All kinds of anxiety on the night before Christmas Eve

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello good people! It's been awhile since I passed this way. I'm so glad to see you're still here!

I'm trying to manage an anxiety attack/emotional flashback on the night before my parents arrive in my town for a Christmas visit. They will be staying with my brother, not I, so that's a plus, though I feel guilty about it too since my brother then bears most/all of the hosting burden.

I'm somewhat flummoxed by this attack, as I just returned from a 3-day trip with my FOO to CA to help settle the affairs of my newly deceased uncle. I was anticipating a nightmare, but though indeed challenging, it went really well. I was able to stay in my adult self pretty much the whole time and was able to be supportive and helpful without losing myself. Now, the hometown visit, which I thought would be easy in comparison, is really throwing me for a loop.

I guess in a way it makes sense as the out of state trip was a novel situation, and my parents needed and asked for my help. And accepted. Well, more like demanded on my uBPD' mom's part, but I'm fairly used to that. I guess Christmas is just more triggering.

What's especially got me flustered right now is my brother copied me on a long text from my mother where she asked him to ask me something. This is typical of her. He said, "I really wish you guys talked to each other." I responded that we do communicate, usually by email, and that I did not expect nor was it his responsibility to relay messages. I haven't gotten a response back from him so don't know what he made of it.

Right now I feel panicky and like the walls are closing in with no escape. I hear the unspoken accusation in his words to me. It's not that my mother and I don't talk to each other, tho we don't do a lot of that either, but we don't TALK anymore, like we did when I was young and I unburdened myself fully to her, as did she me much of the time. We were enmeshed. I put a stop to it, and now she leans on my brother, and I feel guilty about that.

I'm also really angry. Angry that after all this time (it's been many years) she's still trying to reel me back in. And my brother, for his part, seems more than willing to be her man Friday and confidant, except when it comes to relaying messages to me apparently. I keep hoping he'll see the light and support me in setting boundaries, not to mention set some himself. It's his decision, I know, but I just feel so alone. And yet suffocated at the same time by my mother's machinations and the resultant wacko family dynamic. Oh and don't even ask about my dad. I think he's serving as the scapegoat, and my brother's the stand-in. Now if only her errant daughter would fall in line. Blech!

Thank you for providing this space where folks like me can vent amongst others who understand.  I was feeling so strong and free a few days ago, and now I'm taking another turn on the spit. Oh well, such is life.

-ITN-

[Is This Normal]

Hello good people! It's been awhile since I passed this way. I'm so glad to see you're still here!

I'm trying to manage an anxiety attack/emotional flashback on the night before my parents arrive in my town for a Christmas visit. They will be staying with my brother, not I, so that's a plus, though I feel guilty about it too since my brother then bears most/all of the hosting burden.

I'm somewhat flummoxed by this attack, as I just returned from a 3-day trip with my FOO to CA to help settle the affairs of my newly deceased uncle. I was anticipating a nightmare, but though indeed challenging, it went really well. I was able to stay in my adult self pretty much the whole time and was able to be supportive and helpful without losing myself. Now, the hometown visit, which I thought would be easy in comparison, is really throwing me for a loop.

I guess in a way it makes sense as the out of state trip was a novel situation, and my parents needed and asked for my help. And accepted. Well, more like demanded on my uBPD' mom's part, but I'm fairly used to that. I guess Christmas is just more triggering.

What's especially got me flustered right now is my brother copied me on a long text from my mother where she asked him to ask me something. This is typical of her. He said, "I really wish you guys talked to each other." I responded that we do communicate, usually by email, and that I did not expect nor was it his responsibility to relay messages. I haven't gotten a response back from him so don't know what he made of it.

Right now I feel panicky and like the walls are closing in with no escape. I hear the unspoken accusation in his words to me. It's not that my mother and I don't talk to each other, tho we don't do a lot of that either, but we don't TALK anymore, like we did when I was young and I unburdened myself fully to her, as did she me much of the time. We were enmeshed. I put a stop to it, and now she leans on my brother, and I feel guilty about that.

