New Member... Need Help

[RoboBird]

Hi, everyone. I'm RoboBird. This is my first post here. I hope in the future we can grow and learn together.  If you need additional info on the situation, I've filled out my forum profile.


To be honest, the holidays aren't exactly my cup of tea. So, I've been trying to overcome my own anxiety issues during this time of year. After an earlier incident where he committed infidelity... .I proposed divorce.  I discussed it with him and my T, and decided I'd give him a chance. He's been going for around a month and a half, I believe? Saw some improvements, but a little bit of his destructive side would come out here and there. It felt like he was taking T seriously and trying to use what he learned.

Then something happened last night... .

He promised intimacy. When we retired for the evening, (after his hour or so long bath) he kept talking for an hour, and then when he showed vestiges of initiation he winced and said his neck popped. It felt kind of strange like he was almost waiting for something like that to happen. Silence for a bit, and then he fed me his usual line for when he with-holds- "I REALLY think you're beautiful, though... ." while side-glancing at me or staring forward. It agitated me, because I wish he'd just say if he didn't want to! So unfortunately, I called him out on it.

I ended up leaving after he tantrum-ed at me and got the typical vicious blame hurled my way- as he literally covered himself in the blanket like a little kid and threw his wedding ring onto the nightstand. Hardly believing I put up with this for years, I muttered to myself that it was like some joke. Which then prompted him to POP out of the blankets, and grin at me like a maniac asking what I had said. Felt like I should've watched what I said better, but after nine years... .it's startin' to wear me down.

Ended up sleeping on the couch this morning, just wanted to be away from him. Have my own breathing room. He got up for work, and sat on the loveseat... .staring at me for like half an hour. Then he waited for me to talk to him, and apologized for everything last night except his behavior, and then ended up throwing blame at me yet again. 

Today, he keeps on wanting to "talk" to me. Which seems more like a trap, and in my experience is.

I'm wondering what I can do to make it through the holidays? However, I wonder more about the long-term. Should I wait for him to make positive changes through therapy? Or should I just cut it right here? The kicker is that I'm homebound and have no family or friends to go to if I divorce. I had a job ages ago, but we decided on more traditional roles- which I am highly regretful of now.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you folks have a good holiday and new year!

[unicorn2014]

Robobird I am very sorry for your troubles!   

I am not married to my guy, he is married to someone else, and I am waiting for him to divorce.

I think if I was in your situation I probably would want to leave too. Sexual intimacy is at the heart of every marriage and for one spouse to deny another is a sure fire recipe for disaster. It sounds to me like you want to stay in your marriage for survival reasons? What do you mean that you are homebound, if I may?

[RoboBird]

Robobird I am very sorry for your troubles!   

I am not married to my guy, he is married to someone else, and I am waiting for him to divorce.

I think if I was in your situation I probably would want to leave too. Sexual intimacy is at the heart of every marriage and for one spouse to deny another is a sure fire recipe for disaster. It sounds to me like you want to stay in your marriage for survival reasons? What do you mean that you are homebound, if I may?

Your situation sounds a little dicey. Good luck, though. And of course, thanks for reading and your concern. 

It's been like this for awhile, and I'm pretty sure he's also heavily enmeshed with not only his N/BPD mother, but also another member. His troubles with intimacy have been recurrent. And well, you guessed right!

It is survival to some extent, but kinda my own laziness. Basically, jumped into the arms of a BPD fellow while running away from a severely disordered and abusive family. By homebound, I mean agoraphobia. Been this way for nearly the entire relationship... .and I'm wondering if he contributed to my inability to strike out or if I just got comfortable and afraid? Chicken or the egg, it seems.

Either way, it's not healthy and it taught me that each individual in a relationship needs the equality of being able to walk away and/or support themselves if need be. Been making positive changes here and there myself, but... .it gets pretty daunting because I'm basically starting life again at 30. Luckily, no children are involved so divorce would be a matter of just walking away after paperwork- but his instability makes me think that it would not exactly take that turn. My major concern is housing and a job. Especially, since my anxiety is super triggered lately. I'm an INTJ, and have been studying up on going into the tech field for software development.

[unicorn2014]

My guy is only married legally, he hasn't lived with his wife for over 3 years, but its still an issue for me.

Its funny you mention you're an INTJ, so is my guy, he heavily believes in it as part of his identity.

You are only 30?

[RoboBird]

My guy is only married legally, he hasn't lived with his wife for over 3 years, but its still an issue for me.

Its funny you mention you're an INTJ, so is my guy, he heavily believes in it as part of his identity.

You are only 30?

Wow. I can see why it would be an issue. That's not cool to just leave it hanging. Hope you don't have to wait too long, Unicorn. 

