As the members from the undecided and coping boards know, I am taking a time out from my relationship while I wait for my
fiancé partner to
file for show me he filed for divorce. One of the books I checked out from the library to read during this time out is Keeping The Love you find by Harville Hendrix, recommended to me by a member of this board.
So far I've read chapter 1, what's wrong with being single and am in chapter 2, what's really going on in your relationships. I've read about what's really going on in your relationships, how we choose a partner based on our unconscious mind, how our ideas about what a partner should be keep us from talking to people that may be well suited to us, as well as how not knowing our own personal history limits our ability to connect to others.
I'm at the first exercise, the self knowledge inventory. That's interesting because I'm also working on my 10th step inventory in my ACA program.
My relationship history is not very diverse. I was a single adult for 2 years before I met my ex husband, I met him when I was 20. I had tried a round of recovery in Codependents Anonymous during those 2 years but apparently I didn't go deep enough and ended up marrying (and divorcing) an alcoholic who suffered from a mood disorder. Then I was single for 7 years before I met my current partner, who exhibits traits of a cluster B personality disorder. The therapist that I was working with for 7 years said I never really had a chance to date, which is kind of line with this book also says: that's important to have a period of your life devoted to being a single adult so you can get to know yourself and what kind of people are out there.
(I was a single parent for the 7 years I was single, which is very different then being a single young adult with no dependents)
Another thing that this book says which echoes what my 7 year therapist said is that there are certain things that can only be learned and worked out in a committed relationship. That is almost the exact same thing my therapist said to me. That therapist will be doing marriage counseling for my partner and I when he moves to my area, so I will be sure to tell him about this book!
So today I will be working on the self knowledge inventory.
It is interesting that in AA they say self knowledge avails us nothing.
I think alcoholism is a different problem then relationships.
It also interesting to note that the author said we define our singleness in relation to our relationships, which in my case would be divorced and
engaged taking a time out from my relationship.
I was only truly single for 2 years of my life, then I was married, then I was a single parent, and now I'm taking a time out from my relationship.
I agree with Dr. Laura who says postpone marriage until your 30 and have your education completed and your career established. When I married I was still in college and my daughter walked with me across the stage to get my diploma. That is generational, my mother dropped out of college before she had me, and didn't graduate until l was in high school, and my paternal grandmother got her degree at the same time as one of her daughters. I am hoping that I break that cycle with my daughter and that she gets her college degree before she either marries or has children (my parents did not get married until after I was born).
