dd13 BPD behaviours like father

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi Y'all

New to this board, Here is our History.

I have been on the other boards for 5 years off and on.

I Learned about BPD during our marital separation/divorce 5 years ago, here. After being in a crazy abusive marriage for 10 years, an extinction burst, the distortion campaign, parental alienation, email contact only for 5 years. I have hundreds of toxic defaming, false, crazy, abusive, accusing, threatening emails demonstrating BPDX's inability to communicate normally with me. Got one 2 weeks ago.

UBPDX is public figure and Good Old boys club is alive and well in this country. He has been protected at every turn in the divorce process.

we have Shared custody of DD then 8, now 13. Tons of alienation. DD13 tells BPD party line always.

So she's pretty traumatized.

Counselor jumping everyone diminishing my concerns, say Im overreacting etc. etc.

We Just Finished the parenting eval that I instigated to call bluff on the false accusations and smear campaign hoped to bring into light the psych history of XUBPDH.

The eval recommended dd13 stay in 50/50 residential time.

forensic psych told me at the end of the interview I would not get a diagnosis from his report on BPDX, I would have to take BPDX to trial and have the judge order his psych history.

My T reassures me " you have taken it to the farthest investigation you can without a trial, put the report in your pocket and wear it like a  badge."

I proved his accusations wrong , but they won't prove my accusations right, in the report but kept me here 50/50.

So dd13 must carry the burden.

for the last year I had made good progress with dd.

but lately she has escalated.

When she was little she was always different. I have grown kids from a previous (NORMAL) marriage. I am an experienced older mom.

She did not bond normally, I am trained about bonding. It was not normal.

She had sensory issues; misinterpreted facial expression OFTEN. Misinterpreted affectionate gentle touch with "Ouch, That hurts, you are hurting me ". No tags, no wool, no socks, no coats. no touching, or touching only on her terms. Turns away from kisses and hugs. I knew something was not normal, but BPDX would attack me any time I mentioned get her evaluated, I was concerned, worried, exhausted. BPDX Blamed me, said I was crazy, making things up, munchauschen mom, etc. etc. He always blocked care and he is a family doctor, Used his power to keep control.

She never had a fear of strangers.

Very strong willed, always knows what she wants.

Attracted to DRAMA and "the dark side" wanted bloody dagger tattoos at 3 yrs old.

age 3-6 Uncontrollable rages lasting hours till her and i were both completely exhausted, for no apparent reason.

only when daddy was gone.

ages 6-8 the tantrums were always on Friday when daddy was gonna be home for the weekend... .

3-4 hour tantrums I would have to restrain her to keep furniture from going through windows.

after the split it ESCALATED to threats of self harming and suicide, always "Mama's fault", always cause "Mama did something to her". She would throw herself into a wall and say "look what you just did to me". I documented like crazy, knowing ex was alienating her and threats to take custody for years. False accusations that I was dangerous to child protection agency. I was terrified the first couple years until I was away long enough for my nervous system to calm, I then learned that to be the best thing for daughter... .Me not getting triggered.

So for years I am healing myself from this damage, while he continues endless ambient abuse. I have been smeared and smeared, lost contact with MY adult child from BPDX's lies.

Now DD13 acts just like her father did when he was raging. I am the bad guy, everything is my fault. She makes up lies exaggerating mostly her being a victim of me. When her father was a Jurassic park style abuser! for her first 8 years.

She talks like a 30 year old barmaid. The last 2 times i greeted her for our week together, she climbs into the car and says the following:

"Im gonna dye my hair black tonight, and if you don't let me Ill just do it at dads, and if you don't like it, I don't give a f*** what you think, I know you will hate it, and try to keep me from it, but I will not let you."

or... ."My best friends mom says I can stay for her for 2 weeks anytime I am not comfortable with you"

these are her greeting words after not talking to me but maybe a couple times while at her dads. I am her loving mom who actually provides a safe sweet grounded, home. WITH BOUNDARIEs I might add.

I have worked on myself a lot. I was not using the tools at first. when I tried the tools they worked and calmed her tremendously.

I know the tools can work with anyone/everyone and are not diagnostic, but she responds well to validation.

But when we have a few months of smooth time, I forget to use the tools so carefully.

It feels and looks like she has her fathers illness.

Tonight she has triangulated another family to be her safe house from me... .because she is angry because I set a bOUNDary.

I cannot keep going this way without another reality check from this board.

Anybody relate?

Any ideas?

She will not be diagnosed. her father will control this ; she does have a counsellor I am allowed to email with my concerns.

