Need advice

[concerned mama]

Hi, I am the mother of a son with Personality disorder. I have been dealing up and downs with him since he was 15, he is now 24. He just recently was diagnosed but lives across the country from me. He says he is pursuing help but it seems almost everytime I speak with him, I am blamed for every problem he has and he gets very verbally abusive.

I am not sure how to deal with him anymore. I know he needs support but I am tired of being abused by him.

Advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lbjnltx]

Hi concerned momma and welcome to the Parenting Board. 

The blame and verbal abuse can be debilitating to us as parents.

I learned about a skill called validation when I first came here.  I was unable to put it into practice until I created a safe emotional space to learn, practice, and use it with my daughter.  I created that safe space for myself by setting some boundaries around verbal abuse... .the blame part I could tolerate because my d had no skills herself.

You can read about boundaries here:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

how to determine what your boundaries are, how to set a boundary and the importance of defending set boundaries. 

Just because they are our kids and we love them unconditionally doesn't mean we take abuse.  If we do, we damage ourselves, our relationship with our kids, and teach them it's ok to be abusive. 

The Lessons to the right of the page contain a great deal of info to help you turn around your relationship with your son... .from educational material about the disorder to reclaiming our lives.  It's all there and we are here to work alongside you as you learn. 

We are glad you are here! 

lbj

[concerned mama]

Thank you so much for the info. It is like walking on eggshells sometimes. He blames me for things and says I dont care and then when I do reach out, he ignores me. Definately time to set boundries.

[lbjnltx]

If you have any questions about boundaries (determining, setting, reinforcing) we are here to help.

lbj

[somuchlove]

You have found a wonderful, supportive place here. It can be overwhelming to say the least.  I think I tried to absorb to much at once and felt very helpless because I couldn't immediately do and say all the right things to my dd.  My degree is in education and work with students everyday, with many having issues of some kind or another.  It makes sense to me how to talk to them but when it came to my dd my mind would just turn to mush and I couldn't think.  I would blame myself because it was my fault if the conversations wouldn't turn out right.  Much of the time I didn't say it correctly but I have learned it is ok.  My one thing that has helped me the most, and maybe it will help you is to realize that I didn't have to always make it better.  I needed to listen, try to pick out what was really wrong and no matter what my dd would call again.  By my not getting totally swept up in her crisis, which would become my crisis, I couldn't help anyone.

Baby steps here, read and ask lots of questions.  I had to be told the same thing over and over again.  Wonderful people here always VALIDATED my feelings, teaching me through their own actions how important it is.   

[concerned mama]

I appreciate all your words.

I am at a loss of what to do now. Yesterday my son was sent to a pscyh hospital after his girlfriend called the police. He was threatening her and himself.

So the police felt he needed to go. To make a long story short, he was not even at the hospital 5 hrs and they asked if he wanted to leave. Of course he said yes.

He then texted his girlfriend that he was going to burn himself and then come after her.

Why would a hospital do that? He is in California and I am in New York. I even took it upon myself to call the hospital and request to talk to the doctor caring for him to give him some behavior background. Received no call, they just let him go.

He doesnt pursue help, he calls me horrible names, I am ready to give up

[somuchlove]

Can you call for a well check through the police or an agency?  It is so hard when you are far away.  Do you know anyone there that might be able to help you with this?  It is so hard when they are of age that you really have no rights and yet they still need help and can't make good choices.  I sure understand your feeling like you just want to give up. 

[lbjnltx]

Did you report his threats to go after his girlfriend?  Did she?

The hospital will only hold 72 hours maximum. If a patient signs a paper that says they won't harm themselves or others they let them go.

Hospitals are for stabilization in the moment.

I think calling for a well check, as somuchlove suggests is your best option... .if you know where he is.  And also calling and asking for support from his friends or family that live near him... .

If you believe his threats are serious and eminent then calling the authorities could be a life saving action.

If you can speak with him, provide him a suicide hotline number local to him and encourage him to call them, tell him they are there to listen and they will understand. 

Please review this information and see if there is anything you can use and pass on to others who will support him:


SUICIDE IDEATION EMERGENCY PROTOCOL

Care - Keep them engaged - talk openly and listen (ask questions), focus on what happened today - do not show panic or be obsessive in your follow-up. Enlist help from others if you can. The basic message is that the distressed person is important, that depression can make difficult things seems much worse at times, and that it is important to take another day to reflect on things.

Call - Encourage the distressed person to make contact with a live person on a local suicide helpline or go to an emergency room. Modest steps are important - not calling out the cavalry.

Make the hotline call seem as easy and non-threatening. Say things like "it's just for general information", "you can remain anonymous".

