I'm so tired of trying to figure it out.

[so-confused]

I have filed for divorce, and our 17 year marriage is coming to an end. I feel emotionally exhausted after dealing with years of lying and manipulation. Now that I've filed for divorce things are getting worse, and my soon to be ex-spouse refuses to move out of the house. I never know who is going to show up from one day to the next; Mr. nice guy or Mr. Independent and shunning. My therapist thinks he may be suffering from NPD, but I just don't know what to think. It's not really my place to diagnose him, all I know is his behavior and lies have taken their toll on me and I just want to be done with this relationship.

A brief background highlighting my perspective of the major problems:

-Lying is a constant problem. Lies range from small things to big things. Of course there is usually a "reason" for the lie (something I've done or not done.)

-Constant fights over excessive use of pornography and profiles on dating and hook-up sites.

-Affair with a stripper

-Most recently found out he was seeing prostitutes. (This was my final straw)

-He finally gave me access to our credit card accounts (I've been asking for access since July) and I found out he spent $10,000. for one night at a strip club.

-Paper trail reveals that just in the last year over $20,000. has been spent on sex related activities.

I wish he would just move out, but he refuses until we have a new custody agreement in place. We had agreed back in January to a 50/50 split. He was all smiles, and gifts and "I'm so sorry" I love you during mediation; as soon as we were finished with mediation the tides turned and he began acting like a college frat boy. Coming and going at all hours and openly dating by putting his profile on Tinder and other dating websites. I told him we needed to start implementing the agreement even though he is still living here, because he is not taking part in parental responsibility. His response to this was to start scheduling travel on "his parenting time" and expecting me to work around his schedule. My attorney sent a letter saying we would be going back to mediation. He does whatever he wants and expects me to just pick up the slack. When he rescheduled our sons 504 plan meeting because he had to "work" in a town 40 minutes away and stay over night, I had enough. I signed us up for the Our Family Wizard website so everything would be documented and tracked. He seemed pretty receptive to it and started adding his travel dates in the calendar. Of course many of them fell on his parenting days. He accused my attorney and I of planning a counter attack because he didn't agree to the proposed changes to custody and then said that I was tricking him by signing up for the family website.

We got  into a huge fight over the phone yesterday while he is on another out of town trip (on his scheduled parenting days) and he accused me of giving him little parenting time. I said, "No, you are choosing your amount of parenting time by scheduling your travel on days you are supposed to be responsible for the kids. We agreed that you would work AROUND your parenting time." He said condescendingly "We don't have an agreement, remember?" He then went in and started deleting travel dates and adding events titled "dads parenting time." This is part of the reason I signed up for the website, because everything is documented, even if it has been deleted. If I did not have the documentation he would outright lie and say none of it ever happened and I am blowing things out of proportion. 

When I confronted him (poorly I might add... .I was very angry) about the $10,000. he started spouting something about how he couldn't wait to be out of this marriage and I can't see how I drove him to do the things he's done. Then in the next breath said he doesn't sleep with hookers. I have text messages that show bargaining price for an hour and phone numbers when popped into google bring up escort pages. I just can't believe someone can look at evidance showing they are caught and lie right to you and say, "I have no idea what that is! You are crazy!" I guess I have to be a little crazy to have put up with this all these years.

[jessedsickabouther]

I might be in the minority here but I'm not seeing the npd necessarily.  I'm sympathetic to your plight but he just sounds like a sex addict possibly. 

It's also a horrible idea for him to move out. He should not.  He would lose custody.

Everything you listed is all about sex. Again I'm sorry you are going through this . I'm just not seeing BPD.  A selfish sex addict yes. He doesn't care . Everyone who lies and cheats is not BPD. 

I will say that you aren't getting anywhere trying to yell and argue and use reason or expect him to be warm or receptive to any of your suggestions. I've been down this road when it's at this stage and there was no point in anything that I said.

At this point the less you say the better. Get a court order stating what everyone is to do and then document what happens every day. If he has legitimate reasons to go out of town for work he needs to be able to do that so be flexible for your children or child. I don't think you're going to get anywhere with him at this point you both are very heated and not listening to the other.

Yeah obviously doesn't value you as a person and he wants to go do whatever he want and I don't even know why you talk to him anymore after all the times he's cheated. I would just have nothing more to say unless its about the children.

[thisworld]

So-Confused hi, and welcome to bpdfamily

I'm very sorry for what brought you here but I'm happy that you have found us. You will definitely belong here and meet many members going through similar difficulties.

Many of us came here not exactly knowing what was wrong with our partners and healing started with trying to make sense of things. Learning all we could about BPD helped us. There are workshops on the boards that give some good practical pointers on how to deal with communication, rages, etc. The articles are also very informative. If you need assistance, just say and we'll help you find what you need.

There are members on this board who are sharing or have shared the same house with their partners while going through divorce and posting here often, sharing their feelings helps them both to detach and find solutions to their everyday problems. Coping becomes easier.

I believe you would also find great support on Family Law, Divorce and Custody Board in terms of taking an assertive approach that makes a high-conflict situation run smoother.   

I'm happy to hear that you have a therapist and an attorney to help you in all this.

BPD is sometimes comorbid with NPD and other disorders and we are all familiar with behaviour like denying the reality despite concrete evidence - this happened to me with e-mails my ex partner claimed did not exist, yet were sitting in his "sent" box.

How do you feel when he is at home? What kind of an environment would make you more comfortable even if you are sharing this space?

Please keep posting so we can support you. 

Best,

TW