Caring for single mother of 15 month old, our grandaughter

[Hhuffaker]

Need advise:  Our grandaughter has lived with us most of the time since she was 13; she is now 24 and a single mother of one child.  She is threatening to leave our home (even if she has to go to a shelter), because she is a "burden" to us.  Have considered contacting CPS, but know that would sever our relationship and deplete our ability to help her.  What should we do?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Huffaker,

Welcome to the site and the Parenting Board!

I'm sorry that  you are in this situation, having a granddaughter and great grandchild's well being hanging in the balance is sad and scary. 

Most likely, based on my experience with my own daughter (now 19), she probably isn't serious about leaving.  She is most likely looking for reassurance that she is welcome and loved and may be wanting to project some guilt onto you as well.  Communication skills like SET and validation can help you convey your message of understanding, love, support and truth to her. 

If you haven't learned about SET and validation you can read about them in the side bar under the Tools and Lessons.   

We are here to help you learn and implement the skills that can help build your relationship with your gdaughter.  Is she in therapy or has she been in the past? Did you attend with her?

I look forward to hearing back from you.

lbjnltx

[Vivienne V.]

I am going to agree. She probably feels terrible having to rely on you for so much. It probably hurts her pride; no one wants to feel like a burden! I wonder if there is some job or something you could have her do around the house that would make her feel that she is contributing. Maybe you could say: "Oh, but we really need you to stay! We were actually thinking about asking you to do this (make up something here) but were afraid to ask you because we didn't want to be a burden to you. It would help us out so much if you did this for us every day!  

Maybe it could be cooking dinner for you or doing the shopping because you are finding it so "hard to find time to get to the store these days".  She'll probably see through this, but maybe she'll allow it in order to save face and to feel useful.

Ultimately, I agree that she is just looking for reassurance. I have been in that position before with my own grandmother and my self-esteem totally suffered. My grandma finally told me that having me in her house was making her happier than she had been since my grandfather died and she actually thanked me and made me feel like I was helping her out just by being there. LOL! You gotta love grandparents!  

[gamgam240]

Hi, im new here also and i am dealing with almost the same thing except it my daughter she is 18 with a 11 month old and another one on the way.its hard when they want to use the moving card because you know that at least with you in the home the children has a sense of stability and you can do things to take their little minds off the things that they have no control over.my daughter tells me she is moving all the time and the one time she did move she would call me cussing because she couldn't handle the baby and i would have to go get the baby to bed.she wasn't even gone 2 weeks before she wanted to come home now that she is here again and i have been helping here with the baby for 11 months she now try's to use her to control me.i am really glad i came across this sight because i always believed my daughter was one of a kind and now i know im not alone in this fight.maybe we can help each other through this.

[Turkish]

A core emotional trait of BPD is shame (I.e., "I'm a bad person.". It's often hard to see this through emotional dysregulations and abusive behaviors. If you're the type of person who used to getting things done, that is, it's easier for you to just do what needs to be done, it may be triggering to a person with BPD. I found this out with my elderly mother. When I stopped financially rescuing her, she took pride in doing for herself, because she felt badly that she couldn't in a few ways. Now that she's living with me, over already gotten the, "I don't want to be a burden... .etc." So I'm finding ways that she can help out around the house. I may have triggered her last night, whipping up spaghetti and veggies for her and the kids. It was easier and faster for me to do this myself, and I move quickly around a kitchen, having been a restaurant cook in my teenage years.

Definitely look into the validation tools like SET, and try to gently offer your daughter responsibilities around the house. If she fails here and there, validate her feelings and try again, with some grace. We talk a lot here about pwBPD (people with BPD) mirroring our feelings in a bad way. Not all mirroring, however, is negative. A person with BPD can be hyper-attuned to the feelings of others, real or perceived. Sometimes, mirroring back what is often the little positivity of a pwBPD can help soothe their often dusregulating emotions.

TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth

Communication using validation. What it is; how to do it

Let us know if the tools make sense on how to apply them.

Turkish