Ah! Another INTJ. It's kinda a notorious type. I think a lot of people try for it just because of that. Not saying your lover did. But since a lot of notable villains and such are affiliated with it, it kinda is popular.  Have heard that the values fluctuate and become more stable as we establish ourselves and develop our self as we age. I remember reading comments from other INTJs and someone had the same thing happen where they weren't so hot with elementary mathematical concepts but were totally fine with advanced ones in college. Guess the keyword for that type's learning style is "Why?". It kinda felt like coming home.  How does your lover display the type?

Just remembered uBPDh took the test recently and got ENTJ with little values in all. Wondering if perhaps some of his personality has been borrowed from mine to some extent? Assessments are pretty interesting. What type are you, Unicorn?

And yeah, I'm 30. Met H in college at 21 and we dated for awhile(4~5 years), then got married and have been that way for around the same time. The red flags didn't really strike me that much due to my own dysfunctional upbringing, and wanting to believe that H and his family was really the "good people" they constantly said they were.

[unicorn2014]

I'm infj but I've also tested as intj and entj.

My guy is 50+. It is a myth that borderline goes away with age. If you can love your guy as he is then you can stay. If his untreated borderline is too much for you, well, you've come to the right place.

I've gone from undecided to staying and now I'm back to undecided.

I was married once before, not to an untreated borderline , but a different untreated disorder. I knew when it was time to go it was time to go. My current situation is actually more challenging then my marriage .

You've come to the right place.

[RoboBird]

I'm infj but I've also tested as intj and entj.

My guy is 50+. It is a myth that borderline goes away with age. If you can love your guy as he is then you can stay. If his untreated borderline is too much for you, well, you've come to the right place.

I've gone from undecided to staying and now I'm back to undecided.

I was married once before, not to an untreated borderline , but a different untreated disorder. I knew when it was time to go it was time to go. My current situation is actually more challenging then my marriage .

You've come to the right place.

Thank you so much, Unicorn. 

Oh! INFJ! The Advocate. That's a bit rare. Think I might've gotten that when I was younger, but it definitely stabilized to INTJ. Very interesting. Especially since ENTJ showed up for you as well.

And my apologies! I should've inquired about your situation and status a bit more, still kinda getting my bearings. Do forgive me. It's been wonderful talking to you and you seem like such a warm person. It sounds like it's been a rough go for you, but it also sounds like you're very self-aware. Again, I hope the outcome of your situation will be what you desire.   Forgive me if I was a bit presumptuous. Still learning social aspects.

The fluctuations you mention sound almost exactly like my own. I want to make this work if it all possible, but you really can't just fix a two-person thing by yourself, y'know? I'm glad to know that this place and people like yourself will be here to help. It's sad, because he was/is also my best friend. And while I don't want to see him suffer, it really hurts when that suffering becomes a weapon pointed at me. I hope he continues therapy regardless of if I'm still here or not. But when/if I leave, I need to make damn sure to go no contact.

Oh! And Happy Holidays! Can't believe Christmas is so soon!

[unicorn2014]

Yes I've been infj since college. I have read it is the rarest temperament. When I'm under stress I fluctuate but at my core I'm an infj .

If your husband is in therapy that's hopeful, my guy is not, in fact he often points to his temperament as a reason he doesn't need therapy. When he does see a therapist it's to prove to me he doesn't have a trait or disorder I've accused him of. He thinks therapy is for problem solving. He doesn't think he has a personality disorder , or if he does he's got it under control.

There is something in DBT called pros and cons where you look at an issue from all sides. Have you done the pros and cons of staying and leaving?

Can you tell me a bit more about what your husband is doing in therapy?

One thing I can tell you I've learned from these boards is how much work a BPD relationship takes. It is not easy.

[RoboBird]

Yes I've been infj since college. I have read it is the rarest temperament. When I'm under stress I fluctuate but at my core I'm an infj .

If your husband is in therapy that's hopeful, my guy is not, in fact he often points to his temperament as a reason he doesn't need therapy. When he does see a therapist it's to prove to me he doesn't have a trait or disorder I've accused him of. He thinks therapy is for problem solving. He doesn't think he has a personality disorder , or if he does he's got it under control.

There is something in DBT called pros and cons where you look at an issue from all sides. Have you done the pros and cons of staying and leaving?

Can you tell me a bit more about what your husband is doing in therapy?

One thing I can tell you I've learned from these boards is how much work a BPD relationship takes. It is not easy.

I'm sorry to hear that your fellow is so convinced of his "apparent" mental health. Isn't there a saying? "Not knowing, yet thinking you know—. This is sickness." Believe that was Lao Tzu. H has dealt with my therapists quite a few times, and he's even lied to them while bolstering himself as a white knight. Since I've been seeing this T for a year and a half, he knows all about uBPDh's behaviors. He usually sees Ts as an indicator you're broken, but then when it's him it shifts to a state of that problem solving you mentioned.

