Finances with my live in BPD GF

[True Grenadine]

Hi All,

If you have read my profile then you understand my story... .on my plate right now is deciding to breakup and ask my GF to move out of my home or stay together and work on the relationship.  There are many issues and currently I am focusing on finances.  A quick  summary background follows: I've not had many relationships and am a widow of four years.  I was married for 15 years and was with the late wife for 18 years.

My current live in GF moved into my house 1.5 years after losing my wife and after we dated for seven months. My GF wanted to move in because she said she loved me and she too was going through a long divorce and bankruptcy and wanted to move on herself. She has been living with me for fourteen months.  Looking back I realize that when she moved in I was hurting, lonely and needing something new.

At that time, my GF told me we needed to live together or break up. I didn't want the relationship to end so I agreed to allow her to move in with her two young children.  I have two young girls.

During that time, my GF and talked about everything... .Later and after she moved in I unfortunatly found out that my GF had been telling me a string of lies and a host of untruths that had convinced me to allow her to move in... . The sum of her lies was that she was broke and was living on a meager teachers salary. I found out this past April that she has been taking home $4900 month and has never paid any bills . Shes walked away from all of her other bills and pays only her cell phone bill cash. Shes not broke.

Most important, she hid a ten year opiate drug addiction from me. She had told me that her marriage ended because her husband was a drug addict and cheated on her so she kicked him out... .Later I found out and verified that they both had long history of opiate addiction, they both crushed and snorted Oxys and Perks and both are on suboxone.  My GF currently abuses her suboxone. I did not find out about her own drug addiction and use until six months after she moved in... .She was still using when we were dating and when she moved in. Once she moved in and we were living together 24/7 it became hard for her to hide her habit and I found out. There is long history of her lying about her usage as well and it not worth going into... .Bottom line she lies about her using drugs even when she has been caught red handed... .

With this said, I am now looking at finances. It costs $4400 a month to operate my home with my GF and her two children living there  She contributes 1200 month by purchasing food only.  She does not contribute to anything else.  She buys the food out of her own account and does not share receipts. Some months I believe she spends 1200 and some much less... .

I contribute 3200 a month to pay for the remainder of the housing expenses.  I own the home and all bills are in my name.

If you look at the 1200 monthly cost of food she provides and look at us then its easy to say that since we both have two young children the same age then 1/2 that cost is her own food. This leaves 600 a month to the house. I still pay 3200 a month.  Out of the 3200 I pay, I pay for her auto insurance and excise tax on her vehicle. That totals to 200 month. Deduct the 200 from her 600 then this leaves 400 a month that she contributes toward the bills.

Since she moved in the utilities have gone up $150 a month. Deduct the 150 from the 400 and this leaves $250 a month that she contributes to the house... .while I'm contributing 3000.  

With this said. She rants and raves that the house is hers too, that she contributes and has rights to 1/2 the house as its hers too etc... .

Question to you all... .Assuming everything I wrote is the truth... .Am I wrong to ask her to pay more? Or should I boot her as shes been lying and using me... .

[zeus123]

boot her out and do it very quick, like really quick!

[thisworld]

True Grenadine hi,

I had a brief relationship with a BPD male (he is an opiate addict as well), I don't have children myself and I come from a different culture that may be viewing finances and property differently, so I may not be the ideal person to comment on your situation but I'd like to share my perspective.

I think someone living with you for 14 months and saying that half of the house is hers is a major red flag.

Lying about income is a major red flag. And if one of you is able to lie about their income and secretly save their money for themselves, why don't you save your money for yourself really? You have two children, they deserve that money more than a person who can so blatantly lie about something so basic and also so important. This is downright calculated, planned.

And suboxone abuse is a very very big red flag. What exactly do you mean by abusing suboxone? Is she using opiates and doing suboxone on top, like bridging? I lived with an active addict (with an infrequent pattern of intravenous heroin but doing THC, pot and abusing prescribed benzos in between) but I wouldn't allow a person abusing suboxone near my children (if they are living with you) unless they went back to proper recovery immediately. Immediately like right now. Not because they would be immediately dangerous or anything but to save my children from potential future trauma. Plus, without good ongoing recovery, many addict thought patterns are there and this is probably not a good influence on children. 

I'd personally end this relationship because of the lies and not co-habit with this person if children are under the same roof but that says nothing because we are different people. In either case though, boundaries about substance use as well as finances seem very necessary to me.

[Claycrusher]

Question to you all... .Assuming everything I wrote is the truth... .Am I wrong to ask her to pay more?

Yes.  If she pays more, you're still shacking up with a lying, essentially freeloading drug additct who apparently cares more about being a lying, freeloading drug addict than living an upright life as an example for her children, or showing respect for what your doing for her and them.

