He'd rather be with my daughter.

[Ceruleanblue]

Along with all BPDh's other issues, another major one is that he would much rather spend time with my pretty, 19 year old daughter. It's weird. I know there isn't anything going on, and that BPDh was the same way with his kids, but it still hurts. His ex used to be really jealous of their own kids, because BPDh sort of put his kids in the "mate" role. He got his needs(other than sex) met, by his kids. He shared tons of hobbies with them, yet she felt neglected. He'd kiss her butt in a lot of ways, but I don't think in the ways that mattered to her. I'm in the same boat, only I'm not throwing knives at him for it!

How do I deal with the knowledge that I'm never going to be any sort of a priority? That he's going to always prefer someone else, either his kids or my daughter? He hates my son, and basically "drove him off" as my therapist said.

He's pouting right now, so he's hanging out with my daughter. I just hate this. I'm upset at both of them because they both are rude to me, take their anger out on me, and I pretty much told them both today that I'm no longer okay with that. I told my daughter that I'm tired of her yelling at me, that I'M HER MOTHER, and she needs to show some respect. I don't deserve to be yelled at.

I just think I've hit a wall, and I'm seeing how much more I deserve. From both of them. I've managed to get my relationship back on track with my son, because of boundaries. He now knows if he's rude to me, I'll leave when I'm there to spend time with him. Well, with BPDh and my daughter, I feel sort of stuck. I'm in my bedroom, basically hiding from them, which is not fair.

I don't even think I should have to get used to being passed over, and being made last priority. I know this is probably a NPD/BPD trait, or perhaps a weird dysfunctional, enmeshment type thing, but it stinks.

I was trying to talk to BPDh earlier, because he'd stopped me on my way heading to my car to go to the store, and he got rude, and got mad at me. At first he'd asked me to wait, so he could spend time with me too, but he got mad, and told me to "just leave". I'm so sick of being treated like crap.

Sorry for the vent. I'm just sick of tiptoeing around everyone else's moods and anger.

[Ceruleanblue]

BPDh basically ignored me the rest of the day, until I tried to talk to him. I don't know why I bother. His "promise" of a week ago to stop doing silent treatment, and stonewalling, quickly got forgotten. It's his "go to" when he doesn't want to respond, or is angry at me for trying to work things out. He'd told me that he would no longer do that, but he kept ignoring direct questions. We weren't even fighting really, just talking.

How do you deal with someone who only blames, and tells you your motives, and negates what you tell them? He could believe me, but he chooses not to. His own T asked him a few years ago "why don't you just believe her"? She could tell I was telling the truth, and yet BPDh was choosing to vilify me, and not believe me. I mean, only I know my thoughts and motivations! Yet he'll deny what I say, and ascribe ugly motives or tells me what I'm thinking. It's infuriating. I've had a past tendency to let it go, just telling myself I know the truth.

How do you deal with that? Ignoring it didn't make it better, and it's a real roadblock. I deserve to be believed and trusted, as I've earned it. I haven't given him reasons to think I'd lie, yet he still does this.

I know a lot of us have this issue, and is the only option really to just live with it?

[Samuel S.]

To deal with a BPD takes a tremendous amount of courage and patience and oftentimes to be negated when you have done absolutely nothing wrong. When you know in your own heart that what he says is wrong, then, you are showing yourself and hopefully and eventually him that your actions are stronger than words. If you love him enough under these circumstances, then, you see hope and possible, positive change. If he does love you, the same applies as well. If you are at your wit's end and if there are even more problems that just compound your relationship and that overpower your relationship, then, you need to decide what you want to do for your sanity.

With my BPDw, it took my actions and her own eventual realization that I was right in terms of my relationship with my daughters. She eventually admitted that she was jealous. Yet, there are so many other issues in which she wants to control, but she cannot, but she will rationalize and be verbally abusive, etc. As a result, I have had physical issues due in part to my BPDw. I am getting these physical issues tested, but even then, she wishes to negate how I feel.

In your situation and with mine, they both want chaos. They cannot live with happiness. It is almost like they are a part of a never-ending soap opera.

Again, I just wish there were an easier way to live life without this constant chaos that you and I are experiencing!

[Ceruleanblue]

Yes! Sometimes I feel like we are so close to being "happy" or semi normal, but then chaos ensues. I feel lots of "if only" moments. Like, if he'd just stop not answering me(this is a controlling, passive aggressive, and demeaning thing he does to me). If he could stop that, and if he'd work on the black and white thinking. But as you know, "if", is dependent on them wanting to work their issues, and they don't seem to want to.

I guess what keeps me hoping, and hanging on, is I've seen some small progress. He stopped the divorce threats, but just tonight, he sort of lobbed one out there, and totally talked negatively about our marriage by saying "nothing has changed". Some things have, of course, but he does the whole black/white thinking, and when he's upset, he can only see the bad.

They do thrive, thrive, thrive on chaos. And my daughter is either picking up on some of BPDh's not so good traits, or she's just encouraged to disrespect me because it's what she sees. She's always been a nervous kid, and she clearly has OCD(inherited from me, I'm sure). I feel like I'm tiptoeing around BOTH of them. They aren't even related! I'm glad they get along, but I'm sick of tiptoeing around each of them. THEY get along because they know not to cross each other too much. Plus, they both take out their frustrations on me.

