Was it shame or engulfment? Or maybe both?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, after just over a month (since Christmas) of pretty good communication with my BPD friend, I am now getting the ST again, but for no apparent reason this time.  Last time, I blew up on her about something, and I fully expected the subsequent blocking on FB.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm dealing with here, if she is feeling shame, if I triggered engulfment fears, or if I maybe even triggered abandonment fears.  Heck, maybe it's all three.

Here are my theories:

1. Shame - Both of BPD friend's parents have been coming down hard on her lately, telling her to get her act together and to stop doing drugs and drinking all the time.  She's currently feuding with her mother, after recently ending a feud with her father that dragged on for months.  Prior to that, she had been seeking validation from her mother, by saying things like, "I want you to be proud of me, even though I'm a failure."  But like her mom said to me, "There's nothing for me to be proud of."  Mom suffers from many health problems, works full-time, and lives across the country.  She's dealing with a lot.  BPD friend lives with her stepbrother, who lost his mom to brain cancer a few years ago, and he's expressed his disapproval of how she treats her mother.  She tried to pull me into a drama triangle the other night, by complaining about her mom, but I quickly extricated myself and changed the topic.  When she didn't reply, I put my phone down and did something else for two hours.  After texting me off and on all day Tuesday, including from work, she sent me a Buzzfeed article link at 2:45 on Wednesday morning.  I just happened to be awake, to blow my nose and take cold medicine, so I replied to it.  She asked why I wasn't sleeping, and I told her.  I then replied, "Going back to sleep now."  She replied, "Sleep tight babe," but quickly followed it with, "Sorry didn't mean to say that.  Little drunk."  So, not only did she call me babe, nearly 8 months after we agreed that we would never be a couple, but she also revealed that she was drunk on a Wednesday morning.  She's been hiding her continued use of drugs and alcohol ever since we first re-connected back in August.  I sent a final reply, "It's ok," and then went back to sleep.  I texted her after work and got no reply, so I didn't try again.  I also didn't text her the next day.  Last night, I sent her a link to a funny Buzzfeed article and got nothing.  So, I'm wondering if weeks of the people close to her telling her to get her life together and stop drinking/smoking it away has triggered feelings of shame in her.  Also, I'm wondering if just getting close to me again has triggered feelings of shame in her, after the way she treated me and the fact that she cheated on her ex with me.  We are also coming up on the date that she met her ex-boyfriend, the longest relationship she'd had in a very long time.  They met around this time and became an official couple on February 5th.  It's also the year anniversary of when she and I became friends.  Unfortunately, she's done so many bad things in her life that almost every date is an anniversary of something painful.     

2. Engulfment - Back in December, she cut me out on a Wednesday, after texting me all day on Monday.  She texted me Monday morning, took a nap, and then started texting me again as soon as she woke up.  She used my nickname for the first time in months.  On Tuesday, she went mostly silent.  On Wednesday, after noticing that she'd been posting selfies and status updates on Facebook for two days, I confronted her, and that's when she cut me out.  Right before New Year's Eve, we were texting a bit, not that often.  I asked her to go to the movies with me sometime, and she said "Sure" but then went silent for three days.  I finally got her to reply to me, but then I didn't bother with her for over a week.  We texted briefly again one afternoon, and then at 8:30 that night, she sent me one of those infamous "I miss you" texts and asked if we could hang out sometime.  I said we could.  That was January 10th.  We continued texting, sometimes only exchanging one or two texts, sometimes going a few days without texting at all.  I tried to keep the conversation light and humorous.  The next time she went silent on me was after we texted for three hours one night.  During that conversation, we agreed to put the past behind us.  She admitted that she was a bad influence in my life.  She told me that she still needs to meet my new cats and see my new house.  I texted her the next night and got no reply.  I didn't text her at all the next day.  The day after that, she sent me three pictures, comics and memes related to cats.  My mom was visiting, so I had enough time to send a very quick reply and that's it.  The day after that, she was in a bad mood because she was possibly going to have to shovel snow at work that night.  Early the next morning, she texted her mom and told her she had been out "drunk bowling" with friends.  When her mom didn't reply, she asked, "Why u no comment?"  Her mom replied that there was nothing in that text for a mother to reply to.  I didn't hear from her again until that Wednesday, when we had a pleasant conversation for about an hour while we were both cooking dinner.  From last Saturday until Wednesday morning, we texted a lot because I had off work for a few days due to the blizzard.  On Tuesday, she called me "adorable" and told me to download Snapchat so she could send me pictures when she was at work.  The next morning is when she sent me that article link.  Right now, she is very heavily mirroring her one co-worker while also trying to mirror me, so I'm thinking that she's having trouble keeping up the charade around me.

