what does BP mean by...

[DaveG01]

I broke NC today and saw my bp/np exbf.  I told him that I love him too much to just be friends. He agreed but followed with this "I don't know if I miss being in a relationship with you or just miss being in a relationship." Does this mean I'm not good enough in his eyes? I asked him to attend therapy with me on Friday, he's thinking about it... .The therapist I see every week has a Phd., a background with BPDs, and she encourages me to bring him to a session. I saw a therapist for years before I moved and she was very blunt and would come right out and tell me what was good for me. The Dr. I see now is not blunt at all, she is willing to support me in either direction. Which approach do you think is better? I really like my current therapist, but do you think I need to come out and ask her what she feels is best for me? I am so far from myself that I can't even make my own decisions and it's sad.

[Felicity]

Why did you break no contact?   

[DaveG01]

I just can't let go, but I really am trying. It's much harder than I thought it would be. It's pathetic, but my father and I were supposed to leave for Ireland on Friday, but I decided not to go. I know this hurt my father, but he is bringing his best friend instead. If I were to go, I'd be thinking the entire time, "what if he needs me when I'm not there for him?" I know it's crazy! I was not this person before I met him. I've lost my strength and willpower. When were you able to finally let go and what helped you get there? please share... .

[Ash]

One of the 'curses' of Borderline is that it is really easy to get drawn back in.  My word of caution here would be to (effectively) mirror what your ex is saying: do I really miss the core, genuine real person or do I miss the good times this person was able to give me (while simultaneously disregarding the horrible bad times)?

It's not that YOU aren't good enough.  It's that this person may be questioning themselves, trying to figure out what's real for him.  If he's not sure who HE really is, he's not yet able to trust that you're genuinely who YOU say you are.  Even if you know 100% without a doubt that you are you.  If, in his mind, he's confused about who he is, the blurring of boundaries allows him to believe that if he thinks that way, you're thinking that way (about yourself) too.  He can't trust that you are YOU until he can trust that he is HIMSELF. 

Don't hurt yourself trying to understand it if it doesn't make sense right now.  If you can, thought, trust that it's not a reflection of you.  As Don Miguel Ruiz says in The Four Agreements, Don't Take Anything Personally.  His personal hell is his alone.  Even though it may feel like it's partly yours to own, it's not.  I promise.

[Flexion]

Alright, this is concerning my uBPDw.

Today is her birthday. as some of you may know, these days can be difficult. I am beat up every year about her birthday. She seems to find some reason to be mad, then verbally attack me about how I ruin every birthday.

This started our first  birthday together ( met 5 weeks prior to her birthday). We were out with her friends and I laughed at what her friend said to her boyfriend. FOr some reason, she got pissed off and stomped out in front of me. She went to the other side of the car in the back and leaned against it with her arms crossed. Once we arrived at her friends place, again she hurries( apparent) inside and leaves me behind. I sat inside with a group of people I didn't even know for 30 minutes before I got up and left.

Anyhow. fast forward 7 more birthdays ( and God knows every one is difficult) and her we are again.

I will try to fill you in concerning the events that led up to today (her birthday).

SO, I'd been planning to take her out for her birthday but be cautious of spending, as we have spent way too much this year( we cut on my b-day as well). I have a nice evening planned for tonight.

Yesterday, I ran into one of my friends (and future business partner) which is a pro break dancer. HE said they were going to the same restaurant as we were. He'd asked about going dancing afterwards. Well, that rung a bell because my wife had mentioned we haven't danced in a long time. So I text her and asked if she'd want to.

SHe goes off about I only asked because my friend was going. I assured her that I didn't care either way. But, I figured if we wanted to go, why not do it with friends. oh, this is all through text.

So I come home and she pops up and stomps to the room. I walk behind her and ask what is wroing. she says 'Get the F away from me and leave me along... .SO  I did that! She went to bed around 10 and sent me about 23 text telling me what a piece of ___ I am and don't come it there to try to talk to her. I didnt!