Or should I boot her as shes been lying and using me... .

Yes.  Boot her out.  The sooner the better.  As bad as you think she is now, you likely haven't seen the depths of her deceit, manipulative abilities, and lack of empathy for other people yet.  You didn't give her Borderline Personality Disorder.  You can't take it away from her.  You are not likely to come out of the experience of living with it day in and day out as a psychologically whole person in the end, and there will be an end, eventually.  You are likely to be better off having that "end" happen now, on your terms, rather than later, on hers.

[HurtinNW]

I don't think this should be about the money. It should be about her addiction. Is she willing to admit to an addiction and get treatment? If so I'd approach it differently than if she is in denial or unwilling.

I imagine as a BPD she has intense shame around these issues. You can validate how incredibly hard addiction is (and opiate addiction is VERY difficult to detox from) while still protecting your kids and yourself. But I'd require her to detox in an inpatient facility if she is going to live with you... .and I'd involve myself heavily with her care providers.

I would not live with an active addict. My own boundary. It isn't just her inability to be safe, it is the kind of men and women she will potentially expose your children to. Addictions come with crime, with criminals, and danger. My BPD addict mom exposed me to pedophiles. When people are addicts their addiction comes first, even before their children or yours.

You don't have to end the relationship if you love her, but a relationship doesn't mean letting her live in your home and abuse drugs.

[True Grenadine]

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts... .I forgot to add that she's still married and told me recently on many occasions that getting divorced is not on her priority list.

So, I agree that it should note about the money and should be about the addiction. I also see all the red flags mentioned by Thisworld. I do care for her but realize that the relationship is toxic.   On top of everything she is classic BPD and berates me and uses gaslighting to try to evade any forms of discussion.

I've felt trapped and have lived in fear. She has attacked me on several occasions too and threatened me within ear shot of my ten and six year old daughters.

Today I've decided to end the relationship and will work to have her evicted.  She won't leave on her own and has told me that I was the one who needed to leave

[Turkish]

I agree that it sounds lop-sided, and she saying the house is hers too would make me angry.

However, what's your primary reason for wanting to boot her, is it the money, drug abuse, that you no longer love her... .?

[True Grenadine]

Hi Turkish,

I have many reasons and am struggling with them. Overall it's the lying that has killed trust. Looking at things a bit more clear I see her lying and her addiction as too covert for my comfort level. I don't think she'll ever be open enough with me about her addiction and opiate addiction has too high of a recurrence to chance the stability of this family and my girls.

The money is last but still a big one. We cannot discuss finances without her diving off into absolute anger at me and trying to deflect by raging at me with a tyraid of verbal abuse aimed at tearing apart my character.

Finally she's constantly irritated with something and never seems happy. I simply cannot deal with it anymore and see the negativity affecting my girls.  I want it too end without confrontation but that is highly unlikely... .So my bit of codependency kicks in and I settle to keep the peace.

I need help breaking that cycle so I can just end it and have her leave. I need to break free of my codependency

[formflier]

 

For me the lying and addiction are huge.  With addiction being the worst.

With an addict you will likely always be playing second fiddle.  Feeding the addiction is top priority.

Do you want to be second (at best) for more of a R/S?

That being said I think there is a right and wrong way to go about this.

If she improved, would you want to continue the R/S?

Not sure if I missed it.  How much do you bring home and how much does she bring home per month.  I think you said she did $4800 and only gave you $1200, maybe.

Lack of visibility on the $1200 would bother me.  How did that figure get arrived at?

FF

[True Grenadine]

Hi FF,

I can't be around the lying and the anger she shows... .It's damaging. She won't talk about her addiction and keeps me out of that completely.

The 1200 figure was her interpretation and her idea... .as she says the place isn't hers so she's not paying more. She is not transparent about her finances.

I see the relationship as completely one sided and no longer working.

She won't leave... .I've asked her she says she's looking for an apartment. It's been months.

[Daniell85]

She wants things both ways. If the house is hers, too, then she she owes 50/50. If the house isn't hers, then she needs to move out if you want her to.

It's a moot point, though, since you said you want her out of the house, and you own the house.

What kind of confrontation are you worried will happen?

[formflier]

She won't leave, I've asked her she says she's looking for an apartment. It's been months.

OK, that is sort of what I figured was going on.

If she becomes reasonable with finances, would you be interested in having her stay?  In other words, how important is the r/s to you?

Depending on importance of the r/s, you may need to give her a timeline to make CHOICES.  These are not your demands, she has choices.  

Be more open about finances and stay and work on improving r/s.  Or go.  Be clear there will not be a no man's land.

FF