I'm also really angry. Angry that after all this time (it's been many years) she's still trying to reel me back in. And my brother, for his part, seems more than willing to be her man Friday and confidant, except when it comes to relaying messages to me apparently. I keep hoping he'll see the light and support me in setting boundaries, not to mention set some himself. It's his decision, I know, but I just feel so alone. And yet suffocated at the same time by my mother's machinations and the resultant wacko family dynamic. Oh and don't even ask about my dad. I think he's serving as the scapegoat, and my brother's the stand-in. Now if only her errant daughter would fall in line. Blech!

Thank you for providing this space where folks like me can vent amongst others who understand.  I was feeling so strong and free a few days ago, and now I'm taking another turn on the spit. Oh well, such is life.

-ITN-

[Suzn]

He said, "I really wish you guys talked to each other." I responded that we do communicate, usually by email, and that I did not expect nor was it his responsibility to relay messages. I haven't gotten a response back from him so don't know what he made of it.

I think your response was excellent. You enforced a boundary and put the responsibility of his actions (passing on a text) back where they belonged, in his hands. Is it awkward for him to set boundaries with your mother? It sounds like it. If so, your response may be awkward for him to respond to.

Setting and enforcing boundaries is work and it makes sense you would be angry (or hurt) to think your brother might be disappointed in you. Is it possible that he has his hands full with mom right now and isn't giving your response as much thought as you are? I know I've dwelt on these types of possibilities and have been able to get my anxiety good and worked up.

Deep breaths and re-directing my thoughts have helped. How are you coping with the anxiety?

[Is This Normal]

Suzn, thanks so much for your response!

I'm sure you're quite right about my brother having bigger fish to fry so to speak right now. And I don't think he's accustomed to setting boundaries with my mom. He's very much a go along to getalong kind of guy, particularly where our family is concerned.

I realized after I read your response and reread my post, that if anyone's really disappointed in me, it's my mother. I think mybrother is frustrated at beibg thrust in the middle, for which I don't blame him one bit. But I get the impression he thinks I am responsible for that happening, rather than looking at our mother's behavior. I'm just so tired of taking responsibility for other people's behavior, emotional states, etc. Our family, like so many, seems to run on codependency. But I've learned too much and just can't playthat game anymore.

As for coping with the anxiety, I distracted myself with some online personality tests, ! I got so absorbed in them, the ruminatiob cycle was broken I guess. I feel much calmer now and like I'll be able to sleep. I have a prescribed sleep aid I can use, but I feel like it messes with my mood so I use it as an absolute last resort. I don't need pharmaceutical. help getting off-balance. Quite the contrary!

Thank you so much for your quick response. I posted a thread on another message board and got nothing butcrickets. It's terrible timing I know what with the holidays. But when I see that people are reading my post but not responding, I start to imagine all tge terrible things they must be thinking about me.

Ireally hate when I get like this. I feel desparate and needy and like I could just suck the air out of a room. That's what I grew up with, so it pains me to think I'm that person, even if for only a short time ona message board.

Again, thanks for reading and responding. I can feel Ms. Jekyll dissipating, thank goodness!

[Is This Normal]

Just checked my email, and I don't know what my brother said to our mothe, maybe he copied my text to her about not relaying messages, but my mother sent ana very snappish, sarcastic email to us both saying she was soo sorry for putting my brother out and could we please cut her some slack?

I ignored the witchy remarks and tone and answered her original question. Then wished her and my dad safe travels tomorrow.

It's this type of reaction that makes us not want to speak up or confront her. And there's the threat of her bringing an attitude into town tomorrow because my brother had the audacity to speak up for himself and resign as message-boy. It's so disrespectful. She as much as said he should be happy to do it as he has nothing better to do. Neither one of us is filling our lives with things she considers worthwhile.

Ok, time to let this go. I may take a sleep aid after all. My heart is pounding. But I'm proud of my brother, and in a weird way, I'm glad she's mad. We spend way too much time tiptoeing around so as not to upset the very unstable apple cart. Let her pick up the damn apples for once. Lol!

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Isthisnormal! 