Im planning my letter to her T. I will run the email by DD13 first , as a step to keep her calm state and feel in control.

this latest manipulation is one of many. She has ongoing dialog of major lies about me. tells people I am trying to force her to take psych meds? She pretends to be the "bad girl" . competing with her foster home friends as to who's family is craziest. etc.  I see this as the small stuff. hair dye is the small stuff, inappropriate clothing is the small stuff. It all becomes the small stuff with a kid this at risk, and all possible care coming to her being first screened and blocked

by her UBPDDAD.

It would probably take a suicide attempt or hospitalization from something awful to break through his control.

I do not trust him to not medicate her. I have also heard rumours he is medicating her. I just got her her own doctor who wants blood tests, i thought Id suggest a drug screen as she is smoking pot and stealing alcohol history. not looking for illicit drugs, but fear UBPDDAD could possibly be drugging her. he is serious deviant,he has no boundaries or self reflection, let alone empathy... .just an empty jug I tell ya !

SO I feel like I am rambling, and crumbling. I am extremely isolated with this. we are geographically isolated. I basically live the life of a hostage, Im over the stocklholm syndrome stage, the XUBPD is more like the boogyman under the bed, but am terrified for DD13, and myself in reality.

Understanding him was a booby prize, but now my baby, this is the worst.

[nona]

Hi Y'all

New to this board, Here is our History.

I have been on the other boards for 5 years off and on.

I Learned about BPD during our marital separation/divorce 5 years ago, here. After being in a crazy abusive marriage for 10 years, an extinction burst, the distortion campaign, parental alienation, email contact only for 5 years. I have hundreds of toxic defaming, false, crazy, abusive, accusing, threatening emails demonstrating BPDX's inability to communicate normally with me. Got one 2 weeks ago.

UBPDX is public figure and Good Old boys club is alive and well in this country. He has been protected at every turn in the divorce process.

we have Shared custody of DD then 8, now 13. Tons of alienation. DD13 tells BPD party line always.

So she's pretty traumatized.

Counselor jumping everyone diminishing my concerns, say Im overreacting etc. etc.

We Just Finished the parenting eval that I instigated to call bluff on the false accusations and smear campaign hoped to bring into light the psych history of XUBPDH.

The eval recommended dd13 stay in 50/50 residential time.

forensic psych told me at the end of the interview I would not get a diagnosis from his report on BPDX, I would have to take BPDX to trial and have the judge order his psych history.

My T reassures me " you have taken it to the farthest investigation you can without a trial, put the report in your pocket and wear it like a  badge."

I proved his accusations wrong , but they won't prove my accusations right, in the report but kept me here 50/50.

So dd13 must carry the burden.

for the last year I had made good progress with dd.

but lately she has escalated.

When she was little she was always different. I have grown kids from a previous (NORMAL) marriage. I am an experienced older mom.

She did not bond normally, I am trained about bonding. It was not normal.

She had sensory issues; misinterpreted facial expression OFTEN. Misinterpreted affectionate gentle touch with "Ouch, That hurts, you are hurting me ". No tags, no wool, no socks, no coats. no touching, or touching only on her terms. Turns away from kisses and hugs. I knew something was not normal, but BPDX would attack me any time I mentioned get her evaluated, I was concerned, worried, exhausted. BPDX Blamed me, said I was crazy, making things up, munchauschen mom, etc. etc. He always blocked care and he is a family doctor, Used his power to keep control.

She never had a fear of strangers.

Very strong willed, always knows what she wants.

Attracted to DRAMA and "the dark side" wanted bloody dagger tattoos at 3 yrs old.

age 3-6 Uncontrollable rages lasting hours till her and i were both completely exhausted, for no apparent reason.

only when daddy was gone.

ages 6-8 the tantrums were always on Friday when daddy was gonna be home for the weekend... .

3-4 hour tantrums I would have to restrain her to keep furniture from going through windows.

after the split it ESCALATED to threats of self harming and suicide, always "Mama's fault", always cause "Mama did something to her". She would throw herself into a wall and say "look what you just did to me". I documented like crazy, knowing ex was alienating her and threats to take custody for years. False accusations that I was dangerous to child protection agency. I was terrified the first couple years until I was away long enough for my nervous system to calm, I then learned that to be the best thing for daughter... .Me not getting triggered.

So for years I am healing myself from this damage, while he continues endless ambient abuse. I have been smeared and smeared, lost contact with MY adult child from BPDX's lies.

Now DD13 acts just like her father did when he was raging. I am the bad guy, everything is my fault. She makes up lies exaggerating mostly her being a victim of me. When her father was a Jurassic park style abuser! for her first 8 years.

She talks like a 30 year old barmaid. The last 2 times i greeted her for our week together, she climbs into the car and says the following:

"Im gonna dye my hair black tonight, and if you don't let me Ill just do it at dads, and if you don't like it, I don't give a f*** what you think, I know you will hate it, and try to keep me from it, but I will not let you."

or... ."My best friends mom says I can stay for her for 2 weeks anytime I am not comfortable with you"

these are her greeting words after not talking to me but maybe a couple times while at her dads. I am her loving mom who actually provides a safe sweet grounded, home. WITH BOUNDARIEs I might add.

