I could use some advice

[stepmomma]

My BPD stepdaughter 19 has been living with us for the past couple of months, she's been doing fine. She is working and for the most part things have been calm. This past week she decided that she wants a new job and wants to be a nanny, she keeps most of her plans a secret from us. She finally told us a few days ago that this one nanny job was across the country. We are in the West and this job is on the east coast. These people offered her the job and she says she is going. We told her that we needed to talk to these people and know who they are before she goes anywhere. We feel that we have a moral obligation to tell this family of her lack of mental stability and her BPD diagnosis and told her such, she is very angry at us about this and says we are ruining this opportunity for her and that all of the issues she has had are none of these people's business. She believes she has made so many changes and this would be good for her.

However, we need to tell this family right? About her issues and diagnosis? What if they decide they are fine with it and still want to offer her the job? What then? We have no family, no friends, no connection out there at all. She WILL mess this up and get into trouble. We don't know what to do? She is pretty headstrong she would just pack up and go, if they still wanted to employ her after knowing of her issues.

Last night as me and my husband were discussing this we just kept saying to each other, we don't know what to do? Any advice would be so appreciated.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Thursday]

Stepmomma-

I too am step-mom to a BPDSD24.

This is such a difficult position you are in. I have given this situation of yours some thought and my first thoughts have been that your SD is 19 and thus you are no longer legally responsible. You are concerned that morally you won't be doing the right thing to keep your daughter's condition a secret from the people who want to have her move with them.

It is true that if she goes across the country and messes up, it will be harder for you to bail her out and while bailing her out, in my opinion, is not necessarily the best course of action, it is so very hard to consider just letting her make her own mistakes.

I do think that the people who are offering to hire her are responsible for their own decisions and if the doo flies into the fan they will have a rude awakening once their eyes are open. For me, that comes under "their responsibility and their problem. However, is it at all possible that your SD will do a good job and there won't be any issues? My SD does very well with other people but at some point she has a downward spiral and those around her become aware that they are dealing with a person who has their issues. Not everyone reacts the same way to her- some folks are actually quite nurturing towards her in a way my husband and I are not.

When my SD was the same age as yours she went into a half-way house (on our dime) and worked their program until after over a year we quit paying for it because she was not making any forward progress towards getting a job and moving out. At that point she had money that she had been given by her grandmother. It was a large sum- over 10,000.00. She quit the pricey half-way house (she was there for addiction problems) and moved into a home with a family she met through her 12 step program. She paid a small amount of rent and was to do some baby sitting and help around the house as well. After about four months in that situation and after she had blown through the money she got from her grandmother she got into a physical fight with one of the children of this family and the family kicked her out.

We have not had her under our roof... .she had messed up a lot since then and she has also grown up a lot and she is currently doing quite well. She lives with a family member and pays her own way (no rent is required of her but she covers everything else including her own insurance, car note, cell phone, food, gasoline, etc. She also helps the family member with driving and other odd jobs) Her living on her own has really been for the best. We have somewhat limited contact with her- we see her a few times a month for dinner and she comes around for holidays. She talks to her dad several times a week on the phone- I'm guessing this is the same for most people with a 24 year old kid living in the same area but who is on their own. Our relationships with her have grown and blossomed and to a large extent been restored from a very low point when she was still living under our roof.

Not trying to go on and on but this new situation could work out. At some point your daughter needs to begin fending for herself. Her diagnoses is hers to share and your interference could go very badly in terms of her resentment.

If the situation doesn't work out, it doesn't and you might have to send her money or drive out to the east coast to fetch her. Talk to her about what you are willing to do for her in advance and stick to it. These are your boundaries and it is best for her to understand what you are concerned about and what you will and won't do for her.

My SD has learned MORE from making her own mistakes than by anything else we have tried with her. Once the ball was mostly in her own court she quit making the terrible decisions she was making when we still legally had charge of her. This was, however, our experience and you will have to weight things out given how she behaves when she is acting out and how much trouble you believe you will encounter.