Abandonment - For the past few weeks, ever since we started texting a lot and talking about hanging out, she hasn't been on Tinder.  This also happened when she contacted me in November, the day she broke up with the guy she was dating.  She stopped using it the day after she contacted me but was on it again the day after she cut me out.  However, she popped up again this morning.  I feel bad swiping left and don't want to swipe right, so I just close out of Tinder and then open it back up, which changes the order of the results.  She also tweeted three times the other night, after not tweeting for weeks.  This is what she does when she wants attention.  She starts posting on every social media platform she has.  Perhaps the "adorable" comment and the "babe" comment were ways for her to try to pull me back in.  But I have zero interest in dating her, so I didn't take the bait.  When she called me adorable, I politely thanked her, but that's it.  And I didn't really address the "babe" comment at all.  So, perhaps she is convinced that, since I am no longer showing any romantic interest in her, that I will eventually leave her. 

And maybe this is all just the general push/pull of BPD. 

As I've posted recently, she is just in a bad state right now, even though she hides it well.  Earning minimum wage at a convenience store, barely able to pay her bills, her parents have decided to stop giving her money, and she hasn't had a relationship that lasted for more than two months since last summer.  Plus, as I mentioned, it's coming up on the one year anniversary of when she and her ex got together.  Two weeks ago, she sent him a friend request on Facebook, and he didn't accept it.  Out of the clear blue, I got a text from him one night that said, "You were right.  She just sent me a friend request." 

My primary concern right now is another suicide attempt.  Generally speaking, her attempts are more for attention than anything, but when you're playing with fire, there's always a chance you'll get burned.  All it takes is the right mix of pills.  She's so desperate for money right now and keeps begging her mom to move back here, so she can live with her and not pay rent, and I wouldn't put it past her to do something dramatic, just to get her mom to come here.  Her last attempt came right before her mom moved from a nearby state to one across the country, and I do wonder if it was an attempt on her part to stop the move from happening. 

Right now, my plan is to just back off for several days and let her come to me, if she chooses to.  I have a paper to write for my grad class, lesson plans to write, and tests/projects to grade.  And at some point, I need to do my grocery shopping for the week. 

[SummerStorm]

So, after just over a month (since Christmas) of pretty good communication with my BPD friend, I am now getting the ST again, but for no apparent reason this time.  Last time, I blew up on her about something, and I fully expected the subsequent blocking on FB.

I'm trying to figure out what I'm dealing with here, if she is feeling shame, if I triggered engulfment fears, or if I maybe even triggered abandonment fears.  Heck, maybe it's all three.

