Grown up daughter with BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hello to all parents out there,

Where do I start? There is so much to say, to explain. But all I really need to declare is that my lovely 20-year old daughter suffers from BPD. I want to help, but recognise that there is a lot that she has to do herself. 

She has moved out now because she is studying in another city and I worry about her welfare (emotional and physical). Some days she is really motivated and upbeat and says/does all the "right" things you would expect from a "normal" person.  Then on other days, a wrong word or a small disappointment and she plunges into her despairing moods. I have to watch what I say or do very carefully but that doesn't always help.

I'm worried that she won't make it through uni & that she will have to come back home and start all over again.  This is the second course she registered for.  The first was much too difficult for her and she gave up after the first semester.  It has done her good to move out and try and build a life for herself - if she had to move back to our tiny flat, she would be devastated. 

I've lived alone with my two daughters for 8 years - now that the oldest has moved out, there's just me and the youngest (17 years old).  She is very understanding of her sister's problem and shows great patience with me when I'm distressed.

My apologies if I've ranted on too long for what really should be an introduction.

It would be great to learn from other mothers how you cope and how you can support your child without being perceived as being controlling/interfering.

With heartfelt thanks for listening!

[Toleranz]

Hello to all parents out there,

Where do I start? There is so much to say, to explain. But all I really need to declare is that my lovely 20-year old daughter suffers from BPD. I want to help, but recognise that there is a lot that she has to do herself. 

She has moved out now because she is studying in another city and I worry about her welfare (emotional and physical). Some days she is really motivated and upbeat and says/does all the "right" things you would expect from a "normal" person.  Then on other days, a wrong word or a small disappointment and she plunges into her despairing moods. I have to watch what I say or do very carefully but that doesn't always help.

I'm worried that she won't make it through uni & that she will have to come back home and start all over again.  This is the second course she registered for.  The first was much too difficult for her and she gave up after the first semester.  It has done her good to move out and try and build a life for herself - if she had to move back to our tiny flat, she would be devastated. 

I've lived alone with my two daughters for 8 years - now that the oldest has moved out, there's just me and the youngest (17 years old).  She is very understanding of her sister's problem and shows great patience with me when I'm distressed.

My apologies if I've ranted on too long for what really should be an introduction.

It would be great to learn from other mothers how you cope and how you can support your child without being perceived as being controlling/interfering.

With heartfelt thanks for listening!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi Toleranz and welcome to the Parenting Board and the community as a whole! 

It's great that your daughter is willing to try again at university and that she is able to function at a high level some days.  I know it's difficult to not be influenced by past "failures" and it is important to stay in the moment. 

One of the main ways I am able to be supportive without controlling or enabling my adult daughter is by validating and asking validating questions to help guide her to make her own decisions.  I allow the consequences of her decisions to come so that she can learn.  Sounds easy... .it isn't.  It takes a lot of skills on my part and sometimes on her part to make this work consistently.

I look forward to learning more about you and how your daughter is doing at university in the future.

lbj