Desperately Need Advice - Pregnant BPD Ex

[DeltaOne]

I'm new to the forum, just posted my introduction post after signing up.

I'm not even sure where to start.

My former fiance and I broke up about 4 months ago, me leaving after a few months of increasingly intense physical and mental abuse (standard hitting/scratching/breaking things, and worse, threats to harm me in my sleep and increasingly using her suicidal thoughts as a way to control my behavior/win arguments).

She was about 10 weeks pregnant when I left, we had just found out. Part of the reason I left is because it took her less than a week to start using the child as a weapon (telling me I couldn't be at doctors appointments when she was mad, telling me she was going to get an abortion because she couldn't raise a child in such a terrible relationship etc. and oscillating between this and extreme joy/loving behavior about us being a family). I realized things as they were would be a terrible environment for a child and something had to change.

Now getting closer to the due date (In about 3.5 months) I'm finally coming out of the fog and feeling stronger mentally and need to take steps to make sure my child is ok. I have a meeting scheduled with a lawyer but not for a few weeks and I'd like to be prepared as possible.

A few highlights post breakup:

- She has fairly consistently begged me to come back and give her another chance (despite frequently telling me she hated me and I made her suicidal and that she never wanted to see me again in the last few months of our relationship)

- She had some erratic test levels that were diagnosed as hyperthyroidism during the pregnancy, she uses this as an explanation for her behavior and insists that she's better now

- Our conversations frequently run the whole gamut of BPD-like behavior. She will beg me to take her back and apologize, call me a psychopath and accuse me of wanting our child to die, say she's worried about my mental health, say she's on bed rest and needs someone to help her around the house, say I should avoid certain parts of town because she has friends that think I'm awful and would beat me up on site, etc. etc. All in the same conversation

- She claims she was severely sexually assaulted just after Thanksgiving. She was very upset she couldn't spend Thanksgiving with me and my family, and the day I returned she texted/called me asking to pick her up at the hospital. I did and took her home and stayed with her until early morning hours (no sex, although she did want to). I'm not sure if I believe her or not because a lot of things do not add up. I've tried to be slow and measured about that though as I don't want to add to the trauma if it did actually occur (or be depicted as someone who doubts rape claims in court). Despite this she knows I'm skeptical (she reads me very well) and has accused me of being a monster for not believing her. Hoping to either catch the criminals that did it (as described by her it was a horrific experience and these men need to be behind bars) or get some clarity on the situation if it's a fabrication I hired a private investigator to look into it. He's convinced that the crime never occurred after pulling police records, talking to ambulance companies, and interviewing employees around the area it happened etc.

- On Christmas day she sent me a text message saying she was in the hospital losing the baby, she mentioned she was going to have to deliver the baby stillborn and it would take a few days, talked about conversations she had with the chaplin, asked me for help with funeral arrangements, said if I got there on time I could at least hold my child before the funeral, etc. What she didn't include was what hospital she was at. I tried to call her back 30 seconds after her last text to no answer. I texted her a few times asking where she was and no reply. After a while her phone was off and I heard nothing else for 48 hours. As you can imagine this was a very difficult few days. I called the emergency room in every hospital around the city we live in, got police to go check her apartment to see if she was there, reached out to a few of her closest friends, called her obgyn etc. Anything I could do to try to figure out what hospital my child was dying at. Yesterday she got back to me, said she was with a friend in another city and was at a hospital there, her phone had died and she was in distress/coping with the issues at hand and did all she could to get me information. The baby is ok (I think?)... .she says the heart rate is back up and there wasn't any diagnosis except just that she's under extreme stress. She begged me to come see her because she needs the father of her child to spend time with her after such a distressing event. She often tells me that the stress I'm putting her through by not being with her is going to cause her to miscarry (that I obviously want the child to die etc.). I repeated what my stance has been for awhile now, that I'm not comfortable spending time alone with her but that I would provide any help I could in other ways. This does not seem to help at all.

- I've been paying her rent, left her my car, and have given her close to 10 thousand dollars since I left for food and bills and baby expenses. I don't think she's mentally capable of supporting herself right now and I want to make sure my future child is in a safe place and that she doesn't have to stress about money at least during the pregnancy. I'm not sure what implications this will have in court... .and psychologically I realize it's enabling in a lot of ways, but I continually feel like providing resources to help my child trumps everything else. I have no idea what her living situation would be without my support, but I know it would be much much worse.

I'll stop there as I realize that's a lot, there is a lot to say and I feel a bit unfocused, perhaps people have suggestions about what I should focus on in my questions here to help zero in on where my priorities should be right now?

Thanks,

[Helen8]

My heart goes out to you. Such turmoil for you and a very complex issue... .

I would probably do the same as you and continue to provide support because of the baby, while distancing yourself emotionally from her. Over time you can adjust that support if necessary, but sadly she will probably always try to use the baby as emotional blackmail.

[Sentry13]

I'm sorry to hear this. I'm going thru almost the same thing. My ex fiancé  is pregnant also and about the same time frame. She's done all of that threatening abortion telling me I wasn't allowed to see my child or go to appointments. The only difference was mine filed false abuse charges. We where actually trying to work things out for the baby and everything was good till last night when she punched me in the face on the highway. Watch yourself they are volotile without the extra pregnancy hormones.

[DeltaOne]

I'm considering filing a restraining order, but I'm worried about what that will lead to (both in terms of impact on future custody disputes and just the reaction it will cause in her).

So yesterday she held me hostage on the phone at work. What I mean by that is, every time I tried to get off the phone she threatened to either file a restraining order, call police and tell them a story so they'd show up at my work, or actually come to my work and demonstrate outside (she said she'd bring a sign that said "Pregnant and homeless because of DeltaOne at [my company], please help." This last threat seems especially crazy because I am paying for her apartment and car and have been giving her money for food/baby items, I'm literally the only reason she's not homeless right now).

I've been trying to be better about boundaries and I told her that I had to go to a meeting and just hung up. She started calling our secretary and telling her if she didn't put me on the phone right away she was going to send police to the office. I work at a small, but very high powered and reputable firm in my field, our head of HR is now consulting with our lawyer about what steps to take and I had to talk to my boss about what's going on. He's being supportive but I'm very worried about developing a poor reputation at work.

I'm considering filing a restraining order of my own now but I feel like I don't know enough about what doing that will lead to in order to feel comfortable yet. I have a meeting with a lawyer next week, but that feels like too far away (tough to get someone good over the holidays). If anyone has any advice about this I'd really appreciate it.

[Sentry13]

Again very sorry to hear about your situation. Its hard to go thru these kinds of things. Mine also would pretty much have been homeless for the last year if it wasn't for me but shows absolutely no appreciation for anything g I've done. The false accusations are a horrible thing to have to deal with going through that myself only mine have resulted in an actual court case. I would say you probably can't record the conversation but maybe if you can find someone you trust and maybe put it on speaker phone so someone else knows what's going on.

[Duck_Borders]

Make sure you have records of the support payments and make sure you clarify to her that it's temporary support to help her through a transitionary period.  I did a similar thing and now in family court my ex is denying over $20,000 worth of financial support I gave her to ensure my unborn child was in a safe environment. 

Also worth noting, be careful how much you give her.  She will not stop.  She will suck you dry of every penny she can until she's making terrible false accusations against you in court when you're trying to save your kid. 

Stay strong.  I've found maintaining a healthy diet and exercise during my BPD nightmare has been extremely helpful.  Also started meditating.  I'm using my nightmare to make me a stronger and better person once this is all over. 

Most importantly - KEEP CALM under every circumstance.  Never give her a reaction.  And read the book splitting.