I want to stay but can't fix what I did not break.

[pineapple78]

Well I'm struggling more than ever. My wife has not been diagnosed but I don't have much faith that she will. I only hear my wife's reports on what her psychologist is telling her which so far according to her is "I don't think you have it". I'm not sure what to believe anymore though as I don't feel I can trust anything my wife says now. She initially though perhaps sub consciously used the psychologist to manipulate our situation so she could embark on an affair which has made things extremely difficult for me to cope with. She went into the psychologist with an agenda according to the psychologist for a trial separation which she then used to excuse the affair. The psychologist is no longer seeing us as a couple because of my wife's actions so I don't have any support of my own again.

Anyway since I have tried to forgive her but it's very hard. I find I can't talk with her anymore, I just don't have anything to say. She has depression now though I think part of that is also playing the victim at times. So even though she is upset and down and feels hurt that I think she has BPD, she focuses on that I think rather than the possibility of a better happier life.

Christmas has been tough. My wife has ostracised my family and harbours a lot of resentment for family reactions to her own inappropriate behaviours. I can see that my family love and care for her and are doing their best to understand but after my wife sent an offensive message to my sister upon hearing she got engaged, my sister responded with "you need to get help". So now my wife thinks I've told them about BPD which I haven't. So have been spending Christmas with her family whom have all told her they think there is nothing wrong with her and that I'm a bad person for thinking there is something wrong. Of course all because she does not show it to them. On the way home from church with just me in the car my wife broke into a small rage because she was angry her father is so nice to everyone in public after the abuse she grew up with at home and her mum for suggesting we have a Christmas roast and sandwiches for lunch which she thought was outrageous for Christmas Day. She referred to them both as "selfish f-wits" (sorry for the language and she would never say that in front of her parents) and proceeded to drive dangerously in anger at someone whom she felt cut in front of us at a round about. At this point I had to plead with her to slow down.

So I feel unwelcome by her family, unwanted and betrayed by her and like I'm the bad guy even though I'm trying to simply help for a better life for my wife. I don't have much hope this Christmas and feel quite lonely. Not sure what I should be doing anymore. Perhaps if her mum could see this side of her daughter she would understand but I'm the only one privileged enough to see this rage.

I miss my wife's love.

Probably just needed to vent here.

[Turkish]

The road rage sounds scary. I recall a few incidents of this. Another time, she told me that she took a roundabout way home because someone she had flipped off was following her 

It may be that her mum does know this side of her daughter, but that she has coped, and may be in denial. Thsvis her daughter after all.

Despite two kids, I wasn't married, but I can relate to the betrayal and denial of her issues and actions. Do you see a path her to go forward, or does it feel like a brick wall? Have the lessons to the right helped at all?

Turkish

[unicorn2014]

Hi pineapple that's very rough and I'm sorry you're going through that. Do you have any other kind of support other then the psychologist that didn't work out for your wife?

[pineapple78]

Hi pineapple that's very rough and I'm sorry you're going through that. Do you have any other kind of support other then the psychologist that didn't work out for your wife?

It's complicated but yes I have someone to see if I need it though a bit difficult over Christmas.

And yes Turkish! I've been through all the lessons etc, read many books too. Theory and practice are two very different things and neither can prepare you for some of the difficult situations where there is no helpful answer. It does feel like a brick wall at the moment with little hope for me of things getting better. She was flipping back and forth between denial and acceptance but more recently it's been leaning towards denial, playing the victim to protect herself from the judgement of her family for her affair actions while painting me as the evil husband that's accused her of being mentally ill so I can somehow manipulate her in the relationship. Even painting me with her mum as being chronically depressed as some kind of splitting/protection mechanism to defer attention from the BPD issue with her. That's not to say I have not had some situational depression as a result of the situation of course.

I'm not sure at what point I give up. I love her, made the decision to be her partner in life ten years ago now. I'd rather fix a problem and move forward than cut out a section of my life with her and delegate it as having no meaning and starting over. Too many good memories and a great partnership to abandon it, yet I'm not sure she is capable of moving forward ever. It may be impossible to fix what has happened and I feel unable to do anything to fix it anyway. It really seems to be up to her now.

[Turkish]

Not to sound like a book or a lesson, but can you back off from "you've got issues" or "yourevmentally ill" and validate her feelings of the moment?

In my past r/s, I thought I was supporting my ex who knew she had major issues, but I triggered the shame she already felt: "I know I'm 'sick' but I feel like you're throwing my 'sickness' in my face." Shame: acting out behaviors. I thought I was helping 

[pineapple78]

Not to sound like a book or a lesson, but can you back off from "you've got issues" or "yourevmentally ill" and validate her feelings of the moment?

