I'm about at the end of my rope

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi,

Never posted, but read lots and lots on hear for a some years now.  Does he have BPD?  I don't know and quite frankly, I'm not sure I care any longer.  Been together for 25 years, so there's a lot past history that's occurred.  The most recent highlights are his family has estranged themselves from us, due to his behavior.  As his spouse, I'm also included and they have verbalized they have no feelings for me whatsoever and I'm "unfriendly".  Personally, I don't recall ever being unfriendly, but that's their opinion and since I no longer see them it doesn't really matter. 

Let's get to the latest blow-up, which involves the wonderful Valentine's holiday.  I gifted him a new Ipad, since he had been complaining about his being slow.  I mentioned in a text to my brother about this gift, and husband saw it.  He got angry that I mentioned it and threw the Ipad in the trash... .in front of me for dramatic effect.  I shouldn't have done this, I know, but I said it was a childish thing to do and retrieved it back out.  "We don't throw away expensive electronics and you're being childish," was my exact response.  I let is sit in the kitchen, where later he dropped it in my office stating he didn't want it and it wasn't given to him properly.  Everything came to a head yesterday after I had gone to lunch with my brother and a friend.  I told him where I had been and he immediately started implying I had been talking about him.  This is a continual thing with him.  He's paranoid to the point that my entire world is so wrapped around him I must be talking negatively about him.  We weren't, of course.  Just having lunch with a fun conversation.  Pretty simple and normal.  He continued on and on for a few hours with me telling him I can't continue the conversation as I get mentally worn out.  He had me blocked in my office.  I finally got up, told him to get out of my way, and went into the bedroom to lay down locking the door behind me.  He tells me he's going to kick the door down.  I tell him fine, but then he has to fix it so why do damage?  He did kick the door causing damage.  I'm now upset about this, and if I bring it up, then it will create another explosion.  I don't want or need it, since he's made an apology this morning and took his Ipad back.  He didn't want me to say anything in response, so I didn't.

This is probably so muddled, even though I do work through the lessons and they do have an impact with him, but I'm mentally exhausted.  If I leave, the financial implications are just huge for both of us.  But how can I stay?  My health is impacted, not necessarily by him though, but the stress can exacerbate my health just as it can for anyone.  I don't know what to do.  We did do couples counseling, which I knew was the wrong avenue, but I thought if I could just get him in there he might continue.  He did not and when he did, it was all about him and how terrible of a person I am.  He cornered my 83 year old mother at Christmas to tell her how terrible I am!  She birthed me, raised me, knows me very well.  She doesn't think I'm terrible and is my biggest supporter with my health issue, as a mother should be.  She's as confused as I am about this.  My brother is also confused and offering a safe place for me, if I decide I need it.

I'm at a loss.  Sorry for the rambling.

[Justjane66]

Hi,

Never posted, but read lots and lots on hear for a some years now.  Does he have BPD?  I don't know and quite frankly, I'm not sure I care any longer.  Been together for 25 years, so there's a lot past history that's occurred.  The most recent highlights are his family has estranged themselves from us, due to his behavior.  As his spouse, I'm also included and they have verbalized they have no feelings for me whatsoever and I'm "unfriendly".  Personally, I don't recall ever being unfriendly, but that's their opinion and since I no longer see them it doesn't really matter. 

