Time's up. Talk me through the next steps.

[flourdust]

Married 12 years to dBPDw. Her behaviors began deteriorating six years ago as life stresses mounted, and then got markedly worse after a brain injury three years ago. Most of her behaviors (blame, rages, push/pull, dysregulation, cognitive distortions) are directed at me, with some overspill toward our D10.

She was diagnosed earlier this year and has been in DBT for nine months with no improvement to our home life. She sees a psychiatrist and individual therapist and is on multiple medications. We also see a marriage counselor.

I gave myself a deadline of early January to see if there would be improvement or if I would get a divorce. I have tried boundaries, validation, SET, and other tools/techniques recommended here. I've read Stop Walking on Eggshells, Stop Caretaking the Borderline, Splitting, and more. Boundaries work, in the sense that I can limit my exposure to raging and verbal abuse by leaving the situation, but they haven't reduced the frequency of her behaviors. Validation, SET, and the like have had no effect at all.

Just over the past three days, I logged 9 conflicts (initiated by her) that resulted in dysregulation, not counting aggressive texts and emails. There were also 13 emotional conflicts with D10, 5 suicide threats, and 2 threats to move out. I have had to enforce a boundary by leaving twice and twice had to remove D10 from an unsafe situation.

This is not salvageable. It is time to get myself and my daughter out of this situation. I am re-reading Splitting, and my T also gave me some referrals for attorneys. What else should I be thinking about and doing? My hope is to be able to get things in order quickly so that I can ask for a divorce within the next few weeks.

[sweetheart]

Hello flourdust,

Can you copy and paste your post into legal and family as well ? That way you can maximise the advice and support you will get.

What do you expect re custody of your daughter are you wanting full custody given the pervasiveness of her mothers illness ?

Have you kept records etc of all that has gone on, do professionals know how unstable your wife is despite their and your best efforts ?

[flourdust]

Thanks for the suggestion, sweetheart. I'll cross-post to the legal/custody board.

My hope would be for full physical custody of my daughter, or at least an uneven split that gives me primary custody. I don't want to cut BPDw out of her life, but I want to keep her in a stable environment where she can receive good parenting. I'm open to the idea of joint custody for decision-making (I don't recall the legal term for this). However, I haven't spoken with any attorneys about this yet, so I don't have ANY idea about what is realistic.

I have extensive records. There is my journal, emails, texts, and medical records. I have records of emotional affairs she has had, but that was many years ago, so probably not relevant. She has multiple diagnoses, including BPD, anxiety, depression, and TBI. Again, without legal advice, I don't know which professionals I should call on -- if we discount both my therapist and her therapists as seeing only one side of the situation, there's our daughter's therapist and our MC -- both have a pretty objective view of this.

[sweetheart]

You sound as though you have kept things in order which is good for you and your daughters wellbeing. What plans do you have re living arrangements? Are you prepared for things to get much worse once you ask for the divorce, what contingency plans ( living, financial, childcare etc ) could you make in the event of your w's behaviour deteriorating?

How are you flourdust in all of this, it is still a big decision even though your personal circumstances left you no choice (IMO) especially where your child was involved. I think you have made the right decision for what it's worth. 

[Moselle]

Flourdust.

I am so sorry for your difficult decision. It a heart wrenching one to make.

My advice is get everything in order

- Settlent agreement

- Finances, what you will offer her. Make sure she has a car and a roof.

- Parenting plan.

What you want is for her to sign as quickly as possible.

Mine went almightily bezerk. Because I was still busy trying to save it.

Learn from my lesson... .Please?

Have every I dotted,,every T crossed

[Lucky Jim]

Hey flour dust, I have been in your shoes and admire your resolve.  Of course her behaviors are directed at you, because you are the closest target.  Rages, suicide threats, acting out, drama: these are all quite familiar behaviors to me, sad to say.

