Repulsion, acceptance but no closure...

[troisette]

I'm having a really rough day today, it's made worse by a family problem that's linking with childhood FOO stuff. So latent reactions and emotions are coming to the surface.

I am about 12 weeks no contact after a relationship of just over a year. I have accepted that the relationship is over and do not want a reconciliation. I don't long for his touch, or his company. There are elements of his physicality that I now find repulsive (not all) and when I remember his charm, I find it slightly creepy.

But I can't detach. He's in my brain all the time. I am guilty of hoping that he is not happy, I feel compassion for him but don't wish him happiness. I feel anger that he is skillfully able to con people with his Mr Nice Guy,  friend to everyone act, adept at disguising his BPD, whilst being so selfish, controlling and undermining in private. I know this is not only my experience, he once told me that his ex wife told him "everyone thinks you're so nice but I know the real you", unfortunately so do I now.

This is my stuff I know. I need to work through it, it's rooted in FOO probs but it's driving me nuts having him on my mind when I don't want to be with him.

Any comments based on your personal experiences would be gratefully received. I've been reading on the site, if there are any specific articles that you think might help, please point me in their direction.

Thanks.

[C.Stein]

I'm a little further out than you at 4 months and my ex is on my mind pretty much all the time.  The good thing is the emotional hurricane that I was feeling for months has quieted somewhat.  Still dealing with the damned wet eyes a lot.  Wish that would stop already! 

Some days are better than others but not by much.  One thing that has helped me tremendously is the exercise I have been doing here on constructing a "reaching out" letter (not gonna call it reconciliation letter at this point).  It has really help me see the relationship and my ex with more clarity.  When I started those threads I was much more unstable emotionally.

Now about a week later I feel more stable as a result.  I think part of what has helped me was to seriously consider throwing myself back into the fire.  It forced me to look at myself and her without the rose colored glasses.  I'm not saying this will help you just that it helped me get the emotions more under control.

woohoo? 

[troisette]

Thanks C.Stein, I seem to be following in your footsteps, someway behind you!

What do you mean by a "reaching out" letter? The type you write and throw away, or do you intend sending it?

I definitely want no contact in any form, either way. I know how bad for me he is. But there he is, squatting in my brain... .

"Emotional hurricane" is a good term, that's what it felt like for the first three months. Calming down when I instigated no contact. It's a safer place for me, I would not wish to revisit the hell of the immediate aftermath of the break up.

I went through the denial and fantasies of reconciliation but reached understanding that it would be disastrous to get back together. I'm now just stuck with him in my brain.

It tees me off to know that his idealised younger son describes him as a control freak, his ex wife knows what he's like and his devalued elder son has the most haunted, terrible look in his eye and has nc with him. Yet his friends around here think he's marvellous. They don't get so close.

[thisworld]

Troisette hi,

I think you actually have closure, that is a firm answer to a question. It's obvious that you have answered your questions about this guy (he isn't relationship material for you), some of your feelings have changed (you find him repulsive) but you haven't completely detached. That is very understandable and it will pass. You can treat this the way you would treat an obsession: not fighting back (obsession fights back if you try to suppress with) but let it exist in your head while you are consciously choosing to do something else. Many people with obsessions think that if these ideas are produced by our brains at a particular time, that's all the mind can do at that time. This is not so. You can say to yourself "Hey, brain, you are producing these ideas and feelings but I am the boss here and I am choosing to carry on with what I'm doing, thank you". This may work if you concentrate and say it, rather than just parroting without feeling it every time. Let the brain do its stuff but go on with your stuff. Obsessive thought should wane in a bit. It's like practicing mindfulness in your brain. If you are too taxed to do this, you may choose to distract yourself with a comfortable activity. Likewise, you can choose to design a time to think about this guy during your day. Say, from 8 to 8:40 in the evening. If thoughts come, say to yourself that you're delaying them for now and you'll think about him from 8 to 8:40. Accept but delay. When your designed time comes, obsess as much as you can. Not just about good things though, reasons why you don't like him etc. All his dirt. You can make a list and use it. But you have to fill that time. You can't say "oh, I've obsessed enough, I'm better now". You have to fill that time. Soon, you should be bored  

These are some common CBT tips for obsession. They are effective for a lot of people when used repetitively. I hope they help.

Also, I don't think this is only FOO. As far as I know, this guy approached you recently with your pendant. You got uncomfortable. That may have triggered this.

Best,      

[C.Stein]

What do you mean by a "reaching out" letter? The type you write and throw away, or do you intend sending it?

Thinking about sending it ... .although I have struggled with the content of such a message and if I even want to send anything.

Part 1: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287048.0;all

Part 2: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287182.0;all

Part 3: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287218.0;all

Part 4: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=287324.0;all

I definitely want no contact in any form, either way. I know how bad for me he is. But there he is, squatting in my brain... .

You don't need to contact, just the exercise of thinking about it and working through it has helped me.

He will probably be squatting in your mind for a while.  It's ok, he was meaningful to you at one point in time.  When you think of him immediately try to think of something else.  The thought of him is still there you just don't focus on it.  Sometimes I just try to zone out ... .kinda like on the spot meditation.  I just detach my mind from all thoughts for a few moments.   That helps keep me grounded when the din inside my head is driving me crazy.

I too still feel very much attached to my ex ... .like I am just going to go to her house and everything will be normal.  It was much worse about a month ago, a little better now.  I don't feel as attached to her as I used to, but it is still there and very strong at times.

[once removed]

i think c stein has the right idea. not all rumination, anger, grieving, etc has to be unhealthy or counter productive. i wrote in my journal like a mad man, "connecting" all kinds of wild and possibly unrelated thoughts... .eventually my mind and psyche arrived at a very they were satisfied with. of course at a point, it can keep us stuck. i remember when i was going through anger, it felt a lot better than misery and pining for her, but it also felt so stifling. i couldnt do anything with my anger, i had nowhere to put it. at some point i did need to find counter thoughts, and/or shut it off if temporarily.

you may find this helpful, troisette: PERSPECTIVES: Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

[steelwork]

Hi Troisette,

I am about a year out from the end of the relationship and (other than a quick, impersonal, polite exchange of emails on a bit of housekeeping) on month 9 of no contact. I still think of him every day, often, and would not say I'm not obsessing--though, like you, I am sure I would not want him back.

I really don't think in my case it's a good idea to "stuff" my feelings anymore, so I do try to get them out. I have a friend who lets me send him emails written to my ex. Sometimes they're sad, sometimes loving, sometimes angry and bitter, sometimes they're clinical. Sometimes I replay old conversations with him.

Is it helping? I don't know. But it's better than 1. writing to my ex; 2. stuffing my feelings inside.

[steelwork]

Sometimes I just try to zone out ... .kinda like on the spot meditation.  I just detach my mind from all thoughts for a few moments.   That helps keep me grounded when the din inside my head is driving me crazy.

Yeah, I've been meditating--trying to keep a practice of 20 minutes a day (not succeeding but trying)--which does help me "surround" the thoughts when they are becoming painful. I have less luck quashing the thoughts, but if you have some practice with mindfulness you can isolate them and take perspective on them so they have less power to drag you down/cause physical and mental stress.

[troisette]

Thank you everyone for your helpful comments. And thanks for the CBT tips this world. I found myself practising them last evening. And also thanks for directing me to that useful article once removed. When I read it I suddenly remembered a long-forgotten technique: to imagine that you are looking at the person through the wrong end of a telescope. They become miniaturised and seem a long way distant.

Thanks again, I'm grateful for all of your comments.

[SummerStorm]

I haven't seen mine for 6 months, but she's recycled our friendship twice since then, with the most recent time being two weeks ago.  Each time she leaves, it gets a little easier.  I basically expect it to happen, so it really doesn't surprise me anymore when it does happen. 

I still think about her every day, but I'm not obsessively trying to think of ways to contact her like I was months ago.  She blocked me from everything, and at some point, she'll probably unblock me.  That's just what she does. 

[SandWitch]

But I can't detach. He's in my brain all the time. I am guilty of hoping that he is not happy, I feel compassion for him but don't wish him happiness. I feel anger that he is skillfully able to con people with his Mr Nice Guy,  friend to everyone act, adept at disguising his BPD, whilst being so selfish, controlling and undermining in private. I know this is not only my experience, he once told me that his ex wife told him "everyone thinks you're so nice but I know the real you", unfortunately so do I now.

Right there with you! Reached out to mine after a close friend took his life last week. Getting the push/pull response.   He proposed reconcile but now is busy today during the one time I am available.    Guess that speaks volumes! Thing is I know where my priorities lie in a relationship and that I am worth being a priority! I need to accept that he does not feel that way and move on.  What a wasted opportunity.  Someday I will meet someone who wants to hop off the fence and dance in the meadow.  :'(

troisette, When you find the right eviction notice please share!

[troisette]

Hello SandWitch

I went out for lunch with a friend today. On the way to the pub I saw a car drive past, I'm fairly sure that it was my ex's. It discombobulated me; but, following advice on another thread I thought "okay, it may be you, what are you thinking? but I am also thinking about my lunch. Sit alongside that... ." and I continued on my way, a bit wobbly but intent on enjoying the lunch regardless of my wobblies. When I got to the pub and met my friend, by chance there was a couple there who, by happenstance, have shared professional history. I don't know them well but they invited us to join them. We chatted about shared history; I realised that such a conversation would not have been possible with ex. He would have been competitive and uncomfortable, even though it was his world as well. After lunch they left and we were left in the pub; this is a new friend who I don't know that well and I am healthily boundaried. Music starts and friend and I have a drink at the bar. The music is contagious, the atmosphere is good. No feeling of walking on eggshells ... .just in case. People are dancing and friend dances with me. It feels different to ex. He always had his set moves, I had to comply. I love dancing but realised, when dancing with friend, that I did not feel the constraints that I felt with ex. I was relaxed and having fun without having to comply with tacit rules.

The upshot is that I realised the unspoken rules I had adhered to with ex. Blinkering myself to his need to be the centre of attention. enjoying the crumbs that were given to me.

I realised that there is fun to be had outside the narrow world that had become my normality with my ex. That I was able to be relaxed and myself, without fear of  subtle denigration if I deviated from his mores. That I was being valued by my friend, and others, just for being who I am. Not having to conform to a template made for me for the comfort of my ex.

A sense of liberation; it's okay to be me. I was shocked at how I had been brainwashed, and how I had complied to ex's requirements. I rediscovered a part of me that had been submerged.

We spend so much time thinking about them, their illness, we risk losing sight of who we are. It was refreshing to find me, that I'm still there despite all of my energy expended on thinking about him, how I could make it right for him.

It allowed another perspective. This may not last, there may be other hurdles to surmount. But I got a glimpse of life not dominated by BPD, even if it was only for a few hours. I will try to use it as reference point if I am submerged in the craziness again.

I hope this makes sense; what I am trying to convey is that there is another world, not dominated by the strangeness of BPD and we can find it, if we open our minds and lives to it.

Yes, if he hasn't got time for you in your crisis, what does it say about him? And are crumbs of his attention enough for you? I'd say not... .

[SandWitch]

The upshot is that I realised the unspoken rules I had adhered to with ex. Blinkering myself to his need to be the centre of attention. enjoying the crumbs that were given to me.

I realised that there is fun to be had outside the narrow world that had become my normality with my ex. That I was able to be relaxed and myself, without fear of  subtle denigration if I deviated from his mores. That I was being valued by my friend, and others, just for being who I am. Not having to conform to a template made for me for the comfort of my ex.

A sense of liberation; it's okay to be me. I was shocked at how I had been brainwashed, and how I had complied to ex's requirements. I rediscovered a part of me that had been submerged.

We spend so much time thinking about them, their illness, we risk losing sight of who we are.

I get to sparkle more now - tis still hard - I miss the "safeness" of being in the background.  For a reason that I cannot yet identify I feel out of place with others but it is fading.  Had a good time tonight (dinner with friends). 

I hope this makes sense; what I am trying to convey is that there is another world, not dominated by the strangeness of BPD and we can find it, if we open our minds and lives to it.

Yes, if he hasn't got time for you in your crisis, what does it say about him? And are crumbs of his attention enough for you? I'd say not... .

I didn't expect a rescue but I was more vulnerable to seeking the old closeness.  Right now my world is upside down in so many ways . . . not sure why i thought that he would 'realize' we could be happy after he asked if there was a way that we could work things out.  I believed again - how stupid is that?  Big hole, wrong street.