Thank you for your reply Joe, much appreciated!
After spending some more time this week with myself, it is more evident that I am in fact feeling quite numb... .maybe a bit depressed by now. I suspect that I left my friend feeling saddened, then got distracted by my sadness, and neglected some necessary medical stuff (like vitamins and such) that exacerbated my situation/other medical issues. I was also sore from a workout and neglected my exercise routine for 4 days.
Feeling numb like the beginning of the work week? Love it! Monday AM, I know the feeling when you are looking into a work week that is just starting.
Thank you, it does help to know I am not alone in having Monday am anxiety.
I re-read your post b/c I did not get that you are feeling numb given what you are describing.
Yes, I see that I failed to explain the numbness... . It is hard to explain. I feel 'blank' and with little affect. I feel forced in trying to smile or be sad and such. I just feel like a mannequin this week... .going through motions with little volition.
In fact, I am hearing/reading some level of healing in your post. When you can go out with someone else and not have it bring up a plethora of feelings about the past, I would say that is healthy.
I did not even consider or think of this. Thank you for pointing it out. Yes, I can be grateful! Hanging out with this gentleman does little to remind me of my ex. It does not at all bring up past feelings and instead feels like a fun adventure of the present... .this is quite a wonderful experience. If I do think of my ex, it is on a very practical level vs emotional level... .for example, I may think my ex cooked xyz excellent, but oh well... .right now is a good time. In other words, I do not compare and think in terms of regret... .but rather appreciate the difference and accept it. Humm... .thanks again for pointing this out! My male friend is helpful and was quite accepting for times I wanted to share about my ex... .however, my desire to do so is less and less in a natural way... .as time goes on. I appreciate this freedom to express myself.
Were you expecting to feel overwhelmed by dating again or just meeting other guys?
Humm... . I think I was expecting to not be so comfortable with someone. I think I was expecting my old pre ex PTSD issues to resurface but they have not. I am surprised by this and not really worried about it. I think this is evidence of attaining higher healing with my PTSD. I think that the fact that we were open, honest and clear about this not being a relationship that could develop into a LTR really helped me explore being with a man without the pressure of analyzing our compatibility in a serious manner.
Also, sounds like there is not an intensity about where you are at this moment. To me, this is another good sign as your are probably not plugged into a lot of old messages and feelings.
No, I am not feeling plugged into old stuff. I feel stuck at a point I still need to move past that existed pre ex. I still feel needing to move past some FOO and inner critic crap.
So here is a question back to you for thought and discussion. Do you feel that intensity needs to be a part of your romantic mindset?
No, I am ok with the lack of intensity. I am troubled by feeling numb. It is easier to have insight and analyze an anxious or depressed feeling... .as they are feelings that are more accessible. I am having trouble uncovering what is hiding under the feeling of numbness.
My therapist put the boot on me at a recent session when I brought in an article about narcissism that had the words (something to the effect) "fueling your fire". He didn't even let me get into it, he launched right into the question - is it the fire that you feel like you are missing? Well, I did not do that a great deal of justice relative to the impact that it had on me, but I think the idea is clear.
Well, I can understand how there can be a tendency following these relationships to feel incomplete without intensity. I see that a lot around here and realize that is quite common. ... .It makes sense to me.
So what do you think? Is intensity part of your expectation and without you feel numb?
I think though my issue of numbness actually IS numbness and not just lack of intensity that I am categorizing as numb
Thank you Joe for the positive words!
Much appreciated as the days are passing and my numbness remains, it is starting to feel really crappy... .even tho I cannot feel much... .crappiness is seeming to seep through.
