group sports

[Godslove]

I and J6 expressed about soccer multiple times and his dad agreed before he moved to five min. away from mine a month ago with his GF and her son. Today I sent email to soon to be ex I hope about J6' s soccer since games are during weekends.

my email-->

J(soon to be 7) really wants to do soccer. check this class at park and recreation website (I linked) It says every Sunday. Otherwise, **league is popular as a long run. Check it out and let me know which one you like better. Thanks.

His email--> I have joined the YMCA near my house and would like to enroll the kids in a program there since I get a discount. They have everything from Karate to Rock Climbing to Swimming lessons. It would be great if we could find something that I can take them to during the week so I get to spend more time with them. . Are you willing to allow me time with the kids during the week?

My email--> What J really wants to do is Soccer. You know he has been talking about soccer for a while. Group sports is good for kids who are going through difficult time and building up team work. YMCA does not have soccer. J is getting too old to be a beginner if he doesn't start now. Are you willing to take J on Sunday games during your visitation?

Hi email--> I would like to do something with both kids that I am a part of beyond just the days I have them.

I stopped the email cause I know it will go on and on about him getting more time with kids to drop them every morning before school, etc. I am upset to learn he and probably his GF got the membership when he is not paying his portion of after activities or kids counselings. He is claiming he is short on money. He is asking -$700 discount from guide line CS. I left the single house and still live in an apartment with kids. This place he got with his GF near my place is expensive also. He still has the single house that he is renting. He even told me that is one of the reasons he doesn't have money but he loves the kids so much so he had to move. In his mind he can't live in an apartment though because he can not downsize.  

Then, just like any other conversation, it is so off the point. I was talking about soccer our son wants and he is talking about doing something with both kids during the week so he can spend more time with them. It makes me regret why did I even bother to co-parent? This must mean he is saying no to Sunday games, right? He has too many drinking parties to take kids around during his visitation and don't I know from a long marriage that is his number one priority.

During mediation we talked about him calling kids once a week, he said he will, even set a time and date. never did. In private conversation we talked about him taking the kids out for dinner once a week. He said that is too much to coordinate even though we set up the time and day. Now we have a settlement in ten days. This is something he needs to bring it up during that time. I assume he does not want to make it official since he can not commit. With me, he wants to get more time, more days to feel empowered. Probably I will end up dragging both kids to a lesson they don't want if I agree.

Now my problem still remains. The next one starting April I already enrolled because it has one weekday practice and weekend games. I think even though J misses every other weekend games, he can still run around with other kids plenty of times. This one starting Jan. is only on Sundays in door. So he will be missing half of it. What do you do if the person is not willing to take kids to activities during their visitation? I understand most group sports have weekends games.

[Turkish]

It's sad because it seems that whatever you do, your son will get caught in the middle. If his dad refuses to take him on his weekends, that will probably be hurtful. Can you deal? You already signed him up for soccer. He is free to sign him up for whatever class at The Y. If something falls on you day (not days), then you're willing to take him. Propose it as a win-win, without saying that. Focus it on what both of you can do for what's best for your son, Of course,  your son being forced to sign up for something he doesn't want to do might be problematic. if he gets his first choice of soccer, he may he ameanable to Dad's offering. I wouldn't address his comments about wanting more time.

If this seems like too much due to dad's other issues, then keep it simple. Take him on your weekends and let his dad handle being a parent on his time.

[scraps66]

I've been dealing with the situation of mom creating activities that are only done while under her care.  Taking this further, mom restricts what I can do while having the kids.  She enrolls S11 in viola lessons, private lessons.  However when I ask for the instructors contact information so I can have the lessons at my house, she won't provide. 

The overall issue is consistency.  The child should really be able to do the same thing at either house.  I don't think that only doing things while on mom's time, and then doing different things while on dad's time can work.  For the child.  Also, it isn't very practical to assume that the child can do soccer only with mom, or do the y activities while only with Dad.  I don't think that has a good ending for the child.

Dad is just be an obstructionist with not going along with what mom wants to do, and, this is a level of control as well.  Basically "if I can't get what I want no one's getting what they want" and including the child. 

I just think that doing separate activities, especially group sports, at both households almost creates the opportunity for alienation.  Dad can play the Y activities against soccer. 

In my situation this has lead to our S11 actually only doing things while with mom, and doing very little with dad.  He resists doing his homework, he is not interested in riding his bike while with me, resists eating the food I cook, etc.  All of these things he does while at mom's.

I don't know the solution, maybe offer to provide the transportation for soccer while with dad. Group sports are great things for kids of BPs to get involved with because it exposes the child to various other personalities and helps the child work as a team.   

[Godslove]

Thanks for the advise. I used to always email asking his opinion about possible activities or summer camp kids are interested BEFORE I enrolled. I had all kids of responses from no response to I don't have money then going to all inclusive overseas vacation with his GF, let's revisit took three months till the activities no more available, I realized after reasonable effort, I can enroll them and I am not going to jail for sending the kids they want. I started volunteering at places so that kids tuition can be free and the dad would not have any objection for it. I still notice him activities but no more asking. It is frustrating... .something to about the win/win situation... Thanks.