Let's get to the latest blow-up, which involves the wonderful Valentine's holiday.  I gifted him a new Ipad, since he had been complaining about his being slow.  I mentioned in a text to my brother about this gift, and husband saw it.  He got angry that I mentioned it and threw the Ipad in the trash... .in front of me for dramatic effect.  I shouldn't have done this, I know, but I said it was a childish thing to do and retrieved it back out.  "We don't throw away expensive electronics and you're being childish," was my exact response.  I let is sit in the kitchen, where later he dropped it in my office stating he didn't want it and it wasn't given to him properly.  Everything came to a head yesterday after I had gone to lunch with my brother and a friend.  I told him where I had been and he immediately started implying I had been talking about him.  This is a continual thing with him.  He's paranoid to the point that my entire world is so wrapped around him I must be talking negatively about him.  We weren't, of course.  Just having lunch with a fun conversation.  Pretty simple and normal.  He continued on and on for a few hours with me telling him I can't continue the conversation as I get mentally worn out.  He had me blocked in my office.  I finally got up, told him to get out of my way, and went into the bedroom to lay down locking the door behind me.  He tells me he's going to kick the door down.  I tell him fine, but then he has to fix it so why do damage?  He did kick the door causing damage.  I'm now upset about this, and if I bring it up, then it will create another explosion.  I don't want or need it, since he's made an apology this morning and took his Ipad back.  He didn't want me to say anything in response, so I didn't.

This is probably so muddled, even though I do work through the lessons and they do have an impact with him, but I'm mentally exhausted.  If I leave, the financial implications are just huge for both of us.  But how can I stay?  My health is impacted, not necessarily by him though, but the stress can exacerbate my health just as it can for anyone.  I don't know what to do.  We did do couples counseling, which I knew was the wrong avenue, but I thought if I could just get him in there he might continue.  He did not and when he did, it was all about him and how terrible of a person I am.  He cornered my 83 year old mother at Christmas to tell her how terrible I am!  She birthed me, raised me, knows me very well.  She doesn't think I'm terrible and is my biggest supporter with my health issue, as a mother should be.  She's as confused as I am about this.  My brother is also confused and offering a safe place for me, if I decide I need it.

I'm at a loss.  Sorry for the rambling.

[Cat Familiar]

Wow, this is really difficult.    I'm very sorry you're dealing with this. I can imagine how completely exhausting this all must be.

Paranoia adds an additional complication to the BPD behavioral repertoire, as you well know. And undoubtedly he certainly isn't receptive to any suggestions about counseling, or any comments about his behavior since it would just circle back to the paranoia. My husband, who has a mild touch of paranoia, and I did couples counseling for over a year and it was ineffective other than it slightly improved our communication skills together. I went back to see the counselor a year later on my own and it has been really wonderful having a professional who can help me with strategies and also who has seen my husband dysregulate and knows that he has a personality disorder. My bi-montly appointment with her and also posting here has helped greatly in the last year and a half and for the most part, I feel happy and am learning to accept my husband for who he is--and surprisingly he's showing me a much improved version of himself.

I'm glad you have good family support from your mother and brother. I guess my question to you is what do you want to do now?

[Justjane66]

First let me apologize for the massive amount of grammatical errors. I usually check my wording and spelling carefully, but the damaged door was so upsetting when I discovered it.

I am strongly considering counseling for myself, but the cost factors into it. It's not as if we don't have the funds, but he's very tight with money. The couples therapist we saw last time I believe he never paid for the last visit where he went alone. I would have to find someone different and hopefully have a good connection.

I have seen so much of our struggles in other postings. The constant threats, and occasionally does, "running away from home" happens. The consistent divorce threats.  I have mentally made a promise to myself if does actually run away from home again, authorities will be called as he's usually buying booze and taking all his guns with him too. Shame on me for knowing this and never doing anything about it, since I know he's now a threat (drunk driver) to others. He would never shoot anyone, so having the handguns aren't the main problem.

I feel anger at myself for putting up with this erratic and destructive behavior for so long.  I've been using the tools as best possible to minimize conflict and leave when necessary... .to clear my head, but this latest outburst has me contemplating everything. I hate the chaos and stress. I worry I'll have a relapse and end up hospitalized. I've told him this and if it happens, I don't think I could forgive him for it, since there's no guarantee I could make a full recovery. He's aware his behavior could have a dramatic impact on my health and was acting well until Christmas. Then the blame of me causing him stress began again.

So I believe counseling is a viable option to help me further clear my head.