Christmas Questions

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

A week ago my BPDexW asked about my plans for Xmas. I said I'd really like to have the children on Xmas eve. Impossible, she said. Xmas morning? Nope. The 26th? Nope. But you can, she said to me, come and have lunch with us. I couldn't, I'm having lunch with my partner and the ex knows that. Well then, she says, you can get to see them on the 27th.

Since then it has been a living nightmare of having her ranting and raving.

Last night D17 messages me wanting to know my plans - 'Mom asked whether any of us know what your plans are for Xmas'

I messaged back the above, that they will only be free to see me on the 27th. Daughter replies, 'that's weird, we aren't doing anything at all except going for a walk on the 26th'

15 minutes later, ex messages a rant accusing me of messing with my children's heads. I message back to D17 asking whether she'd discussed our conversation with her mother. D17 says 'Yes, mother asked'

Today another rant message from ex saying that me questioning D17 will result in her not confiding in anybody and will require therapy and that I am not at all welcome anywhere near them this Xmas period.

I have a tableful of gifts that I was hoping to drop over to them tomorrow morning. What now? I feel that I should go over and drop the gifts off - if only to negate the impression she's feeding the children that 'his new girlfriend is more important to him than you are'. Thoughts?

[warhar]

A week ago my BPDexW asked about my plans for Xmas. I said I'd really like to have the children on Xmas eve. Impossible, she said. Xmas morning? Nope. The 26th? Nope. But you can, she said to me, come and have lunch with us. I couldn't, I'm having lunch with my partner and the ex knows that. Well then, she says, you can get to see them on the 27th.

Since then it has been a living nightmare of having her ranting and raving.

Last night D17 messages me wanting to know my plans - 'Mom asked whether any of us know what your plans are for Xmas'

I messaged back the above, that they will only be free to see me on the 27th. Daughter replies, 'that's weird, we aren't doing anything at all except going for a walk on the 26th'

15 minutes later, ex messages a rant accusing me of messing with my children's heads. I message back to D17 asking whether she'd discussed our conversation with her mother. D17 says 'Yes, mother asked'

Today another rant message from ex saying that me questioning D17 will result in her not confiding in anybody and will require therapy and that I am not at all welcome anywhere near them this Xmas period.

I have a tableful of gifts that I was hoping to drop over to them tomorrow morning. What now? I feel that I should go over and drop the gifts off - if only to negate the impression she's feeding the children that 'his new girlfriend is more important to him than you are'. Thoughts?

[Panda39]

Hi Warhar,

When are you scheduled to see your kids next?  If it were me I would just use a parallel parenting type of model.  She has Christmas with the kids when she has them and you have Christmas later when the kids are with you.  Don't engage in the drama because drama is what she seems to want.  I sure as heck would have been okay with two Christmases when I was a kid. 

Wishing you a Merry (hopefully peaceful) Christmas. 

Panda39

[Turkish]

It's sad that D17 was put into the middle of this. Is there a custody order in place, or do you have to rely on the good graces of a pwBPD to have access to your children?

[scraps66]

I have mine from the start of school recess to 1pm Christmas Day, then get them back on the 28th at 5pm, then have them until school resumes.  This is a lot cuzz this year if get xmas eve AND New Year's.

[forestfortrees]

Sorry about this. There is no "win-win" in this. Always take the highest road possible, even when there are blaming statements and accusations. It is so hard not to react or to attempt a rational trade of time. I just tried trading dates, and it took a full day of emails to get the days switched to uBPDxw. She really wanted me to give up days for her family and other events out of a right. Sometimes I really just want to give in, but realize know that I have to stick to the agreement, because my time with my D7 is already so limited.