I can sure relate to your holiday anxiety! It was often like that with my uBPDm. So darn triggering, isn't it? The holidays can be especially tough as we are thrust together in our family 'obligations' which bring out all kinds of anxieties and reminders of the past. One of my least favorite memories is when we went to Florida to visit my mom for Christmas. I was an adult, had adolescent children, and had begun realizing how dysfunctional things really were. This was long before I had any idea what BPD was mind you.  I decided to be brave and bold when my uBPD made some remark about me in front of everyone, and I actually spoke back to her!   You can imagine that it didn't go over well with her, and she actually laughed and made fun of me 'being angry.' Obviously I still have that sore memory haunting me.

Good for you that you are holding to your boundaries! In spite of being triggered, you are finding creative ways of self soothing such as the personality tests you took to switch your brain to another direction. What other things do you find. Help you to relax? It's wise that you didn't engage your mom, and that your self awareness is growing so much.

Is it possible that while on the trip you fell into the normal 'helpful' mode that so many of us survivor kids do, yet while returning to the home front the dynamics switched, thus causing you to anticipate 'the turn'?

Hang in there! You are doing great at staying out of the middle drama place. It's not easy. Kudos! 

Wools

[Is This Normal]

Wools,

I tried speaking back to my mother too, and it went about as well. Either she'd break out the flamethrower and obliterate me or sarcastically say "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" A and hold her hands up as if to say I was overreacting, and she was surrendering in the face of my oversensitivity. Pretty rich considering my protests were like the buzzing of a mosqiluito compared to her scorched earth reactions when aroused. Now I see it for what it is, but before it was crazymaking.

I think you are exactly right about "the turn." Christmas is my mom's holiday, and I think as I become more aware I realize I'm going thru certain motions to please her.  But I have an ETA for them now, and my plan is to chill where I'm at, wrap presents, take care of my critters, and then join them for dinner.

Re: the personality tests. That could have backfired ! Although I'm pretty aware how neurotic I am. The main one I took was on attachment styles. I got "Preoccupied." Don't believe I've heard that one before. But I could see how it would fit!

Thank you so much for your feedback, and I hope the next few days are peaceful for you!

-ITN-

[Suzn]

my mother sent ana very snappish, sarcastic email to us both saying she was soo sorry for putting my brother out and could we please cut her some slack?

I ignored the witchy remarks and tone and answered her original question. Then wished her and my dad safe travels tomorrow.

Good for you for not reacting to those! That takes strength and the pride in your strength is growing.  

She as much as said he should be happy to do it as he has nothing better to do. Neither one of us is filling our lives with things she considers worthwhile.

I'm familiar with these types of thoughts. Not so much this specific one but adding to my own anger with the addition of my perception of what mom is thinking. I try to push those away because it doesn't help me remain centered, I try to remind myself if she's thinking this way it's on her. I refuse to pick up her stuff and run with it.

It sounds like your mom is uncomfortable approaching you, you see her behaviors and in a sense she knows it. She got caught. This situation is triangulation. Have you read about it yet?   Ongoing Relationship Conflict/ Karpman Drama Triangle

You mention codependency. It's hard not to get caught up in these tendencies, I struggle with this myself when it comes to family. When I feel the guilt trying to get the better of me when I step back from these tendencies, I remind myself that everyone has the same opportunity to chose to reach out for help to better themselves and their r/s dynamics. Kuddos to you for doing just that.

How is your r/s with your brother? Is he nearby?

[Is This Normal]

 Suzn,

I remember the first time I heard the expression, "What others think of me is none of my business." It just blew my mind. I try to live by it but it's verrrrrry challenging. I was groomed as a child to be completely concerned with how others, especially my mom, see me. It's a hard habit to break, and I need frequent reminders, so thank you.

I had heard of the Karpman Triangle before, but I'd not investigated it in any real depth. Perhaps it's time to take aclose look. It explains a lot. And it clarifies where I want to be, or not be, in relationto Foo conflicts especially. I do know that I've got way too much on my own plate figuring myself out to be getting involved in other folk's struggles.

You asked about my brother. He is indeed near. He lives within 25 miles from me. We have been somewhat distant for quite some time. A lot of that is my doing. In trying to separate from my parents, I found it necessary to pull away from him as well. He is still enmeshed with them I think. I would like us to be closer, particularly as we and our parents age, but that remains to be seen. I have been reaching out to him in small ways. We shall see.

