Pseudo-pregnancy confirmed (DS ex-gf)

[mil2bpd]

I'd written last month of my son's involvement with another woman who started to show BPD traits soon after he divorced a uBPD - I remain uncertain if this truly characterizes  her, if she's more histrionic, bipolar or what exactly she had going on but we did confirm this: her assertions of a pregnancy were, as we suspected, a complete fabrication although she went to extreme lengths to try to prove they were real.  I thought this may help provide some insights to those who may find themselves on the same end of such a hoax as our family was - for it truly does affect family members in various ways - when faced with such potential life altering news.

I was shocked to learn, after my son received a text from this woman containing a pregnancy ultrasound and his maintaining that conception as she claimed was so highly unlikely - upon googling phony pregnancy sonograms there are a multitude of websites where one can go to personalize such a scam for a variety of purposes - revenge, extortion, although the latter has the audacious warning that such an attempt can be considered illegal!  Forget the moral ramifications.  Even with my son calmly telling this woman he wanted to accompany her to an OB appointment and the tests he'd like her to have that he'd pay for - and despite her maintaining she was considered high risk yet didn't have an appointment scheduled - there never seemed to be a good time to do so.  Until right after Christmas when another ultrasound was sent, this time announcing she was suddenly much further along than she thought, revealing the gender of the baby, that all was fine and oh, by the way, he can come to the next (still unscheduled) appointment. He no sooner agreed than -- surprise - the next morning she texted to say she just got out of the hospital as she'd been cramping and bleeding for the past few days (odd how two days earlier everything had been fine), her cervix had opened and she'd had a miscarriage, she's no longer pregnant and he can stop worrying.

Now, I'm not sure that sounds like borderline behavior. Desperate, conniving behavior and certainly troubled and troubling.  Most importantly, my son has blocked all means of communication and is in weekly - and group - therapy to learn to better discern such behavior as well as possible attraction to this. I find myself wondering -- did I in some way contribute? My other kids are in healthy relationships.  But this opened up so many concerns and odd patterns of behaviors.  Hopefully, in the past for him... .and us... .and to serve as an eye-opener of sorts for all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[SoSoSoTired]

Adults with BPD have decades of lying practice.  In my daughter's short life, she has fooled numerous teachers, guidance counselors, principals, psychiatry residents, nurses, and at least two therapists with her "gift" for lying.  My dBPD daughter has never tried to manipulate unsuspecting people with a false pregnancy, but tomorrow is new day.   

It's great that your son is being introspective about why he entered relationships with two women with BPD.

[Turkish]

It sounds like in this case that you supported your son well, no?

Validate his feelings, and be there for him.

Being in a r/s is tough enough, regardless of a PD. At the end of the day, people (even our children) are independent entities, free to make their own decisions, no matter how foolish they may seem to us I'm cribbing my therapist here.

It's great that he is taking action to deal with this. I'd be devastated and confused if I were in his place, too.

My mother told me last night that she thought years ago that my r/s wouldn't last. I'm glad that she didn't say anything. As painful as it was, I needed to learn my own lessons.

[mil2bpd]

Thanks, and interesting points.  I guess I'm no longer focused in applying any labels per se to this last gf -it's obvious she's got no qualms about lying and using manipulative behaviors, certainly some BPD traits were evident over the past few months as well.

Like Turkish's mother, all I ever said to my son in the beginning of the relationship was "There's a lot of red flags here" which he acknowledged. And So.tired, you're correct - he's now definitely introspective and acknowledges that despite having always done well academically and professionally he's struggled with some self-confidence issues. So - yes, this has all been an eye-opener for him and he did manage to extricate himself. Plus, he has certainly thanked us for our support throughout all this. I understand how difficult it all is and I do know such personalities can be very charismatic, seductive and charming -- hard to resist in some respects but recognition is key. Discernment is not something that comes easily to anyone.

[mcbetsy]

I'd written last month of my son's involvement with another woman who started to show BPD traits soon after he divorced a uBPD - I remain uncertain if this truly characterizes  her, if she's more histrionic, bipolar or what exactly she had going on but we did confirm this: her assertions of a pregnancy were, as we suspected, a complete fabrication although she went to extreme lengths to try to prove they were real.  Most importantly, my son has blocked all means of communication and is in weekly - and group - therapy to learn to better discern such behavior as well as possible attraction to this.

My BPD daughter who is 30 told us a story last Summer about a pregnancy. She often uses drama such as that to manipulate her family and her partners. Worst of all, she told our grandson and included him in the story. Then one week later, told us she miscarried and that she spent the night in the hospital taking care of it. Of course, she never notified us, but then later berated us for not being with her. She never called to tell us. Go figure. We still don't know whether to believe she was even pregnant or if it was a fabrication during a manic period.

We are never surprised anymore what lengths she will go to to create chaos in our lives and our grandson's life, to tug on our heartstrings, or yank them until we scream for mercy. I am not surprised by your son's gf's behavior.

What I am really happy to read in your post is that your son is in group therapy and that he is seeking to understand why he is attracted to this type of person and behavior. That is really insightful and healthy behavior on his part. Understanding why we do things is really an important key to avoiding the bad choices we are prone to making. Kudos to him and kudos to his family for sticking with him and supporting him through this time.

Wishing you all many chaos free days!

[js friend]

Thankyou for updating us mil2BPD.

I think I already responded to your orginal post about my dd and predicted that this "miscarriage" may happen as my dd21 has I believe also claimed to have endured miscarriages when she saw that she was getting no where with potential baby daddies. Im not sure if she  faked babyscans but I wouldnt be suprised. It must be out of shear desperation to try to hold onto a r/s that obviously isnt working in the first place and then to make these false pregnancy claims. None of it it is healthy.

I think it is great that your son is now taking steps to identify what draws him to these women, but he shouldnt be too hard on himself. There are often  red-flags but PwBPD are also master chameleons. Your son had a very lucky escape and there are certainly lessons to be learnt here.

It is truly worthy of a celebration to start the Newyear afresh with this good  news and put it all behind you!

I wish you son and your family well for a healthy future.

[mil2bpd]

   thank you dear understanding friends. 

[mil2bpd]

That's probably the worst part; when they involve children in their scheming. As adults we have the resources, tools and insights - should we choose to use them - to handle their maladaptive behaviors. Children, on the other hand, are often left to feel mystified or worse - pattern themselves after such behavior. Hopefully, your gs, like ours, has other role models to depend upon!