I am stuck.

[Eyeamme]

It is going on 2.5 months since I have had contact with my uBPD 34 yo daughter. I am struggling not talking to her and my grandsons. I went NC after I felt she was being abusive. I responded in loving way and it was rejected. Things were so twisted that I had to walk away. My question is this... .I was told that I was no longer welcomed into her families life. I finally believe her. Part of me thinks as her mom I am responsible to keep trying to contact her after this long. Should I write? I was told I would not hear from her again.

I hurt so badly missing her and my sil and grandsons. The way she has treated me for 30 years has been awful. I am coming to terms with my part in it all. I am also coming to terms that I had a dysfunctional childhood. I can't stop crying. I am not a crier and I can't stop crying. I also can not motivate myself to do anything other than wallow. I feel sick.

How does one get through this? How do I survive this? My best wasn't good enough. That is what she told me. How can this all have turned out this way?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Hi Eye.  I'm so sorry you are hurting. You put up a boundary and your DD chose to walk away rather than respect that boundary.  You did nothing wrong in trying to protect yourself from the abuse and had every right to do so.

I know especially around the holidays it must be even more hurtful to not be able see your DD and her family.  I don't see any harm in sending them an Xmas card (if you celebrate), or even just a regular card saying you are thinking of them... .  At the very least it will make you feel better that you extended the olive branch. It's up to her if she wants to accept it.  But you did no wrong in sticking to your boundary as you deserve respect.  Hang in there. 

[Eyeamme]

Thanks Raytamtay. I need to get a grip. I will be sending Xmas gifts to the boys. She may or may not give it to them but that is on her.

[lbjnltx]

Thanks Raytamtay. I need to get a grip. I will be sending Xmas gifts to the boys. She may or may not give it to them but that is on her.

Focus on what you can do without expectations from her.  That's all you really can do as you have no control over what she does or doesn't do.

Has she set a boundary of no contact with you?

[Eyeamme]

The whole explosion was so weird that I just stopped responding and she just kept going. I am scared of her. She twists everything around until I believe it was my fault. I have tried EVERY way I know to have a relationship with her. She ran away at 17. She called me when she was 19 and let me back into her life. My husband and I have been there for everything for her. I knew that the first time I held a boundary that I would be knocked out of her and the kids life. This all started because we were visiting her and she was so mean to us something in me snapped. At the time I didn't realize that she had BPD.

The thing is I am terrified of her. How can a mom be so terrified of her own daughter? She has blamed me for not ever being there for her and it breaks my heart. To tell you the truth I think I have PTSD and she seems happier without me in her life. With all my heart I believe that it makes her feel better about herself to deny that her father (my x) and I ever did anything for her. She seems to think she raised herself.

This sounds horrible to say but I feel like putting an Ad out for a daughter and grandkids. I have so much to give.

[lbjnltx]

I can see how you could have PTSD.

I know I was well on my way to developing an anxiety disorder when my d was in the throws of BPD rages on a daily basis... .the fears are real!

Have you seen this info on rageaphobia?

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=119083.0

[thefixermom]

My D38 would always treat my boundaries that way, too, with an "I'll show you... ." reaction and typically I would get afraid and recant because I just needed to have her in my life. Finally, the discord escalated till I reached the point where I saw the need to change and I got pretty good at practicing loving detachment and day it became real for me and I didn't have to practice it any more... .it embodied me and I stopped reacting even in my head, I stopped taking anything personally and stopped questioning myself.  There were no buttons for her to push any more. But like you, I felt I had so much to give and since she would not let me in, I started extending my warmth to others.  I rescued a young man from an abusive situation,  befriended a young family with children, reconnected with some nieces and nephews from my previous marriage, and helped a hopeless friend who had been in a serious accident get approved for disability income and medical benefits.  Nothing will take the place of my beloved daughter, but these other meaningful human relationships brought love and connection back into my life and helped me a great deal to stay far away from the emotional mire had entrapped me in the past.  I believe that when one of us heals, there is more opportunity for the other to heal, too.  My D has re-entered my life in a more balanced way.  She will still not let herself become close to me but she now self-moderates her manner of speaking to me and we have some pleasant neutral conversations.  I wonder if when I de-energized myself from her turmoil it somehow gave her space to want to be done with it, too.  I don't know... .it just sort of feels that way. And it did not happen overnight.  I am hopeful that as time goes on we can become more and more comfortable with regular communication.   She wished me Happy Birthday this month.  First time in several years that she even acknowledged my birthday.  I think it is good that you upheld your boundary.  Give it time. Stay peaceful, find the ways to channel your love to a world that sorely needs it and people who will appreciate and return it and allow it to multiply. xoxo  

[Eyeamme]

I am so grateful. I am grateful for all of you. I don't know what I would do if you weren't here. Thank you.

[thisworld]

Dear Eyeamme,

How are you? Are you feeling any better?

Please don't judge yourself with what your daughter tells you or how she reacts to you. I was the partner of a BPD male and his mother is an older, good friend of mine from a political organization. She is this perfectly lovable woman who has had to go NC with my ex to be able to preserve her very basic health because it had started to damage her physical health as well as psychological. Nothing got through my ex. This isn't about you, this is about the disorder. You as a mother have probably done whatever you could. Only, she is not at a place in herself to recognize this at the moment. This isn't about what you did or didn't. And, actually, you as a human being are every piece as valuable as your daughter on this planet. If they don't do what is good for them, your exhaustion will do nothing to change this. We can only live our lives with peace and dignity and hope that they join us on the way. This disorder turns loving ones into a shadow of themselves. It is painful to be perceived only partially by the person who has BPD. My partner's mother experienced this, I experienced this. And sometimes we somehow accept this as well. This is unfair to us. You are not just her mother. You are Eyeamme, a woman with so many other aspects of your personality that you have been neglecting for a long time. You can take some beautiful things from the world and you can give beautiful things to the world. Let the world get to know you a little bit, will you? Take something from it and gve something to it. Maybe it's easier to survive like that.

Will be thinking about you

[Eyeamme]

Thank you so much thisworld. I am hanging in there. I am getting to know me. Who the