Hi jimmy99,
I am sorry that you are going through such a tough time. I understand how you can be hard on yourself not knowing about BPD beforehand. I was fully aware of my boyfriend's mental health history and did not think that he suffers from BPD.
I dated my ex for a little over a year and she hid the fact that she had BPD. She woukd talk about her bad childhood and say she was damaged. She would ask why I love her the way I do. She'd say it's hard for her to understand why I love her. She'd frequently ask if I was going to break up with her.
This is almost verbatim what my boyfriend has said to me in the past. PwBPD tend to have poor self-esteem and self-loathing. The origin of that comes from childhood. PwBPD tend to be raised in environments where they were invalidated. Invalidating caretakers have a tendency to reinforce the suppression of emotions, (telling the child to stop crying), an averse reaction to the child's emotions (yelling at the child for having an emotion), ignoring the child's emotions, etc. Many times in an invalidating environment, there are instances of verbal abuse, poor parenting, and shaming of the child. One of the core emotions for poor self-esteem/self-loathing is shame or a feeling of inadequacy. A person who has so much shame believes that they are unworthy or unlovable. One of the biggest fears for someone who suffers from shame is for another person to see their imperfections and flaws. Many times a person will put up a façade, while underneath they are hurting inside.
She wanted me to move in with her. As I said in another thread she was having episodes where she would panic when she was alone at home. At the time I didn't understand it. I didn't know she had a mental illness. I now realize that her isolation was extremely traumatic for her. I don't know the extent of the trauma. She may have even lost touch with reality when having these episodes. Sometimes I'd get a text that she can't stay in her apartment one more minute and she'd drive the two hours to me.
Being alone is tough for someone who has abandonment fears. Abandonment fears are one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD. For a person who has a very hard time controlling their intense emotions, has so much shame/guilt/self-loathing, and engages in impulsive or avoidance behaviors, being by themselves can be a living nightmare. Then there is the concept of object permanence. PwBPD can issues with object permanence (out of sight, out of mind). It is like they believe once you not physically present, you don't exist or won't come back.
Abandonment fears are very real for someone who suffers from them. I have struggled with abandonment fears for the majority of my life. Once the feelings associated with abandonment emerge, it is almost an instinctual response for survival. You become overwhelmed with anxiety. I have been really needy and clingy when this has happened in the past.
I think she was afraid to discuss her mental illness with me because if the fear I'd reject and abandon her. Yet ae t the same time she wanted me to move in where I'd no dobut find out the her emotional issues were much more than what I perceived them to be.
It is a catch-22. Underneath all the maladaptive behavior, a pwBPD really just wants to be understood and loved. On the other hand, they are afraid of you seeing how "damaged" they are because that may mean you will leave them. The BPD label is very stigmatizing.
My boyfriend will list all of the diagnostic criteria for BPD that pertain to him, told me that he was diagnosed with a personality disorder, tells me that he is Bipolar type II, but never mentions BPD. I understand why he does not tell me because the disorder has a bad stigma attached to it. When the disorder is likened to sociopathic and psychopathic behavior, it is understandable.
I assume her ex knows about her BPD and that now that he's there it removes her greatest fears. He won't ever leave her and he'll be there every night.
Abandonment fears really do not go away without therapy, they can be assuaged for brief amounts of time.
Afterwards she told me that she loves me so much she has to force herself to stop thinking of me but that she stands by her decision. She says I didn't listen to her desperate cries.
But, if I knew about her BPD I woukd have understood that the cries were desperate.
You cannot be held accountable for her behavior and nor can you save her. She is the only one that can save herself. You did not know about her illness because she did not disclose that to you. Unless you are telepathic, there was no way for you to know. Essentially, it is her not taking responsibility for her behavior and making you feel guilty through projection.
Do you feel responsible for what happened?