What is the preferred path for you?  Move out?  Stay?  Your D is a priority, I understand.  Do you see a T?  You need to retain an attorney to walk you through the legal process.   Do you have friends and family that you can turn to for support?  It's rough sledding, I know, but it leads to greater happiness.

We are here to help and many of us have been down this path before you.

LuckyJim

[flourdust]

Wow, lots of good questions and advice. Thank you!

You sound as though you have kept things in order which is good for you and your daughters wellbeing. What plans do you have re living arrangements? Are you prepared for things to get much worse once you ask for the divorce, what contingency plans ( living, financial, childcare etc ) could you make in the event of your w's behaviour deteriorating?

My preference is to keep the house -- for D10 and I to live there going forward, if our financial situation will permit it. In the shorter term, I'm open to sharing the house with my wife until the divorce is finalized or she moves out, but that's dependent on the domestic situation not deteriorating to the point where anyone's safety is threatened.

I have some ideas about what I might do to quickly arrange for child care if my wife leaves -- just a few leads I can explore. I haven't reached out to them yet.

My wife can't do much to affect my finances. I'm the only person earning income in the family. She could clean out our savings, I suppose, which would be inconvenient, but I'd still be drawing a paycheck to cover expenses.

How are you flourdust in all of this, it is still a big decision even though your personal circumstances left you no choice (IMO) especially where your child was involved. I think you have made the right decision for what it's worth. 

Thank you for that. As for me, I'm nervous, scared, determined, frightened, impatient, anxious, focused ... .you name it.

My advice is get everything in order

- Settlent agreement

- Finances, what you will offer her. Make sure she has a car and a roof.

- Parenting plan.

What you want is for her to sign as quickly as possible.

Mine went almightily bezerk. Because I was still busy trying to save it.

Learn from my lesson... .Please?

Have every I dotted,,every T crossed

Yes -- good advice. I've done a rough inventory of our possessions, assets, and debts, so I have a vague idea of how I'd like to split things. I'll need a lawyer to go through that with me and help me adjust it to whatever is reasonable and legal. My thought is to buy out her share of the equity in the house, which along with splitting up other assets will give her enough of a nest egg to find a place for herself and support herself long enough to get a job. I'd rather not have to pay maintenance, but I can deal with time-limited maintenance if that's seen as necessary. We have two cars, both paid off by me, and she can keep hers as part of the settlement.

I'm still thinking about what the parenting plan might be. I'm thinking something like a 75-25 split, which would give her plenty of contact with our daughter but hopefully minimize the damage she can do. (I think having limited time together also makes it less likely that she'll act out.)

What is the preferred path for you?  Move out?  Stay?  Your D is a priority, I understand.  Do you see a T?  You need to retain an attorney to walk you through the legal process.   Do you have friends and family that you can turn to for support?  It's rough sledding, I know, but it leads to greater happiness.

My goal is to stay -- the house is really my dream house, and I'd rather not lose it. If it comes down to daughter vs. house, I'll choose my daughter, of course. I have a therapist, who has given me some references for attorneys who are familiar with high-conflict divorce and BPD. I have to make some calls tomorrow to set up initial consultations. I have one close friend who I've confided in, and I'll probably widen that circle as this becomes public. My parents (and oddly enough, her mother) are both very familiar with the situation and supportive of me. My parents have offered me financial support, which I'd rather not take advantage of, but I appreciate the offer.

Deep breaths -- deep breaths --

[Moselle]

I'm with Lucky Jim here.

Draw.on this community  for support.and advice.

It sounds like you are well prepared already.

Just  be aware that the possibility exists for her to go positively ape  when you tell her. The fear of abandonment starts to burn like they have never felt before and anything is possible from Fake domestic violence claims (my wife has done 3), sexual abuse claims ( my wife has done it),  taking the children and running (mine packed the house kids dogs everything and moved 1200km away whilst i was away on business), death threats ( on three occasions)

I know it is stressfull,  I never dreamed these things possible from my formerly sweet, pleasing bride, but plan contingencies for a dangerous uncooperative environment. I saw you've read "Splitting". Thats an excellent resource.

