Opening a Can of Worms

[J James]

The more I read about BPD and the associated disorders, the more I am starting to realize that I am dealing with much more than DD's BPD.

My DW has suffered from "depression" the entire time we have been married (25yrs). She has abandonment/mental abuse issues from childhood as well.

DW has home schooled my DD her entire life. They spend almost every day together.

I have read of the effects of a mothers mental health on her children. Although DW does not show all signs of BPD like DD, there are some similarities.

There is also a history of mental disorders in DW's family. We have had NC with DW's family for almost three years now.

DW suffers from several debilitating diseases - RA, ankylosing spondylitis, fibromyalgia, and depression on top of dealing with DD's mental health.

DW's mental and physical state is deteriorating more and more as we deal with all of these challenges. I am increasingly becoming the "bad guy" in both DW and DD's eyes.

I have been working on my validation skills and feel like I am doing much better with my approach. I have been empathetic to DW's feelings.

DW refuses to go to therapy or seek mental help. She gets her depression meds from her OBGYN which enables her to receive them without mental check ups.

I have told her how much i love her and want to help her and how hard it must be on her but I'm getting nowhere. Anything that comes across as critical is blown up

into everything is DW's fault. DW goes from yelling at me that its my fault to crying that everything is her fault. It is very hard to reason with someone who is suffering from depression.

DW lets DD run her into the ground. She told me that the only happiness she gets anymore is seeing DD happy. I feel that a lot of this comes from DW's lack of positive maternal figures in her life. She fears that DD will resent her for boundaries like DD does to me. This means giving DD little to no boundaries. DD is much easier

to get along with when she gets her way... .I get it but I do not feel this is a good approach to DD long term mental health. This is a constant source of tension between myself

and DW. We are no longer a parental team. It is one's word against the others until someone gives in and usually this is in front of DD. (not my choice)

Dealing with all of this and trying to hold my career together and supporting my family financially is exhausting to say the least.

I feel my own health deteriorating from the stress. I am a creative person by trade and find it harder and harder to produce as this situation progresses. 

Dealing with mental health disorders sucks! Any other potentially life threatening disease would be treated so differently. Support /understanding from family and friends

would be so much more prevalent with anything else. The treatment would be so much clearer and the patient would understand that you love them and are trying desperately to help them!

After typing this out I am not even sure what the point of my post is other than to vent some more!  Maybe someone else can relate.

I'm Drained!... .mentally, physically, emotionally and financially from Dr.'s bills!









     

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

I can only imagine how difficult it is for you daily J James.

Will your insurance cover family therapy?  It will help to have another trained person to mediate, validate you, and provide support to you, your wife, and your daughter.

lbj

[J James]

Thank you lbj!  It is difficult but I am not alone, that is for sure.

Yes, insurance covers therapy with a copay. I cannot get DD and DW to participate in family therapy as of yet... .still trying.

Currently, I am going to a therapist to help deal with all of this and DD is seeing a therapist for her conditions.

DW usually takes DD to her appt because they either do not want to go that day or my work schedule conflicts with the appt.

I personally believe this is not the ideal solution because both therapists are only hearing one side of the dispute which can give validation to one side when both sides are not heard.

I feel we would have much more success if we were ALL in a group with one mediator and of course, continue individual therapy.

[lbjnltx]

It is good that at least some of you are getting therapy.  Have you looked at the info to the right------->?

Learning how to validate the overwhelming feelings (rather than try to reason someone out of them) goes a long way towards mending relationships and helping someone get to a place emotionally where they are able to have reasonable thoughts and possibly even a problem solving mentality.

lbj