Looking for guidance

[Parents! Get help here!]

I love the emoticons; they make me feel better.  My adult child has been in what seems to be a psychotic state for a week.  She truly believes she was abused as a child and that I was one of the abusers.  She makes bizarre accusations that are a total mystery to me, shuts me out, feels overwhelmingly sad, and is in a very dark place.  About 4 years ago, she went through these same actions with the same accusations.  She was placed on strong medication for bipolar disorder and became better in a sense - able to function and stopped the hate messages.  Now, it seems that we are back at square one, although it hasn't progressed to the heightened state of the former breakdown.  She has told me she has BPD, and, as I read all the information, I am thinking that is an accurate diagnosis that she has made.

I am once again devastated and spend much of my time crying.  I have been writing her messages that are more validating than before as I have just learned to do this.  I always felt so defensive and hurt before, but I'm working  on that.  I'm here to learn from you.  Thanks for listening.

[Gaia12]

I love the emoticons; they make me feel better.  My adult child has been in what seems to be a psychotic state for a week.  She truly believes she was abused as a child and that I was one of the abusers.  She makes bizarre accusations that are a total mystery to me, shuts me out, feels overwhelmingly sad, and is in a very dark place.  About 4 years ago, she went through these same actions with the same accusations.  She was placed on strong medication for bipolar disorder and became better in a sense - able to function and stopped the hate messages.  Now, it seems that we are back at square one, although it hasn't progressed to the heightened state of the former breakdown.  She has told me she has BPD, and, as I read all the information, I am thinking that is an accurate diagnosis that she has made.

I am once again devastated and spend much of my time crying.  I have been writing her messages that are more validating than before as I have just learned to do this.  I always felt so defensive and hurt before, but I'm working  on that.  I'm here to learn from you.  Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

Hello Gaia12,



Though Bi-Polar disorder can be a mistaken diagnosis when it's really BPD, then can also be co-morbid. Despite her behaviors, your daughter sounds remarkably self-aware to self-diagnose. It's great that you are learning to validate  take a look at the lessons to the right of the board and the suggested reading at the top of the board if you already haven't.

How old is your daughter, and is she living with you?

Her accusations do seem bizzare. How long has that been going on?

Turkish

[lbjnltx]

Hello Gaia12,

Welcome to the Parenting Board, I'm glad you decided to join us and get support for yourself.

It really helped me to take a giant step backwards to view my d's perspective/beliefs about being abused.  If she felt abused then she believes she was abused.  To her, feelings equal facts.  Here's an example that demonstrates the validity of her feelings that contradict the facts:

My d gets a large sloshing bowl of cereal and starts heading for the newly cleaned carpeted stairs that lead to her bedroom.  I have previously stated that she is not allowed to carry anything upstairs that is not sealed or a clear liquid.  I tell her to stop and eat downstairs.  She refuses.  I take the cereal bowl away from her.

She insists that I am abusing her by not allowing her to eat.  She threatens to call child protective services.  I hand her the phone and say go ahead.  She states that she wants me to call them and report myself.  I tell her that it doesn't work that way.  I hand her the card with their phone number, pour the soggy cereal down the drain and walk away.

She never calls them... .or she could have.  Either way she felt abused.

The intense emotions in a moment override their ability to see things reasonably. 

If your d has self diagnosed then she may also be labeling her memories to meet one of the causes of BPD, abuse.

After much therapy (including 10 months inpatient residential) my d now says she was not abused in any way during her lifetime though she does realize that some of the normal, yet painful things in life were traumatizing for her... .having to put down her pony was devastating for her.

I hope this helps you see things from her perspective.  It is important that we validate these feelings while not giving validity to untruths.

lbj

[AnotherWon]

I was just skimming the boards this morning and so glad I came across this post and especially your response, lbj!  Wow.  I'm on my 3rd BPD book, but the example with your daughter just described a lot of our life with our son!  Thanks for sharing an experience that helped me better understand how our kids perceive the world.  Can't get over how helpful this website has been.

Take Care!