Right now, I'm silent because my stories are so extreme that anything I say will just make me look like a crazy ex-wife
I know how this feels. :'(
I went down this path too. One thing I learned is that some towns actually have forensic IT police officers -- it's their jobs to investigate IT crimes. I don't know if that's something you have where you live. If so, it may be a resource to help you understand what you can do.
There are also stores that specialize in software/surveillance devices and their staff may have ideas about how to test for radio frequencies or whatnot. If you live in a state where people grow marijuana, these stores may be easier to find... .
You could also ask your lawyer if there are any forensic IT experts and ask to consult with them about how you can safeguard your privacy. Their job is to make sure they can get the evidence and keep it pristine (not tampered with) so that it can be used in court, which could help you if you do find something.
In my state, it's a felony to put surveillance software on a device that you didn't purchase. There are some variations on the law when it involves kids, and again when it crosses to another home with an ex spouse.
I haven't heard of the clothing/tracking devices. Do they work even when they're washed? If there is something loaded on your phone, you may notice the phone battery dies quickly, or feels hot (more than usual). Often, these programs send a big file once a day, like at midnight. A forensic IT guy can identify the program in a way that doesn't mess with the software (I think), but it might cost you ~$500 to pay for them to check.
I would be most concerned about the car for tracking.
And I agree you want to find evidence before you talk to people about your concerns.
My ex is very IT savvy, and I went through a lot of the same concerns. I just found out yesterday that even though I'm not gov staff, my info was compromised in the gov data hacking. In the note I received from the Office of Personnel Management, it says that my info might be included in the data breach of a spouse ordered a background check on me. I also found out from the IRS that he requested I be audited.
It's only paranoia if it's not happening.