Most people will not call 911 as they are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain - being told they are foolish, weak; ending up with a written record, being billed $700-$1,000 for the emergency service, or being involuntary committed. This is why we stress the helplines or going to an emergency room.


To find local support phone numbers enter nearest large city and state, or county and state.


Take it Seriously All thoughts of suicide ("suicidal ideation" should be taken seriously.  Suicidal ideation is not uncommon in clinical depression. The Journal of the American Medical Association has reported that 95% of all suicides occur at the peak of a depressive episode.

Act Early Often there is a progression over time from harmless ideations all the way to the act. The earlier we intercept this progression, the more likely harm can be averted.

Local Telephone Counselors are Best Local councilor can do everything from just answering simple questions and being a friend, to suggesting places to go for immediate / low cost assistance, to dispatching emergency assistance in the rare event that it is needed. Find local support phone numbers by entering city and state, or county and state in the search box at the top of this page.

Helping someone with suicidal thoughts:

1. 

Take it seriously.

Myth: “The people who talk about it don't do it.” Studies have found that more than 75% of all completed suicides did things in the few weeks or months prior to their deaths to indicate to others that they were in deep despair. Anyone expressing suicidal feelings needs immediate attention.

Myth: “Anyone who tries to kill himself has got to be crazy.” Perhaps 10% of all suicidal people are psychotic or have delusional beliefs about reality. Most suicidal people suffer from the recognized mental illness of depression; but many depressed people adequately manage their daily affairs. The absence of “craziness” does not mean the absence of suicide risk.

“Those problems weren't enough to commit suicide over,” is often said by people who knew a completed suicide. You cannot assume that because you feel something is not worth being suicidal about, that the person you are with feels the same way. It is not how bad the problem is, but how badly it's hurting the person who has it.



2.

Remember: suicidal behavior is a cry for help.

Myth: “If a someone is going to kill himself, nothing can stop him.” The fact that a person is still alive is sufficient proof that part of him wants to remain alive. The suicidal person is ambivalent - part of him wants to live and part of him wants not so much death as he wants the pain to end. It is the part that wants to live that tells another “I feel suicidal.” If a suicidal person turns to you it is likely that he believes that you are more caring, more informed about coping with misfortune, and more willing to protect his confidentiality. No matter how negative the manner and content of his talk, he is doing a positive thing and has a positive view of you.



3.

Be willing to give and get help sooner rather than later.

Suicide prevention is not a last minute activity. All textbooks on depression say it should be reached as soon as possible. Unfortunately, suicidal people are afraid that trying to get help may bring them more pain: being told they are stupid, foolish, sinful, or manipulative; rejection; punishment; suspension from school or job; written records of their condition; or involuntary commitment. You need to do everything you can to reduce pain, rather than increase or prolong it. Constructively involving yourself on the side of life as early as possible will reduce the risk of suicide.



4.

Listen.

Give the person every opportunity to unburden his troubles and ventilate his feelings. You don't need to say much and there are no magic words. If you are concerned, your voice and manner will show it. Give him relief from being alone with his pain; let him know you are glad he turned to you. Patience, sympathy, acceptance. Avoid arguments and advice giving.



5.

ASK: “Are you having thoughts of suicide?”

Myth: “Talking about it may give someone the idea.” People already have the idea; suicide is constantly in the news media. If you ask a despairing person this question you are doing a good thing for them: you are showing him that you care about him, that you take him seriously, and that you are willing to let him share his pain with you. You are giving him further opportunity to discharge pent up and painful feelings. If the person is having thoughts of suicide, find out how far along his ideation has progressed.



6.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave him alone.

If the person is acutely suicidal, do not leave them alone - drive the person to the nearest emergency department or other service facility. They may be hesitant - that is normal. The local suicide hotlines can advise you of the best facility.

If the situation is life threatening, or the person refuses to go for care, or you are unable to transport them, call 911.

Please do not use emergency medical services to teach anyone a lesson.

.

If the means are present, try to get rid of them. Detoxify the home.



7.

Urge professional help.

If someone is acting suicidal or talking of suicide, it is vitally important to get them into professional care at the first signs. Like many disorders, early detection and treatment yields better outcomes. Persistence and patience may be needed to seek, engage and continue with as many options as possible. In any referral situation, let the person know you care and want to maintain contact.



8.

From crisis to recovery.

Most people have suicidal thoughts or feelings at some point in their lives; yet less than 2% of all deaths are suicides. Nearly all suicidal people suffer from conditions that will pass with time or with the assistance of a recovery program. There are hundreds of modest steps we can take to improve our response to the suicidal and to make it easier for them to seek help. Taking these modest steps can save many lives and reduce a great deal of human suffering.

lbj