daughter got hurt and BPD mom making me the "bad guy" for caring

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Last night i found out my daughter got hurt.  The story i'm being told is that she "ran into a parked car" and smashed her face into the car and broke her teeth.  It started with a text message from the uexBPDw telling me that she was in the ER with my daughter (11).  I immediately called.  My ex was calm as could be and it was almost strange how unemotional she was about this.   I spoke with my daughter and told her that i loved her and then she put her mom back on the phone.  I asked what was going to happen next.  She said she was going to have our older daughter take her to the dentist in the morning.   

As i got off the phone and calmed my nerves i realized that my ex or a parent not being with my daughter for such an important medical decision was not the way to go.  I live out of state (two states away) and come back either every other weekend or once a month to see my kids.  However, for such an important situation I was willing to take off of work and drive through the night to come and be there for my daughter if her mom couldn't.   When i informed my daughters mom that i would be willing to come back she got real defensive.  However, not only did she get defensive, she used it as an opportunity to "gas light" and turn the issue around on me in front of my daughters.  She said, "you're willing to drive all this way for a DENTIST appointment but you won't come for your daughters band concert which is more important to her.  The minimizing ability she has is very powerful!   I tried to keep her on topic and said we are talking about our daughters medical situation not her band concert tonight.  She then said, 4 times in a row the same statement: my older daughters name- followed by : "is taking her to the dentist tomorrow".   It was almost like a compulsive statement that she couldn't control.  She hung up on me after that. 

I called some friends for support and they helped me to see that driving all the way there for her to block me seeing the kids was probably not healthy for me and it would just insite more drama from my ex and for the kids.   

Next my daughter's mom calls back and left a vm.  She says that the dentist just called her back (remember that she had been adiment about the morning appointment already being taken care of with my older daughter) and said he could get her in tonight and that she would call me and let me know what is happening. 

She calls me back and I answer.   She tells me all the details and says that our daughter may need to see a specialist in pediatrics on friday.   I asked how she is going to do that if she can't get off from work and she says she will leave work for the appointment.  I asked if my daughter was going to stay home from school.  She said yes but she's been home alone before.  As soon as she heard herself say that, she quickly said that her friend that moved in with her will be home.   In her state there are laws against leaving the kids alone by themselves.   

Summary- we go from totally minimizing my involvement over "just a dentist appointment when my daughter would rather me come to her concert"  to taking her to an after hours dental appointment that is going to be big bucks and now have a specialist involved.   

I'm trapped in so many double binds with her but this is just an example of how difficult it is for me to navigate through her BPD currents.   She uses every ounce of energy to make me look bad or negative for caring about my kids.  It's like she uses the fact that i want to help and be there for my kids when they really need it against me and compares it to a concert.   

I wish i was in a position to fight for them but i agreed to a divorce with her when the economy was bad and i don't have enough money to fight her in court.  I feel so bad that I'm being punished for trying to be a caring adult to my children.  Meanwhile, their Mom is not able to care for them properly and yet she has control over them.   

[truthbeknown]

Last night i found out my daughter got hurt.  The story i'm being told is that she "ran into a parked car" and smashed her face into the car and broke her teeth.  It started with a text message from the uexBPDw telling me that she was in the ER with my daughter (11).  I immediately called.  My ex was calm as could be and it was almost strange how unemotional she was about this.   I spoke with my daughter and told her that i loved her and then she put her mom back on the phone.  I asked what was going to happen next.  She said she was going to have our older daughter take her to the dentist in the morning.   

As i got off the phone and calmed my nerves i realized that my ex or a parent not being with my daughter for such an important medical decision was not the way to go.  I live out of state (two states away) and come back either every other weekend or once a month to see my kids.  However, for such an important situation I was willing to take off of work and drive through the night to come and be there for my daughter if her mom couldn't.   When i informed my daughters mom that i would be willing to come back she got real defensive.  However, not only did she get defensive, she used it as an opportunity to "gas light" and turn the issue around on me in front of my daughters.  She said, "you're willing to drive all this way for a DENTIST appointment but you won't come for your daughters band concert which is more important to her.  The minimizing ability she has is very powerful!   I tried to keep her on topic and said we are talking about our daughters medical situation not her band concert tonight.  She then said, 4 times in a row the same statement: my older daughters name- followed by : "is taking her to the dentist tomorrow".   It was almost like a compulsive statement that she couldn't control.  She hung up on me after that. 

