I'm done--so angry and tired

[mimi99]

Supervised visit with dBPDdaughter24 did not end well. Long story short, she became angry when I asked if her latest car accident was related to drug use. She has wrecked 3 times in the last 6 months--"foot slipped off the brake". She became hostile which prompted me to end the visit per our guidelines. She refused to let go of gd5, holding onto her while stating over and over that she was giving her a goodbye hug and kiss. After my repeated insistence that she let go of gd she leaned over and said to gd "I'm sorry that mimi is a psycho b---h". In my anger and attempt to dislodge gd from the deathgrip of her mother I inadvertently knocked my hand that was holding my phone against her. She called the police and attempted to have me charged with assault. I have never been so humiliated in my life--sitting in the police station having my rights read to me! I feel that I can no longer trust myself to be around d, as I always seem to say something that triggers her. Poor gd, she loves her mother and wants to see her, but it is so traumatic for her to see us argue. I never say anything bad about her mother to her, but she hears lots of bad things about me and my husband from her mom.

What could I have done differently? Several things. I feel like I react in an almost-BPD-like manner sometimes due to being "shell-shocked". Having her at home with us for the last 6 years has been like living in hell most days. I seem to have lost any resilience and the ability to proceed calmly no matter what. Some days the visits go well, but only if I keep my mouth shut. I don't know that I can keep quiet any longer. The drug use continues, there still is no therapy, she keeps manipulating to get money, etc. Lies, sugary sweet fake demeanor, ridiculous lack of self-awareness, and completely out of touch with reality.

My husband has been out of the visitation picture since she called him a "f----ing a----le" in our own home in front of gd--then did the same grabbing of gd when she was told to leave. Now I have to go out of my way to take gd to a neutral place for visits. Since this happened I realize I can't be around her either, so what is left to do for visits? And although I know what others think doesn't matter, I can't help but think about how she is telling everyone that I "assaulted" her.

I had been getting good at being validating and keeping my mouth shut when there was nothing valid to validate. Is that any way to live?--not commenting on anything because it is all twisted crap? biting your tongue for hours each day? walking on eggshells because you never know what will trigger a rage? I think not--I don't want to live like that any more. I can't--I am not getting any younger and I won't spend the remaining years I have on this earth in torment. I now have the responsibility of raising gd and want her to have a happy, turmoil-free life

But my heart is breaking all over again, as I am reminded of how truly sick she remains. I also see how sick I have become in response to living in chaos for so long. My poor gd will never have her mommy back and I will never have my daughter back.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Eyeamme]

Mimi,

That sounds so frustrating. I am so sorry you are going through this. Do you have support for you?

[mimi99]

Most of my family is understanding and supports me well. I was seeing a therapist for a while, but as I started to feel better I stopped. This site has been invaluable for me. I also recently joined a cross fit gym. The exercise increases endorphins and I feel a sense of accomplishment when I complete a tough workout. Plus, raising a 5-year-old at my age requires strength and stamina!

[Eyeamme]

You are awesome. I am glad you do have support.

[ConnieThomas]

I could have written your post.  I'm even Mimi to my gd15 whom I have been raising since birth.  My BPDD lived with us for 6 yrs after gd15 birth.  It was truly hell.  Now intermittent hell as she comes and goes.  I, too, struggle with behavior in kind when there is altercation.  You are definitely not alone.  This Thanksgiving was the worst in years.  My poor gd15 was devastated by her mother's behavior.  Those terribly cutting words. 

[mggt]

Dear mimi, My heart goes out to you we too have a BPD d and have a gd that is 3 and our d is now pregnant again with baby boy she just moved back home with gd and new bf oh how I pray every day it doesnt turn into chaos and misery again .  Hang in there somehow and hopefully this new gym will help at our age we need all the energy they are so busy the little ones but are well worth it .  Sending you prayers and hope   

[mimi99]

I am in tears reading your kind responses. How thankful I am for you folks who let me know I am not alone in this. It is so devastating, and yet we love our children and always hold out hope that things will be different this time. I have decided that strict NC is the only answer at this time. My ex will be have to be the liaison for visits--hopefully he will enforce the supervision and my strong opinion that gd must never be exposed to d's creepy bf. He is a very creepy and scary guy who believes everything d tells him. I worry that he is the type who might think of  a "permanent solution". We read about these things daily--BPD daughter and bf plot the slaughter of family that opposes them, then BPD says "I never meant for him to do that". We have changed all the locks and the alarm codes. I have started attending church again and will increase my prayers for healing for d and gd, and patience and healing for myself.  I just hope gd will get through life without being too screwed up by her parents. The fact that there is a whole board here dedicated to healing from a BPD parent speaks volumes. Thanks again for your empathy. It makes all the difference.

[GaGrl]

Is it possible to get into a formal supervised visitation situation?

[mimi99]

Is it possible to get into a formal supervised visitation situation?

I plan to ask my attorney about that. The court did not order supervised visitation--it was just "strongly suggested" by the judge.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello mimi99,

I too want to express my sympathy alongside others.

It's just extremely tough to navigate all of the minefields and it's heartbreaking to know that our children whom we desperately want to be healthy and happy, are so ill and making their own children's lives difficult.

You are doing what's best for your gd, and since SHE is a child, she is the priority now.

Is it possible to get into a formal supervised visitation situation?

I plan to ask my attorney about that. The court did not order supervised visitation--it was just "strongly suggested" by the judge.

The latest situation may be a blessing in disguise for you - in light of what happened, you might be able to say: "I want us to all be safe and gd to not have to be put at risk, therefore we are going to go with professionals."

And since the court "strongly suggested" supervised visitations, it shouldn't be a problem to set it up.

I don't know all of the details of how the supervised visitations work, but a friend of mine had them set up for her children. The visits usually happen at the professional facility, the custodial parent (or you in this case) drops off the child before the scheduled visitation time (to avoid altercations in the parking lot), and then the relative comes and visits under the supervision of professionals. When the time is up, visitation ends and again, there is a time-gap for the visitor to leave before the custodial parent comes to pick up the child.

There is usually a fee to be paid for every visit (you could volunteer to pay for it, if you think that your daughter won't be able to afford it).

[mimi99]

Thanks passim-optimist for the info on how supervised visitation usually works. I am certain that my d will not be able to pay for it, since she has only given me $50 in child support since May. She only works part-time in a retail store and has terrible money management skills. A part of me wants to refuse to pay since I have been taking care of her and her child for so many years without any help on her part. But I know my gd loves her mother and should be able to see her. I have emailed my lawyer asking for more information about what to do next.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[GaGrl]

Yes, I really see this as the safest way for your GD to interact with her mother while keeping you separated from your DD.

[raytamtay3]

Mimi, I are so sorry you are going through this. I was called a "crazy b*tch" by my dd16 today. Never in my life have I ever said such things to my mother. Disordered or not, we should not have to tolerate that. And your poor gd. My heart breaks for her. But she is very lucky to have such a caring, wonderful gm to look after her to offer stability, safety and love. You are an amazing woman and I commend you.