Losing Me Losing Him

[SandWitch]

I posted a long time back.  Things go really busy and always rocky.  To my knowledge my BPD bf does not practice learning any skills. We cannot have actual conversations about it without him exploding.  He is cyclothymic (like bi-polar but many cycles through out the day).  We talk about goals but they never happen (well unless it is buying something).  Some of these lost goals have to do with keeping a roof over our head.  My eyes are opening to the fact that he will usually put his ego needs ahead of real life needs.  He may be cheating on me as he sees it as just sex.  Love does not seem to be enough. I am the only one saving money and it isn't much (working on that).  He seems to be several people at once.  His last wife appears to have worked so he did not deal with real life and given all her choices up to him.  I have also seen him lie to others and wonder if I can trust him.  I know that no one can tell me the answer - I have to be strong.  I just need to say it to keep from feeling isolated and crazy.

P.S.  From what I know of his mental state it must be HELL to live in his head.  But he is lucky - he has extreme charisma and someone always scoops him up.   

[once removed]

hey sandwitch 

you do sound exhausted. may i ask how things got busy and rocky? whats transpired in the past few months?

[SandWitch]

He had his own business and I started keeping the books plus helping him and working.  It was what we had talked about. He also got a part-time job.  We were swamped. He constantly talked about a co-worker.  She reminded him of his wife. He and she began making plans about the business.  He quit a while back and we were working together. Then no orders came up and he went into a funk.  He recently started working there again at her urging. Now he does not want to do the business anymore.  But she is leading him to other options tied to work. We do not dream together any more.  I am emotionally exhausted.  I have seen them and she has only has eyes for him and looks at me tensely.  It is as if he needs to follow her.  When he gets home we eat and watch TV. I don't know what or who I am any more. The last time I went there she said she had wanted to look up our address and stop by (he had quit).  Neither of us are too keen on people just stopping by. When I later told him it made me nervous - he exploded about how jealous I was and how I ruined his evening.  A few days later he said that she joked that the four of us should live in a commune.  He can make you feel so close or close you out.  Working on saving money so I can leave if he wants to pursue this.  Right now I put all my time into building us and cut my work hours.  When I have enough I need to find a non-confrontive way to ask.  My heart wishes it can be salvaged.  I want that guy who fiercely wooed my - drew me out of my shell - made dreams.  For now I am focusing on enjoying our evenings on the couch and snuggling and laughs when they come.  But the uncertainty is there.  Counselling is helping me not be a mess.  At some point I need to take the risk of finding things to do alone as he will not.   

[Ellie67]

 Hey there- I read this as if I were reading my own words- I never would have thought that someone just like him even existed.

Taking care of you and doing what you need to do for your own peace and well-being is wise.

May I ask what you do when there is an explosion?

[SandWitch]

I used to clam up and blame myself for his anger.  Then apologize.  Lately fearing it I don't ask for clarification right away.  Today I asked about the subject of infidelity.  I told him he could get mad and yell but I needed to ask.  He asked if I was cheating!  This is laughable - I am the one who believes monogamous sex is part of a healthy relationship - he says "it is just sex" on a regular basis.  He looked me in the eye and said he is tired of the jealousy.  Now I think I am just crazy.  But our talks end up with me blaming myself most of the time.  If I had not seen the medical records I found when I moved in I would believe him.  The good part of us is good but this is a deal breaker for me.  Asked him to come with me to counseling and he said why he hasn't done anything.  Because I want us to be better.  Now I have sent him into a spiral he is napping.  We are under tremendous stress financially.  His BPD/cyclothymia/DID are untreated - I am trying to get him state health insurance.  The "noise" in his head is constant - as he puts it many screens playing at once. 

[once removed]

it sounds like things are very volatile sandwitch. you sound deeply drained, and understandably anxious, hes not in a good state himself, and its all very stressful for you. have you had a chance to read our lessons (links) directly to the right? it sounds like youre carrying the world on your shoulders and its getting heavier. that in itself makes things more challenging, everything becomes a day to day struggle. you can work toward stopping the bleeding which can help you gain a lot more clarity going forward. and please keep posting. we are here for you sandwitch 

[SandWitch]

This thread should probably be moved or closed.  I am leaving tomorrow.  Once he acknowledged that he cannot feel free in a monogamous relationship much of his angry cycling stopped.  I have a new start as I posted on the leaving thread.  Once I get settled - I will need to come here regularly and do my self work to figure out how to change my approach to relationships (the one with myself too).  Have been so scattered that I cannot remember which areas I was going to access here.  Needing to write things down to keep moving forward and not get overwhelmed or melt down.  We have been able to talk.  Healing will take place over time with work on my part.  I need to get my confidence back and level out my world.  He was becoming my everything.  If I have internet access I will be back to do lessons soon.  I hope so.  Feeling lost and disconnected a lot of the time.  Just picking up a book is not enough.  Feedback from others broadens the world and helps me laugh at myself.