uBPDd sides with UBPDdad against me

[nona]

she is only 13

I have been struggling to hold a peaceful home so dd has a safe home EOW between her UBPD dad and myself.

she is acting more and more like him

its like they have a smear campaign against me.

st first aI thought she was just experiencing alienation

but now its more like she has painted me black along with her UBPDdad.

how long can this last?

play out?

does she still need me here blocks away?

what is the value of keeping joint custody of UBPD daughter when her and EX trying to destroy me?

can I really help her?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

There's no way to know how long she will engage in this splitting behavior. 

It's best to not engage in any behaviors that can be seen as retaliatory. We have some info to help you know how to respond to the alienation while validating her feelings.  Let us know what you think about this info and how we can help you develop a vocabulary of validation to help rebuild your relationship with your daughter.

Here's a link to that info:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

We also have a great deal of information on parental alienation and how to best handle the fallout:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.msg1331467#msg1331467

lbjnltx

[nona]

I can practice and improve my validation techniques, and mindfulness to us ethic.

I need practice ... how about this one... .

I have not seen her or talked to her in a week, although I have court orders for father to facilitate communication he has alienated her into now rejecting my calls during visitations with UBPDDAD.

She gets in the car from 1 week at dads and says "I m dying my hair black, I know you don't approve are not going to like it, and frankly I don't ___in care, cause if you don't let me do it, I will do it at dad's."

I was speechless, smiled and drove straight to the pharmacy to buy the dye at 19.00.

I smiled and LOVE that hair.

and it went downhill from there.

by the day before exchange back to dads.

I was so tired, so abused, so used and ignored. I forgot I cannot be honest, cannot even allow her to know of my disappointments, or she dysregulates and attacks with self harming and blaming me for it.

so she is coming tomorrow... .Im already on eggshells at moments, bewildered at moments, vacillating with feelings of peace and calm when I can detach and let go, at other moments which I am good at. Remember the love. Feel deep love and commitment to dd.


What I need to learn is the active parenting part, working the tools here with here, while she is actively trying to get away, like a normal teen.

But she is not a neurotypical teen I have raised plenty of. so how to remember?

I am single. isolated.

don't have a partner.

consider moving away myself to rally more personal support to retain my strength.

I worry about my ability to support her through this without enough support for myself and her !

how to rally more support for me?

[lbjnltx]

I can practice and improve my validation techniques, and mindfulness to us ethic.

I need practice ... how about this one... .

I have not seen her or talked to her in a week, although I have court orders for father to facilitate communication he has alienated her into now rejecting my calls during visitations with UBPDDAD.

She gets in the car from 1 week at dads and says "I m dying my hair black, I know you don't approve are not going to like it, and frankly I don't ___in care, cause if you don't let me do it, I will do it at dad's."

I was speechless, smiled and drove straight to the pharmacy to buy the dye at 19.00.

I smiled and LOVE that hair.

and it went downhill from there.

What caused you to go buy the hair dye if you were against the idea?  or was your daughter incorrect about you not wanting her to dye her hair?

by the day before exchange back to dads.

I was so tired, so abused, so used and ignored. I forgot I cannot be honest, cannot even allow her to know of my disappointments, or she dysregulates and attacks with self harming and blaming me for it.

It is very very tiring, it is very thankless being a parent to a teen girl... .much less a teen with traits of BPD.  There are constructive and empowering ways to communicate truth and honesty to our sensitive teen girls... .Supportive statements followed by Empathy statements and concluded with Truth statements.  It's referred to as SET and you can learn more about it here:

https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/04.htm

Often times our boundaries are our only source of protection.  What boundaries are in place to protect you from emotional/mental/physical abuse?

so she is coming tomorrow... .Im already on eggshells at moments, bewildered at moments, vacillating with feelings of peace and calm when I can detach and let go, at other moments which I am good at. Remember the love. Feel deep love and commitment to dd.


What I need to learn is the active parenting part, working the tools here with here, while she is actively trying to get away, like a normal teen.

But she is not a neurotypical teen I have raised plenty of. so how to remember?

I am single. isolated.

don't have a partner.

consider moving away myself to rally more personal support to retain my strength.

I worry about my ability to support her through this without enough support for myself and her !

how to rally more support for me?

You are wise to recognize that you can only give what you have nona.  You are wise to seek out much needed support and knowledge to help you help yourself so that you can help her.  This community is a great source of support and knowledge, additionally you can try to explore other resources:

Individual therapist

In person Support Group (Family Connections, NEA BPD)

Al Anon

Family

Friends

lbjnltx

[nona]

I pick my battles... clearly THAT battle at That time was not a good investment LOL.

She was correct and already has a pattern of bullying /lying to get her way.and I have been enabling her I am JUST REALIZING AS I TYPE. Swallow.

S.E.T I have read, practiced, but only to the point where; things improved, it was no longer needed, had a good spell. I forgot to use the tools and recognized she was/is escalating and I need the tools... .which are not yet habit, nor reinforced in my daily life yet.


I still need to make SET A PRIORITY, AND practice it.

any pointers?

validation snd SET.

[unicorn2014]

she is only 13

I have been struggling to hold a peaceful home so dd has a safe home EOW between her UBPD dad and myself.

she is acting more and more like him

its like they have a smear campaign against me.

st first aI thought she was just experiencing alienation

but now its more like she has painted me black along with her UBPDdad.

how long can this last?

play out?

does she still need me here blocks away?

what is the value of keeping joint custody of UBPD daughter when her and EX trying to destroy me?

can I really help her?

I think its great that you're here on this board. It took me until my daughter was 15.25 to write on this board.

I have full custody, my ex has an untreated disorder.

My d15 has engaged in some serious triangulation between her father and I. I'm trying to foster an alliance with him at this point because of the seriousness of her behavior (she ran away 4 times recently, and is still in the missing persons database as of this moment).

What kind of reading have you done in the parenting section?

I'm very new to this board myself, the book that I opened was parenting your out of control teenager.

[lbjnltx]

pointers?

Hit the pause button during any interaction.  Give yourself time to think, time to formulate a response.  Practice SET and validation in your interactions with others daily.  Don't give up on the skills if they don't get you the results you hope for right away or if you forget to use them each time.

Relationships are living things... .they ebb and flow, they evolve and change. 

One the greatest traps we fall into is black and white/all or nothing thinking just like our kids.  One "failure" doesn't mean all is doomed.  One "failure" doesn't mean the future can't look different than the past.  We have to leave room for hope of change in ourselves, our kids, our relationships with them.

lbj