This morning, she got up before me at 6:45( not the norm). I had planned( without her knowing) to be home to take care of our son and cook her breakfast. She thought I would go to work and be home at 10 am for her to go to the spa with her grandmother.  then, later we would do dinner and some fun spots. When she came back this morning, I said "good morning babe... Happy Birthday! Do you want a ham/cheese melt?" she said "NO" as she walked by. She went and got in the bath tub and begun the verbal assaults.

Oh, also Yesterday, we were texting about things. she opened up and told me she cried her entire shower the previous night because of her mom and their relationship.  I wholeheartedly supported her and let her know I was by her side and would never leave her.  I even sent her a link to a song that we fell in love to, before all this.  again, texting. So, once I asked about the dancing, she went off. When  I came home, she hops up and again, tells me to leave her alone. I done just that.

NOw, there is no way around this. She says she got out of the shower and told me about crying and I was cold and not supportive.She never told me about crying in the shower until yesterday through text. I had to screenshot the text to remind her she was making sh*t up, while she was beating me down! She is mad for every dang thing. She is constantly text me from the spa at how horrible  I am and ruin every birthday( I get this every year)! I am so exhausted hearing this every year.  I have the most amazing evening planned but get no credit or appreciation. Does anyone else deal with special day drama?

[Daniell85]

hi, I am sorry you are having problems, it can be really disheartening when you are trying to put yourself out to add happiness to someone's day and it all goes sadly wrong.

Is she typically this way, or does this sort of behavior revolve around her birthday?

For whatever reason, it sounds like she has built up negativity around her birthday and is losing her composure in anticipation of the day and what happens on it for her.

It seems you are saying you are trying to surprise her with a lovely evening. I wonder, does she stay more stable if she is directly involved in those kinds of plans? Was she involved in it? Can see she went off over someone else being included in her evening. Also the problems with her mom... .are there problems?

[waverider]

I think this is common with what is effectively a self absorbed type of personality disorder. In their mind they are living a script, however they have poor ability to communicate needs and thoughts, but simply expect them to be met.

When you throw in alternatives, you are interrupting that script , an intrusion, it is invalidating to them  and seem as a barrier to having their needs met. It doesn't matter the intent, or how good your proposal is, it is causing ripples in their internal plan. This triggers frustration. In their world things are not going to plan,, and of course its your fault.

I think they only way around this is not to drop complete surprises or options on them, unless you know they like this, without first asking if they have and plans or would they like you to work on some suggestions, or would the like a surprise.

To them birthdays and other events, are massive events, they are over thought, or blocked altogether out of anxiety of things going wrong. Just going with the flow, means handing over control, and that makes them uneasy.

In your example rather than suggesting going dancing with friends, best to first ask if the idea of going something after appeals to her, then ask if she would prefer to just go somewhere yourselves, only add in possibly going with friends as a third option. Putting it up front to her makes it sound like your preferred option. Your preferred option should sound like you want to know if she has any preferences.

They dont hear equal options to weigh up, it is a list of priorities.

[Flexion]

hi, I am sorry you are having problems, it can be really disheartening when you are trying to put yourself out to add happiness to someone's day and it all goes sadly wrong.

Is she typically this way, or does this sort of behavior revolve around her birthday?

For whatever reason, it sounds like she has built up negativity around her birthday and is losing her composure in anticipation of the day and what happens on it for her.

It seems you are saying you are trying to surprise her with a lovely evening. I wonder, does she stay more stable if she is directly involved in those kinds of plans? Was she involved in it? Can see she went off over someone else being included in her evening. Also the problems with her mom... .are there problems?

Thanks for the reply !This is pretty typical behavior. However, it seems on her birthday, she reflect back on ones she spent with her mom. Just a day or so before her b-day, she called her mom. OF course the don't get along. Her mom is "bi-polar! She is very mean to my wife. My wife brought up her mom not making it to her grandmothers for the celebration they had planned. Her comments were " NOthing new!" So, i do know that her mom never done much for her.

Anyhow, it's like she has to fight every year, even when I am begging her not to. I really think she enjoys beating me to cr*p every year no matter what I do.

She doesn't care about planning it. But, if I miss the mark, beware!

so, the birthday night I originally had planned went over well Saturday night. SHe loved the evening and all was good.

The next day is another series! Lol.