Confused...

[purekalm]

So, I've been posting in the Leaving board for a bit because, well, I didn't really see any way of rectifying our issues because he refused to work on anything. Every time we disagree on something he gets snarky and/or says something like I should just get rid of him.

I stopped my side of the crazy part and only occasionally slip when I'm already having a hard time with other things. But he seems to be back and forth all the time. One day he wants things to work, the other he doesn't believe he will ever change and always screwup so it's over. Screaming at me over the phone for stupid reasons and when I say I'll hang up if he doesn't calm down and talk to me he has to get the last word in and hang up on me. Then, constant apologies for his behavior after.

So, I basically stopped doing everything I normally did to help him. He has back issues so I stopped massaging it, no intimacy because before I couldn't even get a  hug without being groped, we don't even sleep in the same bed anymore one of us is always in the living room, don't talk to or validate him much, hardly say if at all that I love him anymore, pull away when he tries to initiate even a hug, don't argue just ignore or tell him that I refuse to talk unless he's actually going to talk, stop talking when he starts the whole "hate myself"statements meant for attention, etc. Etc. Basically, we really don't have much of a relationship because I was tired of being treated like a doormat and so I pulled away.

I always forgive him, and he still can't grasp how or why. But I don't put myself back in the position of trusting him, because the cycles start right back up again. He wants me when I pull away, acts horrible, then contrite, I think it's going to work, then when I try he doesn't seem to want me anymore and I'm pushed away. This cycle has been the past almost 7 years of our marriage, anniversary in March.

This last time I haven't given in and even though we are living together have switched my focus to mainly my son and myself. He never follows through from words to actions, literally like ever. My family is so bad though that I've considered moving out with him to get away from them, they are WAY more damaging to me than my husband. We've talked about it and he knows this would be the case, not that we were moving out to work on more things, but to get away. But, I don't want to be stuck with him and also won't do it because it just feels wrong to me, I won't use him as an escape.

So, our son has autism and him and his dad haven't really ever had a relationship. My son loves him, but dad isn't really present and when he is its grudgingly so or he checks out or can't deal with my son's issues. He just started greeting him when he comes home again, although my son always even when he couldn't say anything yet. Children, our son in particular, seem to be a major trigger for him, although at times he's totally fine. Last night, husband came in the room and when he got close to my son, my son glanced over at me real quick then back to his dad who proceeded to give him a hug and kiss goodnight. My son loved it of course and giggled, gave him a hug and kiss back. It literally shocked me, I didn't know what to say. That was so rare that even my son wasn't sure what was going on.

My calm and distanced behavior has given my husband a ton of time alone with his thoughts, so I'm not sure if that is good or not. I haven't made any attempts at letting him know that because he's proven that he can't sustain his good nature towards us before. I'm confused. Should I hold out for long term change or just chalk it up to a different route ending in the same old same old?

Sorry for the long post. Not rushing this as I've been much better mentally since I pulled away to let him think. Also, whenever asked, he has said for the past three years he doesn't know what he wants, to be married or not, then says he does. Within the past year he admitted he wasn't ready for marriage and children although that's what he said he wanted, especially because he didn't realize how hard it would be. Now, without hardly any affection from me besides basic care, no nagging or any of the things he always yelled at me for, his turmoil is all turned inward. I would absolutely love to be with him, but not with the way he's treated my son and myself all this time.  Any advice is helpful, sorry again for the length.

[Kwamina]

Hi purekalm

I would absolutely love to be with him, but not with the way he's treated my son and myself all this time.  

I think this probably sums up very well how you feel about your husband. The person you would like to be with is not the person you see in your husband's behavior. Do you believe he has the capacity to grow and be the loving and caring husband you would like to be with?

And if he were able to change, do you think you would want to be with him knowing the way he treated you and your son all these years?

If you haven't done so already, I encourage you to check out the material in the right-hand side margin of this message board. Particularly the material about choosing a path can be helpful to you I think since you are currently reflecting on your relationship and contemplating your next move.

[Lucky Jim]

One day he wants things to work, the other he doesn't believe he will ever change and always screwup so it's over. Screaming at me over the phone for stupid reasons and when I say I'll hang up if he doesn't calm down and talk to me he has to get the last word in and hang up on me.

Hey purekalm, You described the push/pull behavior well.  I admire you for taking care of yourself, which is an important step.  Only you know when it's time to get off the roller coaster; in the meantime, trying to convince yourself that the roller coaster will stop all on its own is likely to prove futile, in my view.  I agree w/Kwakmina: Your H's behavior indicates that he is not the person you thought he was, or not the person who you would like him to be.  Do you think he is capable of change?

LuckyJim

[purekalm]

Hey Lucky Jim,

Oh yeah, that's all he seems to know how to do is push me away or try to pull me back in. It's annoying and used to be really painful. Now that I've got more info and dealt with a lot, it just exasperates me more than anything.

Thank you, I am trying. I feel like I'm close to the end of a long race and I'm exhausted and thirsty and tripping and stumbling but pushing myself to make it to that end goal because even if I can't see it I know it exists.

I think it's both. He pretended to be someone until he couldn't keep up the act and he's not who I'd like or need him to be. I need a partner, someone willing to go through the ups and downs of life with as a solid team. There isn't an I in team, so me doing literally everything isn't going to work. And I do know that, I do. My son, more than anything, deserves to be loved and cared for by his dad, not ignored and treated like he's a pain and bother, unless it conveniences him to be nice for an extremely short amount of time.

I guess my problem is I just see the potential of people and always hope the best for him. I gave my word I would be there for him for better or worse, but it's only been worse, and that's hard to let go of. There's nothing I can do, and he can never give me an answer. It's always I don't know from him, but I DO know. I want to have me and my son be treated with respect and love, things that should be normally given.

I 100% believe he is capable of change, isn't everybody? The question I can't answer, is what will he choose? Will he choose to change or not? That's completely up to him. Unfortunately by the time he finally figures that out I most likely won't be around. If at all possible, I'm going to look again at my slim options for moving alone. That would be best case scenario I do believe, just not financially and therein lies the rub... .

Thanks for replying Lucky Jim, I appreciate it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey purekalm,

Right, it's exasperating as time goes on to live with push me/pull you behavior, which is one reason why it's exhausting to be in a BPD r/s.  The key, in my view, is finding the path towards greater happiness, which is the finish line.  Tough to get there, I know.  You're correct: it does exist, so don't give up the race.  It's a journey towards authenticity.

Agree, we all need a partner to weather life's storms, but often it's give and take with a pwBPD: the Non does the giving: the pwBPD does the taking.  That's a recipe for codependency, of course, but most of us Nons have done it.

I can appreciate your vow "for better or for worse," though I don't believe that includes being the object of someone's abuse.

On some level, you DO know.  Suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim