A decent Anniversary, shockingly...

[Ceruleanblue]

Today was our four year anniversary, and BPDh came home with a gift! I guess he's done making a statement, or whatever the recent gift shortage, and blowing up holidays was about. He actually got me something I'd said I wanted, and he even made me a sweet card.

Of course, just so you don't think he's turned a totally new leaf, all this came about after he called me to ask me to come get him, as his new fast car left him stranded due to huge amounts of snow we had. It was blowing terribly, and snow just kept coming. Restaurants were closing, things were shut down. Well, when he called I tried to make a sweet joke out of it, and he blew up on me. He immediately got cruel, and I was seriously thinking of leaving him stranded. I mean, HE needed me to come get him, and he could at least be nice about it!

He'd had time to calm down once I got there, and his car is still stranded where he left it. He was already having some buyers remorse on the car, and I think he just took his bad mood out on me for it. On the drive home, he saw how many cars were in ditches, and I drive slow, which I'm sure he didn't like.

I'm still shocked we had a pleasant anniversary. I have no idea why he was capable of it now, but a few weeks ago he blew up my birthday, and also Valentines Day.

All this has really made me take stock of how long I can do this, and how little MY efforts or using the tools has made this relationship sustainable. I'm hoping that he wants to become healthy, but that choice is his, and I'll believe it when his behaviors change. Even if it's subtle, that would show growth, at least.

At this point, I'm scared to be at all optimistic. I feel I've had too much optimism, and trust he'd give it real effort in the past. Now, it's sort of seeing will be believing.

I'm just glad we had one day of almost relative peace.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm glad he stepped up to the plate with a gift for you and especially something you wanted and like.

I'm going to go over the rest of your email with some coaching advice.

Jokes are not good with pwBPD. They take things so personally and as you said, he already was having buyer's remorse about the car. Even mild teasing is a bad idea in that they have such a load of shame they carry around, and they look for ways that they are being criticized.

You were thinking that he didn't like the fact that you drive slowly. Too bad. Let him think whatever he wants. Why even care what he thinks? You're going out of your way to do him a favor because he chose to get an impractical car. You get to drive exactly how you feel most safe.

Good that you're looking at the relationship with an analytical eye and not believing in his "potential". You are seeing reality, not what you hope to be true. And you are asking yourself if this relationship is good enough for you, which you have every right to do.  

[Ceruleanblue]

That's just it. My therapist is really stressing with me just how unpredictable BPDh is. Now, she'd not just going off what I say, because we use my therapist for marriage therapy also, so she has gotten to know him. What's weird is that, sometimes I CAN joke with him, and he knew that was sort of my personality when we dated.

It's because he's moody and really unpredictable, that I forget. If he always, or even often, reacted badly to joking or teasing, I just wouldn't do it. Plus, I'm never mean spirited about it.

I'm seeing that I've had to modify so many of my personality traits due to his anger. I can't be sarcastic(as humor, not to get personal digs in), because he'll even twist innocent things I say and think it's sarcasm. We've lost our easy camaraderie we used to share when dating. I could live with all that, if he just was nicer to me, and got his anger under control.

The thing I hate most is how he obviously thinks about me. He's painted an ugly picture over the course of these four years. He just keeps saying hateful things, and I don't in any way think I am those things, or that I should have to even hear those things he thinks! I'm actually getting pretty indignant about it. He's given me A LOT of reasons to resent him, or think badly of him, but I still make the choice to try to see his good too. I don't think he does that, and I'm sick of hearing his negative views of me.

HE has the power to change all this, and I have the power to decide how much I want to take, and how long I can keep tolerating it.

I think I might have a talk with him about how motivated he is to change. I've changed for him, in ways I shouldn't have even had to, so the least he can do is try to be a nicer person, so HE can have a happy, healthy life. He's starting to see just how unhealthy his kids are(he blames his ex for that, of course), but he's still back and forth on "he can change" to "he is what he is, and he's too old to change"(along with blaming me).

I too am glad he showed consideration and attention to me on our anniversary. I value him as worth the effort, and I've always thought I am too. It was nice that most of the day went well, and it isn't another bad memory I'll have to look back on.