My anxiety has largely gone to be replaced by exhaustion. The visit has gone very well so far, and my parents are leaving tomorrow instead of Sunday which I'm relieved about as I don't think I have another day in me. I wonder at how drained I am after spending time with them, even though things have gone well. I'd like to take a closer look at that, though not right now, !

Again, I thank you for your support and feedback!

-ITN-

[Woolspinner2000]

Morning ITN,

Sounds as if you are making some healthy choices and walking them out well. Doesn't mean that all is fixed or perfect, does it? BPD people in our lives, especially when a parent , always bring their drama along with them. It sounds to me as if you prepared for the event and how to be healthy in the midst.

With all that in mind though, you get tired. Do you think the exhaustion has to do with being on edge or hyper vigilant for a long time? I would frequently feel that way too, and often still do, even though both of my parents have passed away now. There are other people in my life who do the triggering now, going back to reminders of my past from my FOO.

I have a similar relationship with my brother as you sound like you have with yours. We live states apart, yet over the years our interaction has been extremely limited, he being enmeshed with our uBPDm. Since our dad passed in late August (and mom in 2013), I've begun to see a shifting taking place in him. We have spoken on the phone much more, and he's begun asking questions about our FOO. I carefully walk ahead, most recently sending him the book "Surviving a Borderline Parent." It remains to be seen if he will read it and continue to be open. I have no expectation, just hope that one day he will begin this journey to freedom too.

So hang in there through all of this. Take time to rest. Your adrenal system has been on high alert for a number of days so you will be quite tired as the pressure eases. When you feel more rested, it sounds like you'll do more thinking then. I'm glad you are taking care of yourself. 

Wools

[Is This Normal]

Well, poo. I just typed up a lengthy response, then lost it when my connection timed out. Maybe it's just as well. I can go on a bit long.

I just read a book about adrenal insufficiency, which I think I may be suffering from. And I am sure, as you said, that the hypervigilance and anxiety wore me out bigtime. Not yet sure how or iff I can shut that off but remain hopeful.

One thing I noticed, which was a little scary, is that I missed turns and exits going to and from my brother's place yesterday. Not the first time this has happened and I'm coming to think a sure sign I'm starting to be overtaxed, dissociate, etc. I don't drink (a margarita or two a year), but drunkenness isn't the only thing that can impair driving!

-ITN-

[Woolspinner2000]

I had a similar experience last winter when I noticed that I was having a very difficult time focusing while driving to work one morning. It had been getting worse over the past few weeks so I spoke with my T about it. He thought it was most likely due to adrenalin being released in my brain to help me deal with some particularly difficult things that were being said to me in the morning before I left home. That was causing the fog, as a means of protection for my brain/emotions. The things being said were triggers for me, and I didn't do well with them at all. I'm sorry that this past week has been so stressful for you, ITN. No fun at all.

I've had to do some work at learning how to handle those times. It is better and T has helped. Do you have a T that you see to help you? One other little tip is that I carry some peppermint oil in my purse for my headaches, and it has also been helpful to me when my brain is foggy to breathe in the stimulating fragrance.

Wools

[Is This Normal]

 Wools,

You do indeed understand! I do hope the morning unpleasantness is a thing of the past. What a terrible way to start the day!

Re: therapy - I had been out of therapy for a while, but decided to have a few sessions thru my EAP this fall as I was struggling. I wasn't sure at first, but I think the counselor might be someone I should continue seeing. She has been invaluable in helping me get thru a particularly stressful time with my parents and was very quick to point out my mother's irrational, narcissistic behavior. I am going to see if she's on my insurance plan. I do have one more free session in which to debrief my holiday adventure with her, so that's good.

I used to poo-poo it, but I have recently begun to embrace aromatherapy ! I have a lavendar-infused lotion that I'm in love with and also bought this spray called "aura smudge" that smells of Juniper. Very invigorating. Who knows if it's helping my aura, but it smells heavenly!

I'm glad to hear you're reconnecting with your brother. My brother and I had some nice moments over Christmas, and I tried to convey my appreciation for his efforts as host. My uBPDm was not very. And yet, he sent them an apologetic email today, saying he was "irritable," and it was because he was tired. I saw no sign of this, just him being his usual mild-mannered, helpful self. But we've both been groomed to not speak up or make any sort of waves.