Here are my theories:

1. Shame - Both of BPD friend's parents have been coming down hard on her lately, telling her to get her act together and to stop doing drugs and drinking all the time.  She's currently feuding with her mother, after recently ending a feud with her father that dragged on for months.  Prior to that, she had been seeking validation from her mother, by saying things like, "I want you to be proud of me, even though I'm a failure."  But like her mom said to me, "There's nothing for me to be proud of."  Mom suffers from many health problems, works full-time, and lives across the country.  She's dealing with a lot.  BPD friend lives with her stepbrother, who lost his mom to brain cancer a few years ago, and he's expressed his disapproval of how she treats her mother.  She tried to pull me into a drama triangle the other night, by complaining about her mom, but I quickly extricated myself and changed the topic.  When she didn't reply, I put my phone down and did something else for two hours.  After texting me off and on all day Tuesday, including from work, she sent me a Buzzfeed article link at 2:45 on Wednesday morning.  I just happened to be awake, to blow my nose and take cold medicine, so I replied to it.  She asked why I wasn't sleeping, and I told her.  I then replied, "Going back to sleep now."  She replied, "Sleep tight babe," but quickly followed it with, "Sorry didn't mean to say that.  Little drunk."  So, not only did she call me babe, nearly 8 months after we agreed that we would never be a couple, but she also revealed that she was drunk on a Wednesday morning.  She's been hiding her continued use of drugs and alcohol ever since we first re-connected back in August.  I sent a final reply, "It's ok," and then went back to sleep.  I texted her after work and got no reply, so I didn't try again.  I also didn't text her the next day.  Last night, I sent her a link to a funny Buzzfeed article and got nothing.  So, I'm wondering if weeks of the people close to her telling her to get her life together and stop drinking/smoking it away has triggered feelings of shame in her.  Also, I'm wondering if just getting close to me again has triggered feelings of shame in her, after the way she treated me and the fact that she cheated on her ex with me.  We are also coming up on the date that she met her ex-boyfriend, the longest relationship she'd had in a very long time.  They met around this time and became an official couple on February 5th.  It's also the year anniversary of when she and I became friends.  Unfortunately, she's done so many bad things in her life that almost every date is an anniversary of something painful.     

2. Engulfment - Back in December, she cut me out on a Wednesday, after texting me all day on Monday.  She texted me Monday morning, took a nap, and then started texting me again as soon as she woke up.  She used my nickname for the first time in months.  On Tuesday, she went mostly silent.  On Wednesday, after noticing that she'd been posting selfies and status updates on Facebook for two days, I confronted her, and that's when she cut me out.  Right before New Year's Eve, we were texting a bit, not that often.  I asked her to go to the movies with me sometime, and she said "Sure" but then went silent for three days.  I finally got her to reply to me, but then I didn't bother with her for over a week.  We texted briefly again one afternoon, and then at 8:30 that night, she sent me one of those infamous "I miss you" texts and asked if we could hang out sometime.  I said we could.  That was January 10th.  We continued texting, sometimes only exchanging one or two texts, sometimes going a few days without texting at all.  I tried to keep the conversation light and humorous.  The next time she went silent on me was after we texted for three hours one night.  During that conversation, we agreed to put the past behind us.  She admitted that she was a bad influence in my life.  She told me that she still needs to meet my new cats and see my new house.  I texted her the next night and got no reply.  I didn't text her at all the next day.  The day after that, she sent me three pictures, comics and memes related to cats.  My mom was visiting, so I had enough time to send a very quick reply and that's it.  The day after that, she was in a bad mood because she was possibly going to have to shovel snow at work that night.  Early the next morning, she texted her mom and told her she had been out "drunk bowling" with friends.  When her mom didn't reply, she asked, "Why u no comment?"  Her mom replied that there was nothing in that text for a mother to reply to.  I didn't hear from her again until that Wednesday, when we had a pleasant conversation for about an hour while we were both cooking dinner.  From last Saturday until Wednesday morning, we texted a lot because I had off work for a few days due to the blizzard.  On Tuesday, she called me "adorable" and told me to download Snapchat so she could send me pictures when she was at work.  The next morning is when she sent me that article link.  Right now, she is very heavily mirroring her one co-worker while also trying to mirror me, so I'm thinking that she's having trouble keeping up the charade around me.