I called some friends for support and they helped me to see that driving all the way there for her to block me seeing the kids was probably not healthy for me and it would just insite more drama from my ex and for the kids.   

Next my daughter's mom calls back and left a vm.  She says that the dentist just called her back (remember that she had been adiment about the morning appointment already being taken care of with my older daughter) and said he could get her in tonight and that she would call me and let me know what is happening. 

She calls me back and I answer.   She tells me all the details and says that our daughter may need to see a specialist in pediatrics on friday.   I asked how she is going to do that if she can't get off from work and she says she will leave work for the appointment.  I asked if my daughter was going to stay home from school.  She said yes but she's been home alone before.  As soon as she heard herself say that, she quickly said that her friend that moved in with her will be home.   In her state there are laws against leaving the kids alone by themselves.   

Summary- we go from totally minimizing my involvement over "just a dentist appointment when my daughter would rather me come to her concert"  to taking her to an after hours dental appointment that is going to be big bucks and now have a specialist involved.   

I'm trapped in so many double binds with her but this is just an example of how difficult it is for me to navigate through her BPD currents.   She uses every ounce of energy to make me look bad or negative for caring about my kids.  It's like she uses the fact that i want to help and be there for my kids when they really need it against me and compares it to a concert.   

I wish i was in a position to fight for them but i agreed to a divorce with her when the economy was bad and i don't have enough money to fight her in court.  I feel so bad that I'm being punished for trying to be a caring adult to my children.  Meanwhile, their Mom is not able to care for them properly and yet she has control over them.   

[livednlearned]

Hi truthbeknown,

It's a difficult situation to be in, and you're probably so worried about your daughter -- were you able to talk to her at all throughout all of this? I hope things go ok with her teeth and that she'll be back to full health soon.

Not that it's an excuse -- BPD mom probably was minimizing things because she feels shame, or that the accident somehow reflects badly on her. Maybe the incident with the car has more to the story?

How are your girls doing otherwise?

[truthbeknown]

Hi truthbeknown,

It's a difficult situation to be in, and you're probably so worried about your daughter -- were you able to talk to her at all throughout all of this? I hope things go ok with her teeth and that she'll be back to full health soon.

Not that it's an excuse -- BPD mom probably was minimizing things because she feels shame, or that the accident somehow reflects badly on her. Maybe the incident with the car has more to the story?

How are your girls doing otherwise?

I was able to talk to her and she seems okay but i have the distinct feeling that she is subconsciously "not allowed" to be weak in front of her mom. My son even minimizes and says, "dad, its just teeth, it's not like she really got hurt" I agree with the shame assessment because just the fact that i suggest or come from a "healthy" perspective makes her feel threatened.   The car story does not make sense.  When i have shared this with some of my closest people around me they wonder why wouldn't she have more injuries (such as falling after the bike hit would produce).   I don't even know what doctors she has been to so that i can ask questions and find out more details.

My exuBPDw  is a pathological liar and I realize it is part of the disease but it is still very hard to deal with. 

I wish everyday that i had believed that she was this ill when we got divorced but I was in denial myself.   Now there are so many things which i feel are unhealthy for my children and I cannot help them with it. 

I need to contact a lawyer again and see if i have options.  I believe i have been bad advise in the past and I just need to keep trying.  Thanks for responding.

