Confused

[Dobzhansky]

1) uBPDw in a different state.  Gone 20 months.  Left me w girls and house and everything.

2) Somewhat communicative with me.  Maintaining communication for sake of girls and management of common assets.  :)istant or unresponsive with talk of relationship.

3) Communication w daughters even less so.

4) Eldest plans wedding in Cabo over X-mas 2015.  Simple on the beach affair.  Eldest says uBPDw invited, repeatedly. uBPDw disputes this and even scheduled surgery for re-coop over x-mas.  uBPDw asks for divorce when she finds out I planned on going (it was beautiful).

5) Her father diagnosed w terminal cancer Jan 12 2016.  He was gone 2 wks later.  Middle daughter and I flew to attend funeral Jan 20.

6) Here's the reason for this post - wife remorseful she left and looking for reassurances.  Had brief, emotional discussions about some issues that persisted for long periods prior to her departure.  We slept in different bedrooms in her residence.  One morning (I was there two days) she climbed stairs to my floor (it was challenging after recent hip-replacement) and climbed on top of the bed for a cuddle (she hasn't done that in 5 yrs.

Since my return to where I live, she has requested we start a Google Doc where we can 'discuss' issues and feelings.  I suggested it as a way to heal, even if our paths after this led in different directions.  

It was good to connect with her family again, whom I have known since I was 18.  We have a clearer idea about what's really going on there.  Her family do not really know why she left us.  she has offered no explanation and didn't want to ask.  Some family, when told how she left, saw no suprise and remember emotional troubles from when she was a minor and living at home.

a)  Is this normal?  I understand she will likely look for security in the wake of her father's death and I represent years of love and stability (to a degree).  Should I be wary?

b)  What might the pitfalls be?

c)  I understand this is no place for advice (as in what to do) but I am curious of opinions.  The wedding of my eldest prompted a request for divorce.  She mentioned it when we were face to face but said she was having trouble getting the form for the courts to retain entries when filled out electronically.

Can I anticipate grand sweeping change?

At best I look for a changed attitude that will revert in the face of targeted counseling, which I require before I will entertain thoughts of joining her or signing a mortgage w her.

Thanks much... .

[formflier]

 

So, has she filed anything?  It doesn't seem like she has?

Have you talked to a lawyer in your state?

It's going to be really hard to heal or work on a r/s long distance.  I would be suspicious of the google doc thing, especially if a counselor is NOT involved. 

FF

[TheRealJongoBong]

a)  Is this normal?  I understand she will likely look for security in the wake of her father's death and I represent years of love and stability (to a degree).  Should I be wary?

b)  What might the pitfalls be?

I can only speak from my experience. When my wife's father's health deteriorated to the point that it was clear he hadn't much time left my wife started to transfer her feelings about him onto me. Not the good ones, where she loved and idolized him. It was the bad ones, where he emotionally, physically, and sexually abused her. As he got closer to death this transference also increased.

So what are the pitfalls? In my case they are obvious. I am now mostly split black as the source of all of my wife's fears and anxieties. When something happens, no matter what, I am the obvious culprit. I am not to be trusted in any capacity, except of course to provide for her. And even there I am mostly treated with disdain.

In your case I don't know what will happen. Perhaps you have some knowledge about the relationship between your wife and her father that could shed light onto the situation. The only thing I know is that your wife's BPD behaviors most likely have their source in her childhood. Things happened back then to make her the way she is today. My experience with all of my pwBPD's was that their father was always involved.