Abandonment - For the past few weeks, ever since we started texting a lot and talking about hanging out, she hasn't been on Tinder.  This also happened when she contacted me in November, the day she broke up with the guy she was dating.  She stopped using it the day after she contacted me but was on it again the day after she cut me out.  However, she popped up again this morning.  I feel bad swiping left and don't want to swipe right, so I just close out of Tinder and then open it back up, which changes the order of the results.  She also tweeted three times the other night, after not tweeting for weeks.  This is what she does when she wants attention.  She starts posting on every social media platform she has.  Perhaps the "adorable" comment and the "babe" comment were ways for her to try to pull me back in.  But I have zero interest in dating her, so I didn't take the bait.  When she called me adorable, I politely thanked her, but that's it.  And I didn't really address the "babe" comment at all.  So, perhaps she is convinced that, since I am no longer showing any romantic interest in her, that I will eventually leave her. 

And maybe this is all just the general push/pull of BPD. 

As I've posted recently, she is just in a bad state right now, even though she hides it well.  Earning minimum wage at a convenience store, barely able to pay her bills, her parents have decided to stop giving her money, and she hasn't had a relationship that lasted for more than two months since last summer.  Plus, as I mentioned, it's coming up on the one year anniversary of when she and her ex got together.  Two weeks ago, she sent him a friend request on Facebook, and he didn't accept it.  Out of the clear blue, I got a text from him one night that said, "You were right.  She just sent me a friend request." 

My primary concern right now is another suicide attempt.  Generally speaking, her attempts are more for attention than anything, but when you're playing with fire, there's always a chance you'll get burned.  All it takes is the right mix of pills.  She's so desperate for money right now and keeps begging her mom to move back here, so she can live with her and not pay rent, and I wouldn't put it past her to do something dramatic, just to get her mom to come here.  Her last attempt came right before her mom moved from a nearby state to one across the country, and I do wonder if it was an attempt on her part to stop the move from happening. 

Right now, my plan is to just back off for several days and let her come to me, if she chooses to.  I have a paper to write for my grad class, lesson plans to write, and tests/projects to grade.  And at some point, I need to do my grocery shopping for the week. 

[Daniell85]

You seem very caught up in her field of drama.

She talks to you a lot one day, the next she is involved in other activities. From what you are saying, it sounds like you attempted communication and she was unresponsive? So you waited a day or so and confronted her. Which had the result of her blocking you.

Is this purely a friendship, or is there a romantic element?

It sounds to me like she has her perimeter boundary and when she doesn't feel like being close to you, and you try to be close, she responds by crudely blocking you to keep that space to herself.

You could call it feelings of engulfment, push pull dynamics. Or maybe she just feels "filled up" after her interaction with you and wants to go do other things.

What happens when you just go with the flow on what she is asking for from you? I would say YOU are enmeshed into her way more than is healthy for you. It's a very real danger in a BPD situation.

Try stepping back, sort of find a more centered space in your own self. You have been drawn into hovering over her, worrying about her mental health, what she is doing one day and not the other. That she was busy elsewhere and posted pics to share... .and you were upset enough to go to her and confront her.

Detachment is not letting go of your friend or that you care very much for her and enjoy spending time with her. The detachment will help YOU stabilize and think clearly. She will come to you when she misses you and wants that time with you. When she sees you are stable yourself, and calm and pleased to see her, not cornering her, she is very likely to want that extra time with you.

It sounds to me like it could very well be ok, she does come to you.

A lot of times with my boyfriend, me simply going quiet and doing my own thing, and even after a big upset, if he sees I am not going to continue putting energy into that, he calms down and starts trying to engage me.

He is an introverted udBPD with NPD behavior at times. He's an expert at silent treatment for long periods, utterly unreachable if I come towards him at those times. I have found not coming at him and not disappearing ( while still being quiet to him) tends to keep the lines of communication open.

[SummerStorm]

You seem very caught up in her field of drama.

She talks to you a lot one day, the next she is involved in other activities. From what you are saying, it sounds like you attempted communication and she was unresponsive? So you waited a day or so and confronted her. Which had the result of her blocking you.

