Representing herself

[SES]

She won't agree childcare arrangements for Christmas.  I have given ultimatum via lawyer,  to agree by Monday or I'll start legal proceedings.   Her response... .she ditched her lawyer and now intends to represent herself.  Not sure what it means.  Either ran out of money, fell out with lawyer, or part of her BPD.  I'm not sure if it's a good or bad thing.  It's possible her lawyer reined her in a little.  More recenty my lawyer pointed out that her 100 texts over two days, mostly abuse and threats, was harassment. Anyone had similar experience? 

[livednlearned]

My ex represented himself.

He also sent excessive emails, messages, texts, voicemails.

It worked against him. He even seemed to experience psychosis in court   

When there is not a lawyer reigning them in, the judge sees more clearly that something is not right. It can be a lot like watching a car accident. You want to look away, but can't.

Some judges seem to see that there is something wrong, and focus on what's best for the kids, and also try to give the parent who is struggling first, second, third, and fourth chances.

So it can be good news that she is representing herself, and it can also mean that the case drags on through court more than you like.

[bravhart1]

eight attorneys in three years, shes now pro per, which unfortunately is working in her favor as the judge asked to see financials (shes crying poor) but we werent in court for financial matters and its tricky to remind the judge hes over stepping.

she makes an amazing victim, she should be in hollywood. judge does seem to fall for her act. but having said that, at least our judge is also mind bogglingly afraid to make any decision in cases without a committee of people telling him what to say. and the mediator seems to be on to her, so we have a chance in December to be heard by a level headed professional, who has been on to her hyjinks in the past.

its very hard to not look like the perpetrator when they show up without counsel, our attorney is very leary of pushing her in front of the judge.

but our judge does not seem to be reading anything we have presented, just what is said in open court, and while our attorney is minding his p's and q's shes talking over eveyone, so that kind of sucks.

im just glad she isnt trying to get an attorney and  make us pay for him too, shes done that in the past... .

[Panda39]

My SO's uBPDxw represented herself at the divorce trial but by then my SO had run out of money for an attorney so he represented himself in court also... .level playing field in terms of no lawyers.  Not level in the presenting a case department my SO put on a very good case presented evidence and the CE sided with him.  My SO came away with primary custody, Education decision making, Medical decision making, and Dental decision making in terms of the kids and had to pay alimony for 5 years (he had already been paying her for 2 years so it is a total of 7 years - they were married 17... .19 if you count the separation).

In our case I don't think the judge fell for the "I'm a victim... .Poor... .Poor... .Pitiful Me!" stuff.  He saw her for what the evidence showed a neglectful mother.

So when it was all said and done the judge had set up a parallel parenting arrangement (we didn't even know what that was back then) In other words mom and dad had separate responsibilities... .dad got the biggies.

Panda39

[bravhart1]

It does bring up a really good point though Panda, if she's pro per, then might it be better to go in alone too?

Have attorney on sidelines giving advice and helping with paperwork, and showing up as if you ran out of money too? We are very nearly there with our case, DH is strongly in favor of ditching attorney, I'm too afraid we are too close to finish line to risk blowing it now.

Thoughts on going it alone (intentionally) if other side is?

[Panda39]

It does bring up a really good point though Panda, if she's pro per, then might it be better to go in alone too?

Have attorney on sidelines giving advice and helping with paperwork, and showing up as if you ran out of money too? We are very nearly there with our case, DH is strongly in favor of ditching attorney, I'm too afraid we are too close to finish line to risk blowing it now.

Thoughts on going it alone (intentionally) if other side is?

I think if he had, had a choice at the time my SO would have preferred to have an attorney... .a professional to represent him. There was too much at stake. 

[ttct]

I think they relish this idea- they experience personality conflict with council, and being without heightens the victim image. In my case, it is peculiar because my wife's father is paying for my attorney- she is claiming that I used joint funds to pay the attorney- while being aware that her father is paying, which makes her more mad, and feel more like a victim of a conspiracy against her- a male conspiracy- we are all "haters"... .I think that if the opportunity arises the fact that you have council for the benefit of your children and do not know why she does not is tabled. I am curious about the occurrence of these people folding under pressure? Or in my case, her having a panic or anxiety attack or raging.

[ttct]

like some other's said- use her anger against her- I realized a tactic by which I asked that she refer all requests/accusations to my attorney so that he could council me and provide objective response, going as far as having her start to believe he was working for both of us toward an agreement- so she starts making demands of him, as she does me- and becomes angry when he is unresponsive to her... I continue to encourage her to contact him, and she feels he is uninvolved because he is not helping her. Ultimately she puts her guard down because she sees him as an inactive adversary, and sometimes comments- has he not been paid? is he not working for you anymore? I carefully vacillate between having her on the defensive and being agreeable as it aids the process, and in this case, the BPD mind, as acute as it can be seems to have little short term emotional memory. Sadly, when it involves another's wellbeing, you need to understand how to navigate the individual's responses to derive the desired outcome. I am currently at the point where I have realized that trying to refute information before decisions are made is a maddening circle, and that as much as court has the opportunity to go either way, holding your cards close, smiling, and making last- minute offers trying to avoid trial may be the only route.

[SES]

Thanks everyone.

Christmas holidays has been a difficult negotiation.  Starting with my suggestion, which was knocked back.  She had them.last Christmas,  so i wanted them this year.  She followed with weeks of numerous suggestions, all involving her having them for Christmas.  Including her having them for Christmas week, but working, and me paying her childcare!  In the end I suggested she should have them for Christmas... .Seemed like the practical solution. She then declined, offering me Christmas with the kids.  I accepted.   She then sent me loads of abuse! 

She totalled her car today. She sent me some texts saying that she had to give next of kin details, and it made her realise what she had done over the last year.  Perhaps a moment of clarity... .probably not... .afterall,  it is only a question of time until the next drama,  allegation or abuse.

[Thunderstruck]

Thanks everyone.

Christmas holidays has been a difficult negotiation.  Starting with my suggestion, which was knocked back.  She had them.last Christmas,  so i wanted them this year.  She followed with weeks of numerous suggestions, all involving her having them for Christmas.  Including her having them for Christmas week, but working, and me paying her childcare!  In the end I suggested she should have them for Christmas... .Seemed like the practical solution. She then declined, offering me Christmas with the kids.  I accepted.   She then sent me loads of abuse! 

She totalled her car today. She sent me some texts saying that she had to give next of kin details, and it made her realise what she had done over the last year.  Perhaps a moment of clarity... .probably not... .afterall,  it is only a question of time until the next drama,  allegation or abuse.

Ha, I think they do that just to keep the drama. Our holiday negotiations with uBPDbm always go like that. She wants everything and refuses to negotiate. She'll pick the exact opposite schedule of what we proposed. Then in the end (right before court) she always folds.

Our uBPDbm has been pro se the entire time. At first I think the judge gave her a little more leniency because she was representing herself. However, our L did a few things to "poke the bear" and she would act out in court which peeved the judge. I think she also lost a lot of credit with the judge when she called our calculated child support figure (based on our state's law) a "slap in the face" and there was no way a poor single mother could raise her child on that amount and she demanded 10X more (wah wah, I'm so poor).