Of course and I've been trying to do that but it's hard to validate feelings when expressed to make ones self seem like the victim. Not that I blame my wife for her struggles, it's not her fault.

[pineapple78]

Should also mention that I don't talk about it unless she brings it up and asks me something.

[ProKonig]

I'm not expert but I feel like you haven't set strong enough boundaries for yourself.

My partner knows I would just be gone if she cheated. I made that explicitly clear when she asked me my attitudes on cheating. She's Japanese and I live in Japan, it's perfectly normal here for husbands to go cheat as long as they never admit it and keep it secret. Also it must never be brought into the home and disrupt the 'harmony' of the house. Wives treating their husbands like ___ (even without BPD) is perfectly fine though, oddly!

Anyway, cheating issues aside, which realistically can of course be forgiven; dangerous behaviour must be a line in the sand I feel. I think if I was exposed to dangerous driving due to mental illness I would have probably demanded the car was stopped and I would have got out and left. If you don't highlight the boundaries properly surely it will start to seep into the general 'acceptable' behaviour of the relationship?

We can still have empathy, love and a desire to help with everything we do... .but I feel we all tolerate too much sometimes. Protect yourself emotionally and physically from her illness. You already have depression and you're being painted as the enemy within. Boundaries. Put a plan in place to deal with severe boundary breaking.

I knew a boundary was going to be broken about a month before it happened. Doing everything I could to validate, love and support but it just kept escalating and occurring more and more frequently. I slowly and casually shifted stuff out of her apartment to my own, called her friend and informed her of everything. I let her friend know I expected something dramatic to happen soon and I may need her to look out for my partner (from a suicide point of view). After the past few time I realised I couldn't be the rescuer for the suicide threats. It's a powerful and disturbing tool to get your sympathy and attention. I had to remove myself from that cycle.

So anyway, a few weeks later, after the 6th meltdown in a single weekend she snapped, trashed her apartment and went for some scissors, threatened herself or me (it wasn't clear). Boundary crossed. I walked and she understood why after many tears and battling to stop me leaving. Her friend is making sure she gets help. I can't be responsible for her therapy, as you say... .it's shaming for them. Anyway... .things are improving now, she's getting help and is showing her best face to me when we see each other. She needs time, routine and realisation there are boundaries that cannot be crossed for a relationship to function for the good of both people. If she can't do that, so be it. We can only control the boundaries and our own actions. It's up to her to acknowledge the irrationality of her behaviour and make an effort to correct. We can only draw attention to that unreasonable behaviour by having strong boundaries. Weak boundaries normalise the behaviour.

Put a plan in place to walk away (not end the relationship), you need a safe place to enforce your boundaries. Just a suggestion. Only you can know if you think that'll work for you. I'm sorry you're going through this. Sometimes it's just about experimenting with strategies... .god knows how many pieces of 'good-looking' advice I've followed that haven't had the desired affect.

All the best!

[pineapple78]

Yes I agree and today I have left her. I've had enough. Spent the last couple days setting up her new notebook and transferring her phone to it only to see a nude of her and a whole bunch of portraits of her grouped together from different times in our life as though she was setting up a dating profile. Even shots from our honeymoon. I told her I had seen them but didn't bother asking about them as I figured she would just lie. No answer from her I can believe anymore. Anyway I decided to find out the truth on my own and copied some files from her phone only to find she did have a full blown affair and appears still infatuated with the guy writing to him as soon as a couple days ago all while stringing me along. I feel like I have wasted so much of my life being there for her. She has also spoiled the good memories of my youth with her (we were high school sweethearts).

I'm tired of trying to fix things she keeps breaking then making it seem like she is the victim and I'm in the wrong. Hell I even get in trouble for spying on her though it was the only way to hear the truth.

Well if she wants to fix the mess she has made of our lives it will be up to her. I'm done, had enough. I've wasted enough of my life now.

Ps... .She was setting up a dating site profile btw.

[Aussie0zborn]

Congratulations.

What strategies do you have in place to keep yourself from going back?

[pineapple78]

Congratulations.

What strategies do you have in place to keep yourself from going back?

I'm not sure if I'm strong enough not to go back. However in my mind I have decided she needs to make a pretty life changing effort to show she is remorseful and willing to do what ever it takes to prioritise trying to repair what damage she can or I'm going to have to leave. On top of that she is going to have to commit to seriously getting help asap. And she is going to have to work out what to do about it on her own. I can't solve this for her anymore. Perhaps an impossible task for someone with BPD but I need to start thinking about moving forward in my life. I just hope I have the strength as I have lost most of myself in supporting her and will be very lost.