I have worked on myself a lot. I was not using the tools at first. when I tried the tools they worked and calmed her tremendously.

I know the tools can work with anyone/everyone and are not diagnostic, but she responds well to validation.

But when we have a few months of smooth time, I forget to use the tools so carefully.

It feels and looks like she has her fathers illness.

Tonight she has triangulated another family to be her safe house from me... .because she is angry because I set a bOUNDary.

I cannot keep going this way without another reality check from this board.

Anybody relate?

Any ideas?

She will not be diagnosed. her father will control this ; she does have a counsellor I am allowed to email with my concerns.

Im planning my letter to her T. I will run the email by DD13 first , as a step to keep her calm state and feel in control.

this latest manipulation is one of many. She has ongoing dialog of major lies about me. tells people I am trying to force her to take psych meds? She pretends to be the "bad girl" . competing with her foster home friends as to who's family is craziest. etc.  I see this as the small stuff. hair dye is the small stuff, inappropriate clothing is the small stuff. It all becomes the small stuff with a kid this at risk, and all possible care coming to her being first screened and blocked

by her UBPDDAD.

It would probably take a suicide attempt or hospitalization from something awful to break through his control.

I do not trust him to not medicate her. I have also heard rumours he is medicating her. I just got her her own doctor who wants blood tests, i thought Id suggest a drug screen as she is smoking pot and stealing alcohol history. not looking for illicit drugs, but fear UBPDDAD could possibly be drugging her. he is serious deviant,he has no boundaries or self reflection, let alone empathy... .just an empty jug I tell ya !

SO I feel like I am rambling, and crumbling. I am extremely isolated with this. we are geographically isolated. I basically live the life of a hostage, Im over the stocklholm syndrome stage, the XUBPD is more like the boogyman under the bed, but am terrified for DD13, and myself in reality.

Understanding him was a booby prize, but now my baby, this is the worst.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[nona]

That was soon long

Thanks if you read it.

I feel I need a firmer start.

A plan.

Should I print out all the lessons?

What are your favourites?

I am HOURS from a small nothing town they do DBT.

10 hours away from the nearest mental heath support or BPD support groups.


Help me write a benign letter to DD13's T , since DD13 screens all communication?

She is told at BPDDAD's that she is big enough to make all her own decisions, she has an autoimmune disease her doctor and I have pinpointed, but DD13 has been told by BPDDAD that she is in charge of her own medical decisions and refuses diagnostic testing, even though she is the one who requested the doctor visit due to mobility issues from PAIN !

EEEK!

Help :-)

[SoSoSoTired]

I’m sorry you’ve experienced Hades with your child and your ex-husband. My adopted daughter’s behavior was similar.

She was raised in a loving home with two mentally healthy parents (married 29 years) and two mentally healthy siblings (both happy and succeeding in college).  We went through attachment therapy for a year after she was adopted.  We also have two child psychologist neighbors (married) who also assisted us and both felt our daughter was emotionally bonded.  I know the source of my daughter’s BPD didn’t come from invalidation.  I don’t know much about her biological parents, but I’d bet my lovely home and retirement that one or both of her biological parents have BPD or ASPD.

Your BPD daughter isn’t just manipulating, threatening, and triangulating you.  She’s doing the same thing to others including your ex-husband. 

Medications that help her regulate her emotions might be helpful, but if she is medicated, your husband should have notified you.  My daughter is on Depakote and Intuniv.  She takes Vyvanse for her ADHD. These help her to be less violent and impulsive.  Many parents on this forum have discussed mood stabilizing medications that their BPD children take. 

Be aware that her false allegations and self harm could escalate to the point where you could be arrested.  If you are living alone (no other witnesses), placing a video camera or recorder SECRETLY  in numerous areas in your home (while she is visiting) could keep you out of jail.

It’s within your “rights” as the mother to send young child’s therapist an email with your legitimate concerns without your child reviewing this email.   Telling your daughter that you are sending an email to her therapist will cause her to rage, so just send it.  Ask her therapist to not mention your email to her. 

For change to occur, your daughter has to make a conscious decision to change her thoughts and behaviors. There are many helpful books at amazon.com about BPD that can help you cope with your undiagnosed BPD daughter’s behaviors until she is ready to change.

[nona]

thanks for your reply sososotired

And your insights.

I am very careful to protect myself from ex as well as dd since learning of this illness.

that too is so tiring and ... .what a strange relationship dynamic.that one person lies so much we are constantly documenting .

first with my ex, but now my own child ?

it is already a strained relationship, adding this component is just :-(