Trying to learn how to cope going thru process of divorce with kids

[Azmama]

Filed for divorce after 24 years together, and we have 3 children who are 17,15,13. On 1 hand he will tell me he loves me and why can't we work this out to the next day we have a major blowout over something minute, the past is brought up and I am blamed for our troubles, blamed for destroying his life and ruining our children because I have now filed for divorce. His past hurts in the relationship are put on me with no introspection or taking responsibility for his misgivings. All is my fault. I have been name called and now I'm "controlled by satan" because I refuse to put Jesus as the center of our marriage and give it another go. His NEW (latest) commitment to Biblical teaching has come the last 4 months now along with new promises of change for... .real this time. When I try to share how I'm feeling im quickly judged and ridiculed for my twisted thinking and when I no longer wish to be open and share now I'm a liar. There is no right answer and im left feeling hopeless and trapped. That nothing I can do is ever good enough. I have become so enmeshed and codependent only realizing this the last few years and realizing there is no hope. I will no longer remain in this abusive environment. I've received a very hurtful letter form his mother last week claiming if I really loved her son I would work it out. How could I do this to him and our children,etc. he is 54 years old... .I can only imagine the things he has told our friends and family. He has also told our oldest son lies about me, that I've been talking to another man and told him we are no longer together... .this was 4 months ago. I have a very close relationship with our 3 children as I have been stay at home mom since day 1 and began working part time once our youngest began all day kindergarten. I do all the running of the home and taking care of the family, our roles are traditional in the home.

Since I filed for divorce and he was served a month ago he has made comments that I'm on my own financially, his money isn't mine, there will be consequences for my actions,etc.

It is a scary time as I want to just keep the peace in our home and avoid any conflict but many times I feel I'm sucked in somehow,it's like a pattern we have developed only now it turns very ugly. We still both reside in the home, he still sleeps beside me... .it is not good.

As I've dumped a ton at this post about my life I'm hopeful I can receive some advice on how to cope and manage thru this time. Also I'm deeply concerned with how to coparent or if this isn't possible. Seems along with this disorder is rooted in control at all costs. Perhaps the term parallel parenting would be better... .I heard this term the other day. If you have read to this point thank you. I've never posted in any forum so this feels a little uncomfortable. Thanks in advance and God bless y'all.

[whirlpoollife]

Azmama welcome to bpdfamily 

Are you on the internet on a divice that is shared?

If so you need to only use one that is not shared.

As your x2b h ( ex to be husband) can easily check your browsing history.

If safe I ( and many others here) can give you some more experiences.

I was married 27 yrs to a Npd / BPD h. (narcisit /borderline) .My kids were 13 and 11 at the time I filed.

And I had to live with him after I had filed too. Not easy by any means.  He was , and still is , a blamer.

Reading your post does not read as a marriage that God had intended marriage to be.  It's ok to leave it.

If you can get the book, "Splitting" by Bill Eddy, it will help as you navigate the family court with a narcisit. If you order it , make sure he doesn't know.  Online where he can not know or mailed to a different address .

Do the children know that you filed for divorce? 

[Azmama]

Thank you for reaching out to me. Yes I'm on a secure device. My cell has a locked pin code. Thanks for mentioning the book "Splitting" I did just order it yesterday to my Kindle. Of course I need to hit the home Burton before I turn it off as he will no doubt snoop to see what book I'm on. Yes the children do know. The goal was to tell them together but he continues to fight this process. I'd rather the kids hear from me than delay further. From what I've read so far seems being "nice" will only come back to haunt me. I can no longer be passive to keep peace... .I need to be firm... .

As we are still under the same roof I'm continuing to do as I've always done. Family dinner will be the hardest on thr kids I think. Other than that time they do not spend much time with him. He might be home but is distracted with computer or books. He calls it his "research".

Trying to stay in present moment. Seems you never know when things will take a turn

[whirlpoollife]

As for joint bank accounts, you need to take half and put it in a seperate account of your own.  He might be researching that himself online.

This will give you some money for the legal system and to get a start on your own when you are officially

separated. 

Do you have your own L (lawyer)?

Getting a small storage locker might be a good idea too. To store financial paperwork. For legal paperwork for any journels you have written or sentimental items. Much is online but from a long marriage much is on paper.  Don't think he won't touch anything.

I had assured the kids when I told them that dad and I are going to divorce, they would still see their dad. I assured xh that he would still see the kids as it was I who wanted the divorce. In return , he filed for full custody and turned the kids to hate me because I was mental, crazy , horrible for breaking the family apart etc.  I was so careful to not say anything bad about their dad ,  that when they heard him say how bad I was they immediately felt bad for him.    So be prepared that can happen.

Dinners... .I did not sit down with him at dinner after I filed. But I had food for him, then I asked myself why am I doing that for him.  Same with his laundry.  Same with cleaning "his " bathroom. Same with him telling me to buy his beer. I no longer had to do these everyday tasks.  I took care of the kids only.

This deregulated him more as it turned into me standing up for me. How dare I do that to him.

