I broke N/C- hoping to help with closure

[Wantingtochange]

I am looking for thoughts on if I handled this correctly. Her message to me yesterday caused me a great deal of emotional pain and set me back a couple of steps in my recovery. I spent a majority of last night and today processing this and attempting to address my thoughts and emotions. I had contemplated not responding but I always told her I would support her in her recovery and did not want my silence from not responding to be taken as some kind of punishment and allowing her to be a victim yet again.

I broke 4 days of N/C to respond to a message I received from her, hoping to help with closure from both. She has been in therapy for nearly a year and a half but only in DBT for six months or so. I was the one who left a month ago. She had sent me a message yesterday that can be read at:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=289706.0

I am continuing to move forward with detaching and my goal is still to move forward with healing and addressing my own issues. Neither one of us are interested in pursuing the relationship again.

Thank you for the response though none was expected or needed. After taking some time to process your message I have realized that we do have some very different perspectives on this and that's ok. I understand your point of view and you are absolutely entitled to your thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

    Maybe this will answer some of the questions you seem to have. I still believe the book we read together “Stop caretaking the Borderline by Margalis Fjelstad,” was the beginning of the end. It was an eye opening moment for both of us and it showed me (Maybe both of us?) I was in the caretaker role.  I never wanted that role nor did you want me in it, but it did brake me as a person. At the time I couldn't understand it nor understand how to change that. That's not your fault nor do I blame you, it's something for me to deal with. I can honestly say  from that point forward there was a noticeable change in both of us.

This perspective has propelled me to start a new journey of serious internal introspection. It appears in your message that you are already well past this point. I am happy that in such a short time you have found happiness, peace, and a sense of direction. I do hope and pray that this continues in your long term recovery and your able to find what your looking for in life. I will always support your efforts and hope that at some point we can remain friends.

Best wishes and take care,



Did I handle this correctly? I keep doubting myself on every step I'm taking to recover.

[Wantingtochange]

Within a half hour after sending it she replied "I don't ever want our friendship to end."

To be honest that tugged at my heart. I'm trying, I really am. I am not going to respond and am going back to N/C for a while to continue on trying to detach. I do hope she is happy and continues with treatment. I have to work on myself.

The finality that I now feel because it really is over is heavy... .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Wantingtochange, It seems that her previous message caused you a lot of angst and pain.  What sort of response were you hoping to receive back when you sent her your message?  Presumably you are still seeking something from her.  Can you identify what you are hoping to get out of it at this point?  I wonder whether you might be making it harder on yourself?  Only you know the answer.

LuckyJim

[Rmbrworst]

This is just my personal opinion, but when people say they still want friendship, it depends on the situation.

My nonBPD ex boyfriends I've remained friends with, because it was healthy and natural.  My BPD ex boyfriend asked for friendship and I said no.  The reason being, he treated me horribly and kept going back and forth between me and another man.

That's not a good basis for friendship, so why bother?  Not only that, I feel like he would want to be "friends", just so he could keep me on "standby".

I think you need way more time away from the situation, so you can asses this without your emotions fogging what's going on.

When you can approach this logically and with no emotional pull, then you can asses whether friendship is an option.  Right now I would tell her thank you, and that you need quite a long stretch of time alone.

Because honestly ... .it's really what you need.

Much love