You mentioned her supportive mother. Divorce does some strange things to your support group and its likely that these dynamics change quite drastically.

I know it's hard to do because of the emotional investment,  but try to treat this as a project with goals, milestones and desired outcomes. Write a project plan, with risk mitigation strategies,  sources of personal support. This helped me tremendously to de-personalise it, once the process started.

All the best. The great thing about preparedness is that you still have the option to cancel right up to the end if you have a change of heart. But you're prepared for the worst

All the best,

Moselle

[Aussie0zborn]

Congratulations on your resolve and making a positive move. 

I would think that getting legal advice right now is a major priority. Please do so before saying anything.

How do you intend to get her out of the house and keep your child with you? These things are not normally as simple as asking them to leave. She could easily call the police and claim you assaulted her in which case you won't be allowed in the house with a restraining order against you. Applying for custody when you're outside of the family home and have allegations of assault  against you is more difficult than you can imagine and probably even futile.

If you are worried about her draining your joint account, why not change it so it needs two signatories for withdrawals or maybe even drain the account yourself an hour before you announce separation and then give her 1/3 (the other 1/3 equal shares being for you and your daughter)?

My ex siphoned anywhere up to $120,000 and I'm told I'm unlikely to get my half of that money when we do settlement. Once the money is gone, it's gone. It's as if to say, "well you let it happen, don't expect us to fix it".  Prevention is better than cure.

Be prepared and expect the unexpected just so that you are covered from every angle. Good luck.

[Moselle]

Let me echo that. Mine shut me out of the house just like AussieOzborn described. She went to social services and said I was dangerous to the children. That was it. They gave her primary care just on her say so.

I was out of the house with no clothes, nothing and away from the children. When I got back in with a court order. She moved out with the children and filed a DV charge against me. Don't be on the back foot like this. It takes months and alot of money to get back on equal terms.

My suggestion (check this with your lawyer) would be to leave the house with the child and go to an appartment. Apply immediately for interim primary care with social services based on the evidence you have. (If you dont, she likely will) And negotiate later about getting the house back in the settlement deal. Trust me, sharing the house will not be an option with a pwBPD. Bargain on it being very ugly and then be grateful if it doesn't get that bad.

[flourdust]

Well, if it does get that bad, I will get D10 and myself out of the house or get her removed. I'm not going to pre-kick myself out of my house, though. That seems like shooting myself in the foot.

[Moselle]

How do you think you might get her out of the house? Does she have a hobby? I was trying to get mine to fly abroad and follow a photography course that she always wanted to do. Gives you time to arrange something.

Rent a place and put all her stuff in it.

[flourdust]

How do you think you might get her out of the house? Does she have a hobby? I was trying to get mine to fly abroad and follow a photography course that she always wanted to do. Gives you time to arrange something.

Rent a place and put all her stuff in it.

I'm not sure we're on the same page. My best case scenario is that we co-exist in the same house until she chooses to move out during the divorce proceedings or I buy her out of her share of the house in the settlement.

Of course, I haven't had the same level of malicious experience you guys have had -- if false accusations and other sabotage are occurring, that would change things.

[Moselle]

I'm not sure we're on the same page. My best case scenario is that we co-exist in the same house until she chooses to move out during the divorce.

Sorry if it feels like we're in different places. I can only share my thoughts and experiences

This was my scenario too. I hoped she would leave, go on with her life, and that we could remain friends for the good of the children. It hasn't worked out that way for me. I hope it goes much easier for you.

I wish you all the best during a very difficult time.

Sincerely,

Moselle

PS. I've spent far more money on legal fees than the cost of buying her a brand new car and renting a house for her. With the benefit of hindsight. That's what I would do. It would have been cheaper for me.