communicating through a 3rd party - any experience?

[Hard Rock]

Hi all,

Have any of you forced your exUBPD's to communicate through a 3rd party, i.e. your attorney or otherwise?

I'd love to hear experiences on this and how to notify the exUBPD of this change.

How did you handle communication if there was an emergency with one of the children?  Directly or still through the 3rd party?

My sister wants to stop the hammering and harassment by email happening every day - especially on her "rest" days when he has parenting time with the kids.

Is it a good idea and if any of you have done it, would love to hear who you used as the 3rd party and how you all set it up.

I imagine doing it through her attorney would get expensive, but then again, could cut the harassment down by a significant amount (probably wishful thinking).

It just wears her down while she's dealing with so much already.  

[david]

Attorneys would be very expensive.

I use email exclusively for communication. It is actually written in our court order. In the beginning I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month. Most of them where about what was wrong with me. I only answered the ones that needed an answer and that pertained to the kids. That was about 4 or 5 a month. I saved all the others in case I needed them for court. That was back in 2007 through 2010. Eventually, a few years, ex emailed less. I now get around 10 to 20 a month. I still only answer about 5

[livednlearned]

I agree with david -- going through attorneys would just get expensive. Although this can depend on how active the custody dispute is. If it's active, then engaging a lawyer becomes part of the overall strategy.

Some people use Our Family Wizard. It can create the sense that you are shining a light on the onslaught of messages. Although, for many disordered individuals, they are driven by impulsive/compulsive thinking, so the messages don't necessarily stop. If anything, they just get recorded in a third-party platform and can be used to show a judge that there was a need to manage the BPD parent.

For me, I found a rock inside myself and once I finally got there, the abusive messages rolled off me like water. I created a filter and sent the messages there. I only read them when I was in the mood. A few times, I created a problem for myself by not checking the messages sooner. By far, though, the filtering was a blessing.

Is your sister thinking that she will amend the current parenting plan? If so, what volume is she dealing with? Are the messages harassing her or are they abusive? 

[david]

It wasn't easy for me in the beginning. I felt like I had to exonerate myself every time ex made a false allegation against me. Eventually I realized that I was banging my head against a wall and stopped explaining/correcting her misconceptions/etc.