[ForeverDad]

Review your court order, it will likely state you have access to all medical and school records.  Courts will not take away access to records except in extreme circumstances, I would believe.  Maybe she is obligated to share copies of the children's paperwork with you, especially if you request them?  So her refusing to share paperwork and even the identity of the providers could be basis to file Contempt of Court.*  (Be sure to have documentation you did seek copies of her medical paperwork from her and identity of the medical providers.)  However, if you do so, the timing is crucial, do it sooner rather than later.  Yes, the court may be slow to get to it, may even schedule a hearing weeks out but if you file saying "A few months ago my Ex... ." then the court may very well view it as something not that important to you.  Delays almost always work out to the misbehaving parent's advantage.

* Contempt of Court determinations have sometimes been compared here to parking tickets.  They may not mean much until a few accumulate and the court finally realizes this is a pattern of obstruction or noncompliance.

[cobwebfaery]

i can only say what i wish my father had done possibly: gone to a counsellor, no gp then psychiatrist for somekind of mental health issue ie stress from what's happening really taken seriously, and told all in that setting; that would give you a log of everything. they have to alert etc if they think any harm liekly to people .  if your ex knew about it it would be good, she could use it to soothe her anxiety about you 'taking the kids', and to badmouth you to her kids to minimise their connection emotinally from you. however it will come out as to the reason your're 'going mad'/'getting psych help' - its aobut love for them.  may have to wait til older for them to hear this, ; you could also utilise the psych help/counslling to get step by step help (they can signpost you to helpful professionals and also help you explore options, plus of course you genuinely will need emotional support of course, and the less this bottles up the more intelligently you can respond to situations started by BPD ex partner.  including knowing when to just go with your heart.   the next step is move nearer. even if only a bit. put it on record its to be able to see kids more easily.  but remember, keep the 'damaged psych profile' so your ex doesn't move kids even further away.'   u might also consider hinting that you miss her unbearably (its true in a way, u miss the normal her u wish she had been etc - but done ever tell her it that way). this will all ensure she never leaves.  u may have to let any current partner in on this very very carefully (ie it must never get out).  u may need rather to make a written note about it, store it with a trusted solicitor or counsellor, and if your ex tries to play your new current partner you refer current partner to that. 

consider carefully this: u know u tangled with a BPD now, the question to ask is am i willing to admit that to be any kind of support to my children, i have to give up the idea of new life, new family, and just be single, get help as above ( and more) and do the delicate balancing act somewhat described above.  will all this trigger in you a genuine breakdown? do you secretly just 'know' that all you can do is cut loose, start again, and write some ver very secret letters to be given to your kids only on passing of the BPD parent (by which time you too may have passed ).

here's a happier thought.  an older child even a younger child, can be engaged with in conversation - just be honest and simple and ask the kid not to tell mummy .  i know that's freighted and could cause armageddon if kid does tell and may cause the kid strain of a sort. but remind yourself - that strain will be offset by your loving eyes, your simple authentic aura, your telling the truth, and believe me she's already under another 'secret keeping' strain, that the BPD causes , but its subtle and implicit, eg 'i'm going to never mention your dadddy, and neither are you.  i'm going to run him down to your aunt in front of you and you are going to agree wtih me in your loving and loyal to your mummy heart.' .  we are in 'secret services/spies movies type territory here but if yousay nothing which beleive me is what you'll end up doing, just 'thats a famous ice cream maker? want an icecream? '  then isn't that yourrelationship already pretty much destroyed?  i mean any old stranger can accompany and speak nice to a kid. this is your kid and you have the inside track. 

personally i wish my own absentee (tricked into divorcing etc) parent had actually spent more time with me just 'hanging out' and then, had actually set up a proper meeting, maybe even with a witness , not a girlfriend of course, maybe a counsellor, or a grandparent, and actually flagged the meeting up as 'about mummy'; ensure i knew he respected and loved her enough to marry her and have bbies wtihher, BUT... .and i don't know but if he'd said even just 'if mummy ever makes you feel afraid or scared or funny, don't hate her, but do please tell me about it. also, you need to have a friend or too and not just see them very rarely outside school, that is most important, for we all need friends, and mummy is a bit anxious and noone's going to be 'good enough' etc. but please tell me or a teacher if you feel etc.

