Tired of dealing with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi there,

I am at my wits end.  I have been raised by a woman who has almost textbook traits of BPD and a daughter who is a volatile BPD sufferer who is a heavy cutter and emotionally/verbally abusive. I completely "finished" where I just don't want either person in my life because I am so drained by dealing with it since day 1. Growing up my mother was horrible to me in comparison to my brother, we barely had a relationship for a number of years. My daughter is a young adult and began getting sick at 15 and has just progressed into a self destructive mess despite my seeking expensive therapy, taking months off work, changing jobs etc... Nothing is ever enough for her.

Lately, I just find myself not caring anymore. I feel that my entire life has been to emotinally held hostage and if I continue I will lose my mind. I read all the stuff about how to deal, been to the therapist sessions etc. but how much of the "bigger" person are we supposed to be? When do we stop before nothing is left?

[Roantree]

Hi there,

I am at my wits end.  I have been raised by a woman who has almost textbook traits of BPD and a daughter who is a volatile BPD sufferer who is a heavy cutter and emotionally/verbally abusive. I completely "finished" where I just don't want either person in my life because I am so drained by dealing with it since day 1. Growing up my mother was horrible to me in comparison to my brother, we barely had a relationship for a number of years. My daughter is a young adult and began getting sick at 15 and has just progressed into a self destructive mess despite my seeking expensive therapy, taking months off work, changing jobs etc... Nothing is ever enough for her.

Lately, I just find myself not caring anymore. I feel that my entire life has been to emotinally held hostage and if I continue I will lose my mind. I read all the stuff about how to deal, been to the therapist sessions etc. but how much of the "bigger" person are we supposed to be? When do we stop before nothing is left?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[ArleighBurke]

Sorry to hear you're in so my pain. Living with just 1 BPD is stressfull and draining, i can't imagine what 2 would be like.

Certainly looking after yourself is #1 priority. How you do that is really up to you but boundaries and detachment are important.

Detachment is truely believeing that you are not responsible for their health. Be there to be supportive, but "let go" of their behaviour - they will make their own choices and have their own consequences. You cannot fix them. Boundaries is choosing what level of support you will offer.

There is a lot of information on this site. Spend time to read it. Search for both topics. It may seem overwhelming at first, but take small steps, enjoy small wins.

I know its very difficult. Many days it's like carrying around a tonne of bricks on your back whilst having more thrown at you. You feel drained, lost, stuck. There is hope.

How old is your daughter now? Is she still living with you? And what about your wife/partner?

[Roantree]

Thanks for the reply. I live with my husband.  he is better about it and doesn't like setting limits. My daughter is in her 20s and moved out when she was 18. We won't let her move back as there have been a number of graphic suicide attempts and we have a small child in the house. I cant imagine the long term impacts of seeing what we have seen at a young age.

I'm seeing my GP this week and going to ask for some anxiety medication as I am struggling to cope.

[AVR1962]

Roantree, I do so understand and hear what you are saying. We each have to figure out what is right for us and how far we can go. Have you read any material on BPD? There are high functioning who will seek help and work thru therapy, others who are in denial about a diagnosis who blame and do not get help and then there are those are never diagnosed and exhaust us to death.

It sounds like we have similar backgrounds. I am 52, my mother has issues and it has been well known in the family. I thought for years it was her long term alcoholism and I have no doubt that plays a factor but in recent years I too have been able to draw a parallel between my mother and my daughter. Growing up my mother was very detached to us girls and she was especially mean to me which I could not understand. She suffered from depression and addiction. She had to have control but went to other people to make sure the control was carried out thru them.

I married a man who told me he could not live without me, threatened to take his life if I didn't marry him. We were married 7 years and had 2 children when I found out he was having an affair. When I confronted him he admitted, was charming and asked me if I thought it was possible to fall in love with two people at the same time. Then friends started coming to me telling me the things he was saying, absolute lies to cover his tracks and make it look like he had to leave.

When my husband left our oldest was 6 and it broke he heart. It was then I started having trouble with her. She was later diagnosed with BPD, and even later yet bipolar and depression. After some time I could predict what my daughter would do based on my experiences with her own father. I think you probably are getting a picture by now.

Over 4 years ago I started therapy as I could no longer take all the "bullies" and "users" in my life. I felt like I was swimming in a sea of lies and these lies told by others were being turned on me and I didn't know why. I learned that my mother is narcissistic, I was the family scapegoat who is used to being the one blamed and will keep trying. My counselor put it to me that I was surrounded by manipulators and liars. She also explained that BPD and NPD are in the same B Cluster and possess many of the same traits.

Thought I would share in the case that it might help you figure things out in your own life.

I too have grown tired of all the games. I would like us all to get along but what I realize is that honesty is important to me and these types of people can not be trusted so I have reached a limit I do not see myself turning back from.