New Here

[khaki]

My 19 yr. old daughter was diagnosed BPD last spring. (almost a relief!) She's been seeing a therapist but I think she need a much more intensive program. We live in Southern Mississippi and I am having the hardest time finding a place for her age group. She had another "episode" yesterday that started because she dropped her cell phone in the toilet and ended with her cutting herself on the legs and forearm. I should have taken her to the hospital for stitches but was afraid of what she may do in the car. I'm at my wits end!

Oh, I should mention that I am married (25 years) and have a 13 year old daughter also. Funny how that was an after thought... .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi khaki,

Welcome and hello  

I'm sorry for what brings you here but glad you found the site. Is your daughter accepting her BPD diagnosis?

It's difficult to watch our kids react with such intensity to problems that can be solved. For people who struggle to regulate their emotions, there is a lot of psychological pain going on and not a whole lot of coping skills. My son has one of the biggest dysregulations he has had in almost year, and I tried something his psychiatrist recommended. I said, "You probably really need to get this anger out." Previously, I would be thinking "how can this kid be dysregulating over losing a video game?" The anger over the thing is not what he's angry about, though. The psychiatrist said the difference between shame and toxic shame is, "I screwed up" (shame) and "I am a screw-up" (toxic shame). So when my son does something wrong, he immediately goes to toxic shame "I am a screw-up." That's what the anger is about, his own confirmation that he's a bad person.  :'(

There's a really good book called BPD in Adolescence by Blaise Aguirre (2nd edition) that has a very helpful section about cutting and self harm, and this site also has some information that might be useful:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Self injury and self harm

People can cut to feel something because they are so psychologically NUMB.  *OR* they can cut because there is such a bottleneck of so much psychological pain that it RELEASES some of that pain.  And maybe that goes back and forth from day to day in an individual. There are "better" things to do - like rub ice on your wrists, or pop a rubber band on them... .You can read more here... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70493.0

I recommend learning about validation and trying that with your daughter. It can have an immediate effect, although I seem to keep learning and learning and learning about it. That's essentially what the psychiatrist was trying to tell me, to validate my son's anger and try to ease off the gas when I see him overreacting to something. It's human nature to want to comfort our kids and tell them it's going to be ok. Kids with BPD, though, want to know that their feelings are valid, because they're in such emotional pain. They want to know that someone understands how they feel.

[Thursday]

Oh, I should mention that I am married (25 years) and have a 13 year old daughter also. Funny how that was an after thought... .

Glad you are aware of this irony. When we are under the stress of dealing with a loved one with BPD it's easy to forget what we have... .

I know this because I've been there, done that... .

but one of the ways my family began to heal from all of the angst of BPD was to be aware of what we missed while we stewed in the BPD pot. It is a positive step to taking care of self to cherish all that is still good (even when we are upset with the behaviors and problems caused by BPD).

I don't know if one of the things I did to help BPDSD to move away from cutting can help others- I would ask her to place our hands on each other's hearts and get quiet and still so we could feel each other's hearts beating. Of course we had a lot of "fights" about this in the moment but I would ask her to give it a try when I saw her in distress and didn't judge her need to cut. I asked her to just try to give something else a chance first.

We just recently discussed this when I asked her if she still cuts (she hasn't cut in over a year- says she doesn't know if she has quit this forever but maybe she has)- I asked her if she thinks the "heart beat sharing" helped her and she said that it allowed her to accept a loving touch when she was thinking only of her own distress and self-loathing. To feel my heart beating meant she wasn't alone (abandoned) because I was willing to sit with her and stop my life and any conversation for a moment. (anything to shut-up Thursday!- I am too much the lecturer and philosopher).

I also tried a lot of stuff that didn't work     


Thursday

[madmom]

Thank you Thursday for sharing the touching story of the heart beat.  Wow, I love that you showed your child how much you loved them so simply and deeply. 

[khaki]

 

Thank you Ladies for your replies.

Happy New Year  

I'm so glad to be here and to read your advise. I'm a research junkie! I look forward to all I can learn here. Unfortunately, I am no typist so my replies and questions may be short. haha. This is such a welcoming group and I look forward all that it has to offer.