I reflected on my own behaviour and admitted maybe I hadn't given her enough attention or support esp while we did long distance so said I would get back with her and we would work it out if she cuts down the partying and drinking, we worked on it but the partying and drinking didn't stop, every time she drank I would not hear from her until the next day ,then we would argue and not talk and she would then hound me saying how much she missed me and loved me.
"Partying and drinking" are likely very attractive to pwBPD because of their lack of impulse control and lack of appreciation for social boundaries. I would rather imagine that a "party atmosphere" is somewhat seductive to pwBPD because it validates their own actions and impulses. They can act on impulse in a party setting with no apparent penalty and thier validated by the notion that "everyone else is doing the same thing."
I can see why the "push / pull" would set in, too. You are tool that is useful to pwBPD to meet their emotional needs on their terms when they feel the need to meet needs. The party is also a tool used in the same way. As a math problem, it would look like P(arty) = needs met = (no need for other tool = abandon for sense of control before tool abandons me). Hard for nons to see logic in this, not hard for pwBPD. At work in all of this is pwBPD comparitive inability to refrain from taking action on impulses.
Mutual respect is a vital component of interpersonal relationships among physchologically whole individuals, whehter those relationships are romantic or plutonic in nature. While pwBPD have difficulty mastering their own immature emotions, they're generally pretty skilled at playing the emotions of others as a kind of tool of manipulation. I believe that is also part of their "push / pull" behavior, because another thing they're pretty masterful at is rapidly identifying people they think will meet their needs -codependents, people with a strong rescuer instinct, and so on. In plainer English, they're good at quickly identifying those whom they think will "put up with their c---p".
We spend the weekend together last month and she got an sms really late at night I asked who it was she said it was a female friend even though I could see it was a guy texting her, so I got up and left told her I was done and have barely spoken to her in a month, she has been hounding me with calls and texts.
Promiscuity and infidelity are pretty common themes in the instable relationships that pwBPD find themselves in over and over again. So is lying about it.
How do I move on... .
I'll be blunt: A strict no-contact (NC) policy would best be adopted, post-haste. Change your numbers immediately, if you have to in order to avoid responding to her "hounding with calls and texts." When you feel like you're loosing your resolve, pop a DVD of
Play Misty For Me in to whatever playback device you have on hand and ask yourself if you want to go through what Clint Eastwood's character does in that film.
... .and also will she ever realise she needs help?
Nobody can honestly answer that question. But you didn't give her BPD. No matter how hard you try, you can't make it go away for her.
From the reading I have done she has BPD, it's possible I have Codepenencys issues as well... .
It isn't just "possible," but highly likely. At the minimum, you likely have a strong "rescuer instinct." There's nothing wrong with having a strong rescuer instinct and I suspect that we're glad as a society that people in the public safety sector tend to have such an instinct as part of their personas. People who have it, however, are prone to confuse feelings of compassion with love.
... ., she's a great girl and I want her to be happy, she knows she has issues she thinks they are just daddy issues but won't do anything about it
Thanks sorry for going on too much!:)
A doctor can't heal a patient who doesn't want to heal. Likewise, we can't help associates, friends, and loved ones who don't want to be helped and / or refuse to recognize a need for help. That sucks, but the sucky-ness doesn't change the reality. Here's another sad reality: mental health professionals aren't always altogether keen about taking on pwBPD as patients, and they have their reasons. They're in a better position to "help" the disordered than a layperson "non" is and yet many would rather not "go there." Why? Because even clinicians sometimes find pwBPD to be emotionally and mentally draining and recongnize that one person can't solve the whole world population's problems.
It is good and noble to see greatness in others and it is good and noble to want others to be happy. Sometimes, though, ya' gotta look out for numero-uno. If you want to be happy, do yourself a favor and let her use one of those other fellas she has in her life to be her "knight in shining armor" that she can place on the pie-crust pedestal she can so easily make and break with equal ease.
Your first responsibility is to take care of yourself, not her very high and demanding emotional needs. So yeah, if you've resolved to cut this girl out of your life, I'd say you're doing the right thing from my position of living with a BPDw for 17 years.
