Looking for resources & information about BPD

[JJ1229]

New to site. Looking for more info about BPD. I'm pregnant & my SO is an undiagnosed BPD... but based on everything I've read, he's the textbook version of this illness. 8

I want so badly for this relationship to work, but the reality is not looking good for us. It pains me to imagine raising a child in the current environment/relationship status we're in. How do I even bring this up to him & can I get him to get help? 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

I am glad you joined and made your first post.   

There are some real challenges to living in a relationship with a person with has the traits of BPD.   The sudden shifts of mood from idealization to devaluation can be very tough for us to deal with.

The very best place to begin is to learn all you can about BPD, how the disorder normally plays out and what our role can be like a relationship with some one who has it.   Do you mind me asking, what made you determine your SO may have it?    Can you tell us a little more is happening between you?

You are going to find a lot of people on this site who have been in your shoes.   People who truly understand.   And a lot of resources for working through what is happening.    It is going to take a little time.    What you can do right now is come here and read and post and spend some time educating yourself.   

What do you think?    Does that make some sense?

'ducks

[VitaminC]

Hi JJ1229,

my heart goes out to you, it really does. That is very tough situation to find yourself in.

I second babyducks on being glad you joined and this site and the forums being an excellent resource. I've learned just about everything from this site (the articles, blogs, and people's posts) and a couple of books I found referenced here - in particular Randi Kreger's "The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder_ New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells" -Hazelden (2008)

I recommend all the above heartily to you.

Another thing I want to say with great emphasis is that:

a) you cannot do this alone. You need a support network. This site (the people on it are great, have a lot of experience and insights) will be useful if you keep in touch. You also need physical people in your life; a couple of close friends you can talk to, family, and maybe a therapist for yourself. As other people here have often pointed out, BPD is not well known by many therapists and finding one that has an understanding of it (or is prepared to educate themselves even just by using this site as a resource, for example) would help.

b) telling your BP about his condition is mostly not advisable. It will very likely be perceived as a criticism and a rejection and be met with resistance and hostility towards you. You really need to have excellent communication skills, get the timing absolutely right, and have a bit of luck,  to manage that one. Getting a BP individual to see that there might be a problem at all is hard enough, but getting them to seek help for it is another thing altogether. And even if they do, and are really committed to working things out for themselves, it takes a long time and a lot of consistent management by themselves, their therapist, and the other person in the relationship.

I'm not saying it's impossible. There are people on these boards who have done it for years and have accepted some basic inequalities in the relationship. There are posts by a couple of people who either have or had BPD and those were nice views from 'the inside', so to speak.

The more you know, the more you can manage things. Having a baby and all that will entail in terms of emotions and practical changes in your life will be challenging at the best of times. Going into it while having to manage another emotional baby in an adult body is really going to test you.

Please stay in touch here. People will help. But do get yourself information and support and protect yourself (and your child) first, by knowing what you know and not letting yourself get deeply confused by what your partner may be seeing as the reality.

Best of everything to you.

[Panda39]

Hi JJ1229,

I want to join babyducks and VitaminC in welcoming you to the bpdfamily  .

I come at BPD from a slightly different angle my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) but when I first discovered BPD I started with my local library.  I read everything I could get my hands on through the whole local system.  That way I received the information from many different authors with differing communication styles so I might not pick up on something from one author but did get it from another so I felt that I ended up with a well rounded perspective.  I encourage you to check out your local library and use it as a resource along with visits here.

One of the books I liked best was Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change by Valerie Porr.  I found this to be a very informative read and also balanced in terms of being sympathetic to pwBPD (people with BPD).

This sight also has an entire board devoted to book reviews (books on BPD and related topics) here is a link to the Book Review Board https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0k

I agree with the others that you will find a lot of information here, tools to help you with your pwBPD (person with BPD), and support, encouragement and ideas from other members that have been in and are in situations similar to yours.  When I first arrived here I was so surprised by how much we all have in common and how similar our stories can be.

Before I go I wanted to point out the box to the right ---> Everything is a link to more information just click on any of the links to read more about that topic.

Again Welcome 

Panda39