And also- a lot can happen to change in the interim- I always try to remind myself of this when I am filled with fear and trepidation over what SD may and might not do!

Best of luck- I'll check back in to see who chimes in since I don't really look around here much anymore- yes- my SD is really doing THAT well! (employed at same place for 2 years- she just got employee of the month last week!)

Thursday

[stepmomma]

Thank you Thursday for your thoughtful response. I've shared it will my husband, while we are concerned and worried... .it is possible for her to do a good job. She has many good qualities and can work hard when she wants to. It is possible that she won't have any serious issues. You have given us sound advice in regards to disclosing her diagnosis, thanks for being a calm voice of reason as we try to figure this out. She was only diagnosed in the past year and we are still very overwhelmed by it all.

I shared your post with my husband and we agreed we will discuss boundaries with her and ask to skype with this family so we have at least met them in some capacity before she leaves (without disclosing her diagnosis) and go from there.

If anyone else has any additional thoughts please feel free to post.

[Thursday]

stepmomma-

I'm glad you found my comments helpful- it is so hard to know that advice given is  appropriate to another's situation.

I do believe that as our BPD kids become adult it is important to take that step back that allows them to suffer their own consequences. I know my SD often made the same mistakes more than once but so long as she had us running interference for her she really couldn't connect the dots. Since she has a tendency to blame others it is of vital importance for her to make her mistakes and to understand that she got her self into the "jam" under her own steam. She might think it is a fluke and make the same mistake again. When the situation blows up the same way more than once she slowly begins to get it.

I mentioned the large sum of money her grandmother gave her. Only now, five years later are we hearing how she spent the money! She is still frivolous with her own money but she KNOWS there isn't anything coming to her from us. Her grandmother was shocked to learn she had spent the money given within a four month time frame and she also will not give her money again. So now, when she is in a jam financially she understands exactly how she got there and I see her making changes. Now she will often say, "Oh, I can't afford that right now." And for this particular over-spending young woman that is an amazingly great thing to hear!

Despite the fact that she now sometimes shares things with us that she did in the past she is often still secretive with us. She feels to a certain extent that she protects us from her reality and also she has a strong desire to avoid our judgment. We have learned much about validating her without giving her lectures.

The sad part of this is that it keeps us ... .apart. It keeps us from being as connected with her as seems normal and fitting as her parents. This is a harsh price to pay. However, until we bridge a lot of the gaps that her previous out of control behavior has created between us, this is the separation that keeps her healthy. We are hopeful for even more repair.

Any co-dependence is toxic for my SD and that has taken some time to learn and to embrace and to avoid.

I have another bio-daughter. She doesn't have the same problems in her life as my SD which is not to say that she is perfect or issue free. Our closeness is enhanced by what probably IS an over-involvement in her life. She can stand up for herself- she can sort it out. SD simply can't.

I don't know how long you have been in your SD's life. I have found that the fact that I came into her life when she was a young teen has helped. My husband, previously probably the worst enabler EVER eventually began to hear me when I spoke to him about what I was seeing. We got help- therapists, Al-anon 12 step meetings and best of all, a very adept, caring, intuitive and experienced facilitator at the IOP SD attended when we first found out she was an addict. He was very no-nonsense and was able to reach into my husband's chest and grab his heart right where and when it counted. I believe his exact words were, "If you don't find a way to get her out from under your roof she will be dead in less than a year."

We were at a desperate point then- perhaps you and your husband can avoid further descent into a bad place for your daughter. All of the tools to the right can help guide you. The Lessons are just as important- be aware of her emotional limitations, be aware that she will push to be free of your control and imput. Find those boundaries and COMMUNICATE THEM to her.

Again, best to you and your family. It can get better.

Thursday

[BB_YogaGirl]

I just want to say THANK you Thursday. Your wisdom is worth thousands in therapy. My daughter is 17 and I've been fretting over her turning 18 and losing control (yep that's probably MY issue). I will save and retread your advice. She does need to be responsible for her own actions, isn't that how we all learn and grow? Even today:) Thank you so much for sharing your success and tribulations along the way.