its f-ing impossible it might seem as you are now thinking this could trigger an attack or other exrtreme move (often literally moving house) by the ex BPD partner.  this is the territory you're in though, eihter tool-up or get completely out. most people try to do everything: start again, go into denial, get scared, have to pursue careers and earn even more money for the new family, get exhausted and die erarly (my dad died at 53). 

don't forget intuition, and its habit of deserting you unless you get enough rest and relaxation.  tell your kids what you do to relax and involve them too, it will teach them that skill.

my father loved me when i was little, then he attended all access days and drove us places.  i hung the best parts of my whole personality on both those facts.  he didn't know it but my mother told me categorically that he didn't love me and only turned up to hurt her.  i was in my teens at that point, in danger of upsetting her by becoming ok with his new family and self respecting .  i never blame my mother if i can remember she was 'very sick'.  but we're tlaking about your kids. if i'd had just one conversation as a teen with my dad, it would have combatted the most depressed series of useless, self hating, poor choices, fear-filled tension, etc and the effects of that on subsequent twenties and etc.

i never looked anyone in the eye.  i never had a confiding friend.  i never had the babies i dreamed of from 11 onwards to 16.  i obediently ratted on my father officially, at 16; i hid depression and developed personality disorder , schizoaffective disorder, had low resilience and low energy.  i'm 53 now and for first time expressing all this to a counsellor,

hope its helpful.

ps i never got any cards AND I NEVER WAS INVITED BY BPD PARENT TO SEND ANY.  ONCE I CHOSE A GIFT for my father, when he was in local town and mummy was somehow there, and the amazing rightnes of that: your kids will have so much love for you dammed up if theooir mum is't allowing that expression.  it definely affects future relationships. do you want your daughter to marry someone she can't ever know her feelings for? or keep because she seems so 'shut off'?

take the time to think, get expert advice, treat it like a second career, and take time off to keep sanity, films walks in the fresh air.  when you look back you want to know you had your priorities reflected in your life's activities. 

truth is what would really work is if you took holy orders and wrote loving letters to your kids .  the ex might let them through. 

btw: never , if you have more children etc, minimise your feelings for them or walk on eggshels aroundn your first children.  keep it real with both sets of kids.  they need to know you love all your chldren early on, not much later, .  i still can't face my fathers subsequent children because i built all my low self esteem on their existence, their beuaty, their normality, thiir endless access to my father, etc.  but theri was a point early on when i loved teh  new first baby with his second wife; that could have been built on.  i think my mum phoned up and told some lies such as 'she may seem ok but she 'hates' him or 'cries about him' or 'hates you and anna.'  she must hvae doen based on the stoppage inhtat being encouraged. then he had a daughter, and no interacttion was encouraged.  lots of BPDs play favourites and triangulate and play on insecurities.  when i drew a picture of my step sister looking pretty in the future next ot a picture of ornery me in the future, my BPD parent looked at it for a while before summoning her syruppy voice to utter 'you can't be less beautiful that her your MY daughter.' i know now it must have almost shut down her inner computer to be faced wtih the dual task of maintaining my unmarieagability ('you'll never get a man if you ... .' and not seeing HER kid badly compared to her rivals child.  she will have told my father about this and the girl was treated like a not much bothered about pack of butter thereafter.  it sounded out deep depths of threat within me ie did the opposite of what was intended, but it was all unconscious.

kids need truth, straightforward, from parents who are rested as possible, in an ideal world.  BPDs need very well rested poeple who have an army of support around them, and being straightforward wtih the BPD in my experience is like handing them a weapon, giftwrapped, and wearing a target t shirt.  i've tried it numerous times.  best thing is get counselling and make the necessary decisions.  notice i'm still struggling with the BPD parent.  i love her more than anyone, and yet it's like a depression causing, tension causing, bad marriage.  thier our most loved poeple, but thier madness, call it what you will, is machine like. 

good luck.  your love will get through somehow to your kids.