, he tries to pass off as "innocent".

He said we could "talk" tonight(HIS idea, brought to me while I was chilling out, alone), and I responded with "you'll only end up angry", and he said he wouldn't, but of course, he did. He ended up barging off, angry at me. It's like he enjoys keeping things stirred up. I'm so tired of it.

I'll come back and post some ideas after I've read the link posted above, dealing with silent treatment. Has anyone had any positive outcome or things that have worked better, when dealing with silent treatment?

[formflier]

and I responded with "you'll only end up angry", and he said he wouldn't, but of course, he did.

CB,

Can you avoid saying things like this?

Focus on choosing to have healthy conversations with him... .and as long as he plays along... .you keep playing along.

When he goes off the rails... .you take a break for you.

It can be really hard to avoid fighting... .but I think you will see big dividends by avoiding the fights. 

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I read the article, and read lots of the comments too. Turns out I'd instinctually done most of them. My thought process was "don't let him know it bothers you", so I ignored it mostly. I got busy, and did my own thing. One time it was for nearly a month. He didn't seem to care. It's like he took that as a challenge?

In the last year, I've resorted to not responding to him at times, then immediately saying "see how it feels? That is what you do to me". Of course, he didn't learn, because he KNOWS what he's doing and why, and he lacks empathy, or he wouldn't be doing this immature, passive aggressive crap in the first place.

Now, I've finally addressed this silent treatment issue with him, and he at first denied he does it, but at least it's now out in the open. I'll probably go back to living my life, acting as if I don't care that he ignores me, but I DO CARE! It's making me resent him and detest him. I was happy that things were getting better, but for the last two days he's back to this.

My Mom mentioned, as did my sister in law, that he's probably stewing over his daughter not keeping her promise to "allow" me around. The time is long past since she said she'd finally do dinner with US, meaning I'm not excluded, but she's clearly broken her word, again. BPDh had told her that he's not going to keep seeing her, and leaving me, his wife, out. He finally set a boundary around her mean behavior, but I'd bet he's feeling frantic, and one little threat from her, and he'll capitulate. She uses the grandkids as a pawn: "You can only see your grandkids, if you leave Ceruleanblue home".

I think he breaks out this silent treatment, because deep down, he blames me. He wants to punish someone, and I'm handy. I'd bet sometimes he doesn't even KNOW why he's doing it. I think he just gets in a bad mood, and it makes him feel powerful to be abusive. The silent treatment is abuse.

I can go back to ignoring it, but I think he knows it bothers me, even long before I told him it bothered me. In fact, maybe it was the fact that I let it roll off me for so long, that he thought it was okay to just keep doing it? There were so many other issues like his rage, blame and mood swings, that the silent treatment was the last thing I really addressed with him.

[Ceruleanblue]

Formflier:

I didn't used to say things like that, I just thought them. I guess I'm no longer so willing to just ignore all his bad behaviors. I didn't really want to "talk" because I know he isn't able to! No matter how mad I am, I can be fair, and not verbally abusive. He's unable, or unwilling to. It's supremely rare for him to have an adult conversation, about anything that truly matters. He doesn't fight fair, and he belittles, and talks very condescendingly towards me. He mocks me.

I can go back to avoiding saying things of that nature, but the outcome was the same. Heck, if someone said that to me, I'd make darn sure to prove them wrong!

My point is, the outcome would have been the same, regardless of if I hadn't said that or not. There are very few things we can talk about that don't upset him. Trivial things, or things that interest him, like Food Network, or Sci Fi. Anything that interests me, or things we need to do or work on, will almost always set him off.

I don't think anyone that lived with this man could get along with him. He has a long history of physical outbursts, and chaotic relationships. He seems to always have a "target".

Knowing that doesn't help though. I mean, I don't blame myself, but I do wish I could do more to affect the outcome of things. Me just not saying something, or saying the right thing(validating or empathizing) has never proven AT ALL effective. Even giving him his own way, which I've done way too much of, doesn't make him happy.

He's miserable and angry, because he chooses to be. And after all my reading, I see there is really no very effective way to make the Silent Treatment stop. All I can do is live my life, and try to lessen it's effect on me. That's sad because it does actually hurt me that he's treat me that disrespectfully.

[formflier]

My point is, the outcome would have been the same, regardless of if I hadn't said that or not.

I disagree... .

This is a bit of a defeatist attitude. 

Try this on... ."The outcome will be different in the future if I consistently apply healthy communication rules to our r/s"

There are very few things we can talk about that don't upset him. Trivial things, or things that interest him, like Food Network, or Sci Fi. Anything that interests me, or things we need to do or work on, will almost always set him off.

If the goal of this is a husband that "doesn't get upset"... .you have handed him all of the power... and you are set up for failure.

What would be a better goal?  Something you can control?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, I'm going to have to respectfully agree to disagree. I've tried it both ways, and the outcome(which is king to me), is the same. I don't think my attitude it defeatist, I think it's realistic. I don't expect a better outcome from him, because I've varied what I DO, and the outcome with HIM, remains the same.

And I've always had healthy communication skills, and know and practice the rules of fair fighting(and thrown in some reverse psychology like the whole "you'll only get mad", and yet he just ends up angry. Any sort of communication dealing with anything he disagrees with, can't fix, or doesn't want to hear, just has the same end result. I don't think that's my issue, I think it's his.

He's had a lot of therapists now tell him he lacks communication skills, as have his employees, and his boss. He actually knows this, but won't pick up a book, do any research online, or actually work the issue with a therapist. I just don't get it. He even has a handout from his therapist about fair fighting. It was part of his DBT.

There have been points in time where I had a really positive outlook, and thought I could change this part of our equation, but the reality is I can't. It takes two to communicate as a couple.

My hope is that when he gets back in DBT, he'll get to a place where things get good enough that either he addresses this issue, or WE can address it in MC. I won't do MC again though until he's much more stable, and willing to stop laying all the blame on me.

I don't think I'm defeatist, I just think after nearly five years, and trying a ton of different approaches, I've come to accept that this is how it is... .for now. It could change, but that remains to be seen. In fact, there is something I'd normally tell him(the guy I dated after BPDh walked out on me texted me), but last time I was honest about that, he exploded, and slept in the bedroom for days. My policy is always "be honest, don't withhold things", but he's sort of taught me that even sharing innocent things, and doing the right thing(telling him about the text), will just end up with ME being the bad guy.