And like you stated, actions are king. I wish he'd judge me by my actions, instead of his interpretation of what he thinks my motives are. How he thinks he knows what I'm thinking, is beyond me. And if he really judged me by my actions, there is no way he could think the things about me that he does.

I've decided that tomorrow, no matter what either of them throw at me, I'm not taking the bait. Today, I felt I needed to stand up for myself, and set a boundary, yet it made it into a really awful day. Tomorrow, I'm just going to do all I can to not let any of their snippy comments, little digs, hostility, or anything, get to me.

And for the record, I do not think my daughter is BPD, she's just got a temper, some serious OCD, and she targets me because I'm her Mom. I think she might have some sort of chemical imbalance going on though, and in fact she told me she thinks she might be Bipolar, and she might start therapy. At least she's somewhat self aware. When I suggested it before, she blew up on me, so when she brought up therapy, I just nodded this time.

I feel I'm living with two moody, angry(mostly BPDh), at times, and I'm always tiptoeing, and being blamed. Just because I'm kind, and tolerant, does not mean I want to keep putting up with being the scapegoat/target. I too wish there was an easier way to live amongst the chaos. I wish it was just as easy as modify ME and my reactions to it(I've tried that with less than satisfactory results)... .

[formflier]

 

CB,

I think your question provides the answer.

It does take a lot of energy to "deal with" this type of behavior.  So... .stop "dealing with it" and carry on with your life.

Right now I am firmly a believer that he understands he can push your buttons with it... .and he is.

The light seems to be coming on about boundaries... .keep working on that... .I believe your answer lies with boundaries.

FF

[OnceConfused]

At this time, try to be DETACHED from both your H and  your D. Don't get in the triangulation.

I think it is perhaps inappropriate of him to be so friendly to your D. Being her mother and his wife, you have the right to say something to him. The tough part is she is 19 so nothing much you can say about her.

[Panda39]

Ceruleanblue,

Do you see the triangulation going on? How can you take yourself out of the Triangle? Below is some reading on Triangulation in case you haven't seen it before.

Triangulation

When two people are in some conflict and one enlists or aligns with a third party to support their position.  Triangulation, as coined by Murray Bowen MD is the “process whereby a two-party relationship that is experiencing great intensity will naturally involve a third party to reduce anxiety” (Bobes & Rothman, 2002).

This unhealthy dynamic commonly happens in family, close friendship, or organizations.  Who or what is right is determined more by the pairing than the issues.

The concept was originated by Bowen in his study of family systems: www.thebowencenter.org/pages/concepttri.html

Karpman triangle

The Karpman Triangle, described by Stephen Karpman is a very useful tool for understanding "stuck" relationship dynamics. The roles are Persecutor, Victim, and Rescuer. We may start in one position, but as another (or others) shift around the triangle, so do we.

Karpmen Triangle https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Is your daughter acting out recent?  Because it made me wonder... .this is totally based on my own childhood... .if she is feeling like she is not getting a lot of your attention.  She sees you spending a lot of time and energy on your husband (who also acts out) so maybe she is trying to get your attention.  Have you spent any girl time with your daughter lately?  Maybe some one on one time with her would help?  Try to put yourself in her shoes what is she seeing?  How might she be feeling? I'm not saying bad behavior is okay but look at why your daughter might be acting out.

Panda39

[Ceruleanblue]

Thanks for waking me up! This IS triangulation. Duh! I'd always known BPDh triangulates therapists, but I was too close to see that is exactly what he's doing with my daughter too. He had this same dynamic in his first marriage, except all his kids were the third part of the triangle, and he used them to hurt his ex.

I have just recently, and do so quite often, spenttime alone doing something fun with my daughter. Her issue is OCD, plus a really bad case of social anxiety. She's pushed herself in the last year, and now has two jobs, and is doing college full time. I know she has stress, but she is totally using ME as her scapegoat. Plus, she uses BPDh and I as her "friends", as she does have social awkwardness. She's beautiful, and smart(and I'm not just saying that because I'm her Mom), but she lacks self confidence, or something. She's always been extremely shy.

BPDh has put my daughter into the place that HIS kids used to be. They have withdrawn from him, so he's now using my daughter to meet those needs. I'm super glad that he loves her, and takes on the role of ":)ad", and I know my daughter only sees him in that capacity, but I'm less sure about him. I think he sees her as a daughter, and he does treat her that way, but who knows what's in his head? After I settled in, and things went bad with his kids, I came to see what I thought was a close relationship with his girls, I came to see was actually total enmeshment, and lack of boundaries. I don't like that he's now doing that with MY daughter.

I'm withdrawing from being baited, and from playing my part in the triangle. I know it will take work on my part, because it's hard to never defend when one of them tells me what I'm thinking, or how I'll react. I'll probably end up doing a lot of walking away, or saying "hmmm". I'm open to other ideas, of ways to not engage, but still be a good wife and Mom.

Thanks you guys!