Hitting rock bottom?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Is there such a thing for BPD sufferers?

My family keep going on at me to cut all contact andforce my wife to hit rock bottom. They even suggest stopping contact between her and daughter.

Trouble is, I'm not sure that would help our relationship in the long run. Part of me thinks she wpuld hold it against me forever.

Part of me thinks it would be the right thing to do?

However, we seem to make more progress when we are speaking. She has now said I can go to her psych appointment and asserted what she would want from me at the appointment.  She has also agreed to go back to our couples counselling.

The lies however... .that is something I am struggling with. I mean, what person moves into another house but then refuses to tell their wife, mother of their child, where that is even though it is in the same small town?

[wundress]

Is there such a thing for BPD sufferers?

My family keep going on at me to cut all contact andforce my wife to hit rock bottom. They even suggest stopping contact between her and daughter.

Trouble is, I'm not sure that would help our relationship in the long run. Part of me thinks she wpuld hold it against me forever.

Part of me thinks it would be the right thing to do?

However, we seem to make more progress when we are speaking. She has now said I can go to her psych appointment and asserted what she would want from me at the appointment.  She has also agreed to go back to our couples counselling.

The lies however... .that is something I am struggling with. I mean, what person moves into another house but then refuses to tell their wife, mother of their child, where that is even though it is in the same small town?

[Herodias]

I don't think mine has a rock bottom. He has been homeless, lost touch with his family and we are now separated pending a divorce. He has had accidents, been in jail and been in rehab and the mental hospital. I honestly think he doesn't want to be alive.  The thing is, we are supposed to have boundaries with them... .you have to treat them like they are a toddler and make rules and abide by them. Sometimes you have to leave, because they push you to do so. Mine had a woman in our bed on Xmas... .I am traumatized. I had no choice. He wanted me to leave him, but I don't think he really was trying to have me find out that way!  Ironically, this woman is not the same one he is with now. This one is another recycle he cheated on me with. It's just so gross... .I had no choice but to leave. You have to find your own boundaries.

[GreenEyedMonster]

These people are like the Black Knight from Monty Python.  The whole basis of the disorder is that they have brain mechanisms in place so that they don't feel pain, Freudian defense mechanisms.  When your brain blocks out all pain, it's really hard to learn and grow from your life experiences.  Most of us would face epic failure and wonder what had gotten us to that point and do some serious soul-searching, but for a pwBPD . . . it's just a flesh wound.  It *has* to be just a flesh wound, because they have no skills or resilience to deal with the reality of the situation.  I think most of them do have a rock bottom, but it might as well be the center of the earth.

[wundress]

Does medication help? Mine has had lithium suggested to her. And previously amitryptaline worked as it seemed to block pain she was feeling physically and mentally so that she was able to function better.

I keep reading that counselling works long term but I guess the battle in get the pwBPD to go... .

[wundress]

Actually that explanation of the disorder being about lack of pain does help. Mine also doesn't want to feel happiness either.  She is trapped in a cycle of believing that if something good happens then something awful is bound to follow so she self sabotages.

[Herodias]

Medication only helped mine to calm his nerves. The problem is he abused any kind of anti-anxiety medication. My understanding is that they need behavior modification and drugs don't really help... .Drugs only seem to help  manic-depression types or schizophrenia. Mine self soothes with alcohol which only makes it worse when he dissociates. I shouldn't be calling him mine anymore since we are separated... .I am having trouble calling him ex when we are still married. I feel in limbo, but you know what I mean... .

[Ceruleanblue]

I'm not sure they are capable of hitting rock bottom in the way an alcoholic, or drug user might. I mean, the entire issue is that they have different brain chemistry, so it's not quite the same as dealing with an addiction.

BPDh has had some hard things happen in his life, he's lost his first wife, he almost lost our marriage, his kids won't see him(this actually isn't his fault), and yet he stopped going to DBT! I don't know what more it would take, because I'd think if those things happened to ME, I'd be really looking at my behaviors that push people away. Especially when you've had two wives tell you that you are abusive, and you've been to anger management twice, and your psychiatrist tells you you have traits of BPD(I actually think he's hiding his full blown diagnosis from me).

I've done tons of work on ME, and I try to communicate in a respectful healthy way, I've walked away more times than I can could, used the tools here, but basically, things won't get "healthy" until HE wants to make a conscious effort too.

I feel for you, and lots of us have been there. Sometimes you have to just walk away, but it's a hard choice to make. If you think more progress is made by communicating, trust you gut? Going no contact might make things worse, and I can see where you'd think withholding the child might make things really bad. I don't think that is a good idea at all. Your family is trying to help, but a child should never be used as a pawn, or a way to make someone get help. Unless she's a danger to the child, I can't see not letting her see her.