Did a couple's session, and he told the truth mostly... .but he did leave off some of his nasty behavior to make himself sound so kind. Like I said, we see the same T. Not sure what kind of therapy he's doing, but I've also told T how I suspect BPD- we even sat down with the current DSM and looked at the entry together. On H's side, I know that he usually gets them to say things like, "You're too hard on yourself." and stuff like that. Sorry I can't provide more on it. They also covered transference, boundaries, that sort of thing.

uBPDh also pulled a move where he went to a T's office which was owned by a sleazy PD specialist strangely enough,  that had an affair with my N/BPDmother during treatment and that triggered me to hell. H just whined that he "couldn't remember every small detail" and didn't apologize properly. Seemed like a PA jab, more than anything. Thank God, I'm seeing a T, otherwise that would've been a complete melt-down.

Pros and cons? Sounds familiar. Think I might've done that, but I shall revisit it! Thank you!

It sure doesn't seem like this is a simple thing. And honestly, I don't know if I have the fortitude to continue at this point. Even if one did, is it such a necessity to endure that when you don't need to?

[unicorn2014]

What is PA?

The fact that your h is in therapy is a positive sign if you want to continue. I am not married to my guy even though he wants to marry me. We were engaged until I realized I can't be engaged to someone who's married to someone else.

A BPD r/s is a lot of work but you've got the fact your h is in therapy on your side.

Pros and cons is a DBT distress tolerance skill and it has you look at the pros and cons of leaving or not leaving, for example.

Did a crisis bring you to BPD family?

You sound pretty self aware with a good head on your shoulders

[jac8949]

Hi, everyone. I'm RoboBird. This is my first post here. I hope in the future we can grow and learn together.  If you need additional info on the situation, I've filled out my forum profile.


To be honest, the holidays aren't exactly my cup of tea. So, I've been trying to overcome my own anxiety issues during this time of year. After an earlier incident where he committed infidelity... .I proposed divorce.  I discussed it with him and my T, and decided I'd give him a chance. He's been going for around a month and a half, I believe? Saw some improvements, but a little bit of his destructive side would come out here and there. It felt like he was taking T seriously and trying to use what he learned.

Then something happened last night... .

He promised intimacy. When we retired for the evening, (after his hour or so long bath) he kept talking for an hour, and then when he showed vestiges of initiation he winced and said his neck popped. It felt kind of strange like he was almost waiting for something like that to happen. Silence for a bit, and then he fed me his usual line for when he with-holds- "I REALLY think you're beautiful, though... ." while side-glancing at me or staring forward. It agitated me, because I wish he'd just say if he didn't want to! So unfortunately, I called him out on it.

I ended up leaving after he tantrum-ed at me and got the typical vicious blame hurled my way- as he literally covered himself in the blanket like a little kid and threw his wedding ring onto the nightstand. Hardly believing I put up with this for years, I muttered to myself that it was like some joke. Which then prompted him to POP out of the blankets, and grin at me like a maniac asking what I had said. Felt like I should've watched what I said better, but after nine years... .it's startin' to wear me down.

Ended up sleeping on the couch this morning, just wanted to be away from him. Have my own breathing room. He got up for work, and sat on the loveseat... .staring at me for like half an hour. Then he waited for me to talk to him, and apologized for everything last night except his behavior, and then ended up throwing blame at me yet again. 

Today, he keeps on wanting to "talk" to me. Which seems more like a trap, and in my experience is.

I'm wondering what I can do to make it through the holidays? However, I wonder more about the long-term. Should I wait for him to make positive changes through therapy? Or should I just cut it right here? The kicker is that I'm homebound and have no family or friends to go to if I divorce. I had a job ages ago, but we decided on more traditional roles- which I am highly regretful of now.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you folks have a good holiday and new year!

Robobird... .One thing popped out at me reading your post... .

Infidelity

I have an immense amount of experience with this as I have had 3 long term relationships in my life and they have all ended because the my girlfriend cheated on me.

If I can pass any words of wisdom over to you, that is that it is highly unlikely like it will work after the significant other cheats. 

Please answer this question... .Can you honestly have peace of mind in your life worrying whether or not he is gonna do it again... .If he is doing it now.   

And here is the kicker... .If he is really BPD... There is a chance that he doesn't know what he is doing.  My last gf was spending multiple nights out a week and posting fb pictures of her and her new bf together and then coming home to me and telling me that nothing was happening. 

This type of behavior can lead to you questioning your own sanity.

This is my experience.  Tell me how what is your husband...   Bpd or narcissistic?  What are the behaviors?