Question for Parents Regarding Abandonment Fears

[SummerStorm]

Hi Parents,

I have a question about my pwBPD that you might be able to help me with.  Generally speaking, in romantic relationships, my pwBPD is more driven by her fear of engulfment.  But with her mom, it seems to be more about abandonment.

Let me give you some background.  My pwBPD's mom lives across the country from my pwBPD (she just moved there over the summer).  For two years prior to this move, she lived in another state, albeit a closer one.  During that time, my pwBPD was in college and had off for long stretches of time and could visit her mom.  The unfortunate thing is that, whenever she visits her mom, things go downhill very quickly, and she ends up making her mom feel miserable. 

Now that my pwBPD is out of college, she can't visit her mom that often.  A few weeks ago, her mom came for a visit, when my pwBPD's stepbrother graduated from college.  My pwBPD's mom has a lot of serious medical issues, including rheumatoid arthritis, and my pwBPD told her mom that she is "ready for her to die," among other hurtful things.  But as soon as her mom left to go back home, my pwBPD started texting her, pleading with her to move back here and live with her because they could be "happy together."

My pwBPD once forgot her phone charger at home and asked me to drive her to the store so she could buy one because she didn't want her phone to die and possibly miss a call or text from her mom, so I know that, deep down, she loves her mom a lot.  She's spoken very negatively about her father and about other family members, but she doesn't speak negatively about her mom.

My question is this: Do you think that my pwBPD is so afraid of losing her mom that she is pushing her away and almost trying to detach herself emotionally, in preparation for her mom eventually not being here? 

   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Butterflygirl]

The fear of abandonment leads to a desire for enmeshment. Sometimes love addiction.

The fear of engulfment leads to love avoidance or ambivalence about love.

[Hopeful_Mom]

Trying to figure out "pw"? Pro-Wrestler? Pioneer Woman? Sorry that I cannot help answer your question.

[SummerStorm]

Trying to figure out "pw"? Pro-Wrestler? Pioneer Woman? Sorry that I cannot help answer your question.

pw stands for "person with." 

[Skip]

My question is this: Do you think that my pwBPD is so afraid of losing her mom that she is pushing her away and almost trying to detach herself emotionally, in preparation for her mom eventually not being here?  

It pretty hard to look into the mind of another person.

You see an obvious incongruity - and you'd like an answer - but there may not be a clear cut answer at all.

It could be about impulses - that she was annoyed at her mom for being needy or for not being doing more for her. It could be related to fear losing her. It could be engulfment. Or, like most of use, in could be the combination of all these factors that drove those comments that day.