That's the thing.  She isn't really doing anything.  When she isn't at work, she is at home, lying in bed all day.  I work 7-3, and she works 3-11.  There really aren't many times for us to talk.

Is this purely a friendship, or is there a romantic element?

There was a romantic element for about a month last year, but that's long over, at least on my side.  I haven't even seen her in person since last June.

It sounds to me like she has her perimeter boundary and when she doesn't feel like being close to you, and you try to be close, she responds by crudely blocking you to keep that space to herself.

You could call it feelings of engulfment, push pull dynamics. Or maybe she just feels "filled up" after her interaction with you and wants to go do other things.

For her, "other things" are doing drugs and sleeping.  And she's the one who keeps bringing up hanging out together.  She's the one who told me to download Snapchat.  She's the one who sent me a FB friend request last November.  And when I say there are times when we text all day, it's not constant.  The other night, three hours went by at one point between texts, and she was the one who resumed the conversation.

What happens when you just go with the flow on what she is asking for from you? I would say YOU are enmeshed into her way more than is healthy for you. It's a very real danger in a BPD situation.

When I go with the flow, nothing seems to happen.  She brings up hanging out, but when I bring it up, she backs off, so I have stopped bringing it up.  And I wouldn't say I'm enmeshed at all.  I'm up at 4:45 every morning, go to work from 7-3, come home and take care of my cats, make dinner, and grade papers or work on assignments for my grad class.  I barely even have time to watch TV.  The only reason our communication picked up recently is that I was basically trapped inside my house for four days because of the blizzard.  I've also had a bad cold for almost two weeks, so I've been spending a lot of time inside.

Try stepping back, sort of find a more centered space in your own self. You have been drawn into hovering over her, worrying about her mental health, what she is doing one day and not the other. That she was busy elsewhere and posted pics to share... .and you were upset enough to go to her and confront her.

If she was legitimately busy, that's one thing.  But she never is.  Posting selfies of yourself in bed or in the bathroom, to me, does not equal being busy.

Detachment is not letting go of your friend or that you care very much for her and enjoy spending time with her. The detachment will help YOU stabilize and think clearly. She will come to you when she misses you and wants that time with you. When she sees you are stable yourself, and calm and pleased to see her, not cornering her, she is very likely to want that extra time with you.

It sounds to me like it could very well be ok, she does come to you.

A lot of times with my boyfriend, me simply going quiet and doing my own thing, and even after a big upset, if he sees I am not going to continue putting energy into that, he calms down and starts trying to engage me.

He is an introverted udBPD with NPD behavior at times. He's an expert at silent treatment for long periods, utterly unreachable if I come towards him at those times. I have found not coming at him and not disappearing ( while still being quiet to him) tends to keep the lines of communication open.

I'm going to start looking into NPD because she has a lot of NPD traits, though she has been diagnosed with just BPD.  And I don't feel like I've been cornering her at all.  We recently had a conversation about adult coloring books, and I texted her the other day about how there is a Harry Potter one.  The text last night was a Buzzfeed article link about punny titles for literature (we are both book nerds) related to food.  And like I said, there are days that go by when we don't text at all. 

[SummerStorm]

Update:

I just got a text from her.  It said, "Sorry, I've been sleeping the past two days away." 

Don't know if that's true or not, but I'm not even going to question it.  She also suffers from depression, so if I had to guess, that's what's been going on.  So much internal pain.  It's sad.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting here, watching the sun shine on the snow and birds eat from my bird feeder, outlining the paper for my grad class, and planning what to make for lunch.

[Daniell85]

You sound like you are worrying about all of this a lot. Since the friendship is lower key than it was in the past, possibly taking a step back and adjusting to that more limited contact for now will keep the two of you on better terms.

I know how it is, it can be really hard to let go of worrying about someone you care for. She herself is informing you through her actions that she needs the more casual level from you sometimes. I would just respect that for now and see if things pick up for the better as time goes on.