Life insurance?

[Aaron1979]

Posted by: livednlearned 

12 out of 14 is 85/15. Even my ex-husband didn't get that, and I had plenty of documentation about his substance abuse. That's roughly 4 days a month  huh

I'm confused why the lawyers would give you such a bleak outlook. Does your wife have documentation to use against you?

Each one of us has to make a choice about how much we can tolerate. If you are done, you are done. If you feel that your current documentation is not enough, and that things will slide back to status quo, and that this may help you strategically in court, knowing that it is best for your kids, that is only something you can answer. Meaning, can you stay longer to collect evidence for a stronger case? Hard question.

When I left, it was crystal clear, no second guessing. There was 100% no way I could stay. However, it took me roughly 4 years to leave, and a full year of planning, including strategizing with a lawyer, documenting what was going on, and putting an exit strategy in place (complete with my own post office box, credit card, storage locker, and private cell phone). I used that year to prepare for my divorce like it was a military operation. Because my ex was a lawyer, and I was psychologically beaten down, I was genuinely afraid he would get full custody and destroy me in court. Sheer anxiety and devotion to my son kept me going.

What turned everything around is that I stayed five steps ahead of him the entire process. I had a goal, I understood how things work where I live, I had a strategy, and tactics.

But that last year was hell on earth.  cry

If your lawyers are giving you a bleak outlook and you know in your heart that the kids need to spend more time with you, then you either need new lawyers, a new goal, a new strategy, or all of the above. Or, you take what you can get and prepare to fight your way back.

When we're depressed, we don't think clearly. We have a harder time making decisions. We do things because we want something to go away, not because they're the best thing for us. The hard thing about family law court is that you need your senses, and you need a plan. You need clear thinking.

That's why we're here. Keep working the boards and use us to help you think clearly about what is best for you. If you need to get your feelings out here and share the distress you feel, by all means do so. You're married to woman with a confounding mental illness who you once loved, who is the mother of your children.

It doesn't get more complex than that. We understand and we're here for you.

Empathy

LnL

She does not have documentation as far as I know.  It's possible that the judges here are really biased against men. 

The way the lawyers explained it to me is that because my wife is with the kids 24/7 that it's really hard to move this court away from what is already existent unless I have a mountain of evidence and/or she ends up getting a job and spends time away from the kids.  It seems the hospitalizations/PPD diagnosis don't matter much. 

The lawyers recommend that I force her to get a job and move closer to my family.  However, I know I can't prod or trick that woman into getting a job.  I've already tried many times.  The most likely reason she's still in the marriage is because she doesn't have to get one.  She's had all kinds of problems with my family in the past when we lived closer and I don't anticipate anything different this time because her thinking has not changed.     

I think I'm really close to leaving now rather than later.  I recognize that sticking around would help build my case.  I want to leave because I can't trust her and I believe that she'll do this again.  It bothers me that I'm still with her.  However I recognize the situation I'm in as well.         

[ForeverDad]

The lawyers recommend that I force her to get a job and move closer to my family.  However, I know I can't prod or trick that woman into getting a job.  I've already tried many times.  The most likely reason she's still in the marriage is because she doesn't have to get one.  She's had all kinds of problems with my family in the past when we lived closer and I don't anticipate anything different this time because her thinking has not changed.

Then this is a request to make to the court, probably repeatedly, that the divorce means she'll have to start working to support herself.  You have no authority in her eyes but court is The Real Authority.  These days raising children is no excuse not to work.  Child support is not intended to allow the parent to avoid work, it's to pay for the extra costs of caring more for the children.  At the least, any support ought to credit her with imputed income that is within her training or capability even if she doesn't work.

My ex was regularly imputed with minimum wage when child support to her was calculated.  This last time, when I got majority time during the school year, the court declined to impute wages or calculate child support to be paid to me, claiming incomes were, ah, the price of being a man.  I've had my income with me every time and she'd never provided any every time but with me able to get CS now... .

However be aware she will likely claim she has no skills or can't find a job.  Sometimes the working parent has paid some spousal support for a short period, maybe up to a couple years, so that the other parent can get job training or career certification.  That's still no guarantee she will get or keep a job, but at least it would remove that excuse.

Oh, and having to care for children is NO excuse to avoid work.  Millions of parents, both genders, juggle work and parenting.  If they can do it, so can your spouse.

[Aaron1979]

When I almost left a few weeks ago she indicated that she couldn't make it on what I would give her and would leave for Japan.  The statement on life insurance and that I know she wants the kids indicates to me that she would fight me on custody of the kids. 

When I'm at home I feel like I don't want to be around her.  When I'm in the car by myself to drive at work it's a relief because I can express how I feel.  Yesterday I cried even though she isn't doing a lot bad to me now. When I think of all the things she did to me around the kids and the fact that she would almost certainly do it again it repulses me. 

[Aaron1979]

Well, I just found a toothpick in my large tofu puff.  I never would have known if I didn't bite on it.  I know that toothpicks in tofu puffs are nothing unusual.  I couldn't eat the rest of my chicken of course.

My wife is acting really good though.  She's doing things around the house, giving me coffee, and watching the kids.  But I found a toothpick in my tofu where I could not see it. 

[ForeverDad]

When I almost left a few weeks ago she indicated that she couldn't make it on what I would give her and would leave for Japan.  The statement on life insurance and that I know she wants the kids indicates to me that she would fight me on custody of the kids.

Well, if you do divorce then you and your spouse will have separate lives. If she wants to move to another city, state, province or country, that's okay, you can't control her life choices.  However... .your consistent position needs to be that YOU are and always will be a deeply involved parent.  That means the children don't move away with her if she moves away.  Of course, most of us found out rather quickly that we are no longer seen as having any authority in the household and without outside support we are somewhat 'stuck' with a spouse who isn't listening to us.  Well, domestic court is The Real Authority an entitled parent cannot ignore or steamroller.  So even if your spouse won't listen to you, she will have to listen to the court when it agrees that you have some level of parental rights too.

Are you aware that some countries are not a signatories to the Hague Convention on Children?  That country has a reputation to give solid preference to their native parents, ignoring non-native parents and not follow other countries' custody orders.  So be sure to get solid legal advice before allowing her to take the children out of the country.

Hmm, we've strayed form your initial question about life insurance.  Would you like to start new topics describing better your additional concerns?