Sleeping with him still... .is there anywhere in the house you can sleep ?  The couch became my security away from my Xh.  ( even though he would come out of his bedroom , stand over me to pick a fight . I later realize that he was doing this to record me on his phone)

The members here have helped me thru and still do. So ask anything as you go through the divorce process.   Like what to expect when you go to the courthouse for custody and then settlement , and then support if there is any.

A motto I had was that the hardest thing I ever did was divorce, the best thing I ever did was divorce. 

[ugghh]

Azmama, first of all welcome to the forums.  I am about 2 years out from the beginning of the divorce from my uBPDw, now ex.  At the time our kids were 16,18,20. 

More than anything else, I would encourage you to keep coming to these forums.  In the pages here you will find many who have walked the path you are about to embark upon.  You will also find a wealth of knowledge about what you might expect in the coming months. You have have taken a great first step to begin recovering your life.

Regarding what your stbx or his family says, I suggest that you ignore it - focus on controlling what you can and making the best of a difficult situation for yourself and your kids. For your safety and sanity, I highly encourage you to find a place in the house that you can secure as your own, including having locking door that only you have the key to.  By continuing to sleep next to him you are sending a mixed message.  Also I am going to post below a short list of advice that I have compiled from this board and other sources.  I urge you to read it carefully and consider how it might apply in your situation.  As Whirlpoollife alluded to, your husband will most likely dysregulate worse as the process goes on.  Like many of us you have spent years taking care of everyone's needs but your own - this is the time to focus on taking care of yourself so that you are in position to be there for your kids.

LIST OF THINGS TO CONSIDER WHEN DIVORCING A BPD

1) Get a therapist for yourself.  Not a marriage counselor, but someone whose job is to help you get your head on straight in this incredibly stressful time. 

2) Get an experienced divorce/family law attorney.  This is also not a job for new attorney. If you interview an attorney and he or she says they always settle and you will not need to go to court, that is not the attorney for you.

3) Be prepared for the false restraining order,false child abuse accusations & Parental Alienation.  This is a very common reaction from the BPD playbook. 

4) Get a digital audio recorder or two.  You should never be around your stbx without a recorder running. 

5) Don’t be afraid to tell family and friends.  Too often we try to hide what is happening in our relationship from a sense of embarrassment, pride or fear.   

6) Have an emergency escape plan.  This often dovetails with beginning to reach out to family and friends.   In many states if there is a domestic violence complaint, one of the parties is leaving the house for the night.  Even if you are innocent it could be you. 

7) Videotape the house.  There is a very real possibility that your stbx will lock you out/ destroy things/ sell things, etc

8) Document, document, document - If you have kids, you are likely their best connection both to reality and stability in the chaos of the BPD.  Once of the best tools at your disposal costs nothing but a bit of your time.  A simple journal of what you do for your kids each day.  If you can add pictures and mementos, even better. 

9) Don’t take legal advice from your stbx.  You may find yourself at the end of a stream of threats from your stbx about what the courts are going to do when they report all your transgressions.   Tune it out. 

10) Don’t expect the process to be cheap or fast.  Remember that pwBPD usually feel very entitled and in fact if you quiz them they often have a very distorted sense of what it really costs to live. 

11) Take action to separate your finances.  Redirect your pay into an account into which only you have access.  Cut off joint credit cards.  This does not mean stop paying the bills, it simply means you control how they are paid.

12) Avoid face to face or telephone communications whenever possible.  pwBPD live for the conflict of these and you have no documentation of what was said.  Email is always preferable.

13) Practice radio silence.  You communicate only about what issues are essential to get through the day, such as kid’s schedules, etc.  Your job is not to look out for your stbx.  Preferably via email.

14) Make copies of all important documents you may need and store them in a secure off-site location.

15) Do not expect a neutral playing field when dealing with custody evaluators, guardian at litem, friend of the court, etc.  Do not get drawn into bashing your stbx.  The goal is to show how involved you are with your kids. 

16) Don’t be in hurry, especially with a high functioning BPD.  Time provides a chance for you to document your pwBPD unstable behaviors, which they might hide over a short term.  The goal is not to have them diagnosed, but simply to show patterns of behavior.

[Azmama]

Thank you both very much for this information. Feels overwhelming but i can see it is vital to continue to take notes. I have on a few occasions had my phone recording convo after he was served and a few times since. Yes I have told the kids. They are upset but even my youngest understands why. He is13 and actually said he's happy to hear me speaking up more. He said it makes him feel like I'm speaking up for them too. My 15yo daughter is tied of the arguing and my oldest 17 gets it too.  My home is small and is still in disrepair... .so ina5 room house there isn't much room but i can go on the couch for now. Soon he will need to go on the couch till he moves out. He is trying to be super dad which my kids are annoyed by. They know it's just because of what's going on now. As far as money goes he has never been1 to put money in the bank, only enough to cover bills. Deposit enough to cover the bills and that's it. He has stashes of money... .I knew of 2 and yesi took my half. He was very angry. He said I violated his trust and betrayed him by taking HIS money. ... .I told him he's lucky I didn't take it all! No brownie points for me... .

